#185 - what i want

i'm thinking about what i want my life to be like. i'm thinking about the future. i'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, wasting time. it's not that i am bored and have nothing to do. i have tons of things to do, but i need to get this thing for school done. it's an online tutorial and i need to do 2.5 hours every 2 weeks. of course it's due friday and i didn't start till today. so i've spent the last 100 minutes clicking back and forth between the timed tutorial and various online activities (facebook, myspace, etc). i've still got another 50 minutes to spend on this.

i hate wasting time, especially when i don't have much free time. coffee shops get boring after an hour or so and i forgot my ipod. *sad mac face* i am really looking forward to more free time this summer. having a somewhat regular schedule will be nice. having multiple days off a week will be nice.

i really can't complain much right now. i have a job, i pay most of my bills, i have a house (until july 5), i'm almost an RN, i am enjoying clinicals, i play dodgeball and kickball, i have an awesome relationship, portland rocks, and it's good. but...i still complain! i'm congested (maybe allergies), tired, it's raining, i work too much, i have no free time, not enough money, i've been eating crap and time flies. overall i'm happy but those little things are annoying.

so this summer will be exciting. PLANS - i'm going on an alaskan cruise (june 20-27) and house sitting at the coast (july 9-17). i'll be taking my NCLEX (and passing!) some time in july. i'll also be moving somewhere in july. moving is never that much fun but i like to do it anyway. who wants to stay in the same place too long? get a new job, preferably at providence on 2G! whoo! my clinicals there have just been awesome and it's a great working environment. busy and interesting. draft league dodgeball, something i haven't done yet. you sign up and get picked up on a team, then play with cool peeps you haven't played with before! awesome! bike rides when it gets sunny more consistently. other than that, who knows what this summer holds for me.

maybe i'll start some new hobbies. maybe i'll have time to workout. maybe i'll cook more. maybe i'll garden. maybe i'll become president. who knows..and besides me, who cares?!

i want to say i will continue my "no buying" thing but i just don't know if i can. i want... i want a new laptop, mine takes about 20 minutes to start up and get going. it still works but i want to smash it to pieces. my desktop is just as slow starting and i don't even have it connected to the internets. i'm pretty sure they both have viruses. my laptop needs a new battery, it only lasts about 10 minutes off AC power. so i could spend money to fix them...or buy a macbook...heheif i do cave, it will be on a new laptop. that's all i can think about. i have too much clothes and other things that i would've normally spent frivolously on. i'm over buying stuff for the sake of it and to make me feel better. i would probably get buyers remorse now, something i've never really had previously. it hasn't been that hard not to buy things. i am pretty stubborn afterall. if i make a decision to do or not to do something, then it's done and done. whatever the reasons may be.

#182 - pseudo summer

right now, portland is gorgeous! the sun is shining and it is warm. it's getting a little too warm for me but i know it will go away soon. we are being teased by the weather gods, as usual. i am totally okay with that. i don't even want summer yet. it's still april. i want a few months of nice cool sunny weather, in the 50-60's preferably. i am not ready to break out the tank tops and sunscreen. i got cheated out of a normal winter of endless days of rain. we had all kinds of weird stuff like snow, hail and sun. i don't want to be cheated out of a rainy, cool spring with little breaks of sunny days.

all that being said, i've enjoyed the last couple days of nice weather. i took time off for my sanity. i did nothing. i laid in a hammock. i went on a hike. i sat in the sun. i slept in. these are all things that needed to be done, i was going nuts-o. i have a hard time just relaxing. there always has to be something being done, even if it is as simple as changing my fb status. usually i am doing two things at once (like writing a blog and resume at the same time). i feel like i am using my time better but i know that is not true. doing laundry AND dishes AND listening to music AND preparing lunch. there just does not seem to be enough time to do everything i need/want to. where does all that time go? i have been keeping a time log and i notice much of my time goes to waiting or riding the bus, at least 2 hours a day. it seems like a waste but i use it to read a lot. when i do too much it makes me less present.

thinking about summer, i can tell this will be an awesome one! while i do not look forward to certain things, i know they will turn out ok. i already have two little trips planned and i want to do more. if and when i survive the next 50-odd days i will be free!! i will no longer have school, classes, homework, clinicals, etc. of course there will be the job search, interviews, possibly moving houses, and then work. but with 12-hour shifts at the hospital and only needing to work 3 days a week...that just sounds so sweet! i'm thinking of day trips out to the coast, weekend trips, rivers, lakes, fun, food, friends and being outside. all of what i moved to oregon for. one of the reasons i want a rainy spring is so that i stay on track and not get caught up in the nice weather too much, it makes me want to only do fun things and forget all my responsibilities.

#163 - internet, or lack thereof

okay, so i moved into this new place a couple months ago. it is awesome, it is a studio that includes utilities and it's great. i have my own space and i can do whatever i want. the only bad thing is i have no internet included. so i had to make a decision to get internet, which would probably be about $50 a month cause i'm by myself, or go without. i have a laptop which i use at school and can take to a coffee shop if i need internet. so it's not like i don't have access, ever. i have access at least twice a week. monday and friday. what i'm trying to do is limit my internet-consumption to those two days. i have come to realize that i have so much more time when i am not stuck to my computer 24/7. i have to make the choice to get my stuff together, leave the house, find a coffee shop, order coffee and then sit down and "surf". hopefully i will not miss out on important information in the middle of the week. if it truly is important perhaps i will get a *gasp* phone call to alert me.

although i don't have that much free time to start with, what's left of it goes to productive things like book-reading, cleaning (oh no!), studying and cooking. these are all things that i find to be essential and enjoyable (with the exception of cleaning, which just has to be done sometimes i've learned). i guess it is a way of becoming more conscious with my time and life. it is so easy to be online all night and then realize it's like 2 in the morning and you have to get up in several hours. where did it all go? facebook? myspace? blogging? surfing? youtube? who knows sometimes.

i have a lot on my plate - school, work, dodgeball, working out, and eating right (5-6 meals a day!). those are the things i do everyday, without fail. now, if i have some actual free time i kind of just want to relax. while internet can be relaxing, sometimes information overload is just not what i need. i may think i want it, but perhaps it can be detrimental.