#176 - letting go

i have a deep and incessant need to be in control. there are so many things that are actually out of my control. things like weather (damn snow in march!), tides, bus schedules, and what other people do/think. i know i cannot control these things, yet i let them bother me. why can't i just let them go?

i've been listening to a lot of buddhist podcasts and one that really stuck out was "letting go". my mind is a constant chatterbug. it's always going, never ceasing to concoct the latest conspiracy theory or ultimate utopian society. i am always judging things - myself and others. it really drives me nuts. the point of letting go is not to rid yourself of these thoughts but to actually let go of the attachment to them. when i heard that it immediately made sense. in buddhist thought, it is attachment to things that cause suffering. and let me tell you, being attached to my thoughts causes me lots of suffering. i feel crazy sometimes.

judging people is not really a good thing to be practicing. i am trying to do more positive things and less negative, working on my karma! :) it is so hard to rid yourself of those judgements, though. when you are used to one way it is hard to change. it is easy to judge because it somehow makes you feel better. it's like watching jerry springer. the train wrecks they have on there are insane and it only makes you feel "normal" and "good". i am constantly making judgements though. i need to work on immediately letting go if it. i make a judgement then it is gone. ok. i cannot really help what gets into my head but i don't have to leave it there.

another term i like is "letting be". things will be what they are, just let them. you cannot always change the situation but you can let it be, like the song. to me, the song means that the right things will come to us, when it is appropriate. we may want something really bad but it may not be the right time for it. when the universe is ready, we will get it. it may even be a different version of what we thought we wanted. just accept what you have and let it be. we are in control of some things, like what we choose to wear on a given day. but our choices are influenced by things we cannot change, like the weather. i may want to wear my favorite sweater but if it's 100 degrees out, i would not.

i have tried to meditate. it is so hard! my mind just goes and goes, on and on. i try letting go of the thoughts and it takes a lot of energy. people say that meditating gets easier, i hope so. i've been reading a lot too, right now i'm reading a book of dalai lama writings. reading it really makes sense but it is the putting it into practice that is hard. i read something about 10 things to avoid. there are the obvious ones like killing and lying but then there are the more subtle, like idle gossip (i think that goes with right speech). i often speak without thinking and say things i later wish i had rephrased. i involve myself in a lot of idle gossip. and i like celebrity magazines, which is the ultimate idle gossip! it's one of my guilty pleasures.

another thing i think about with letting go is being in the moment. when you can let go of the extraneous thoughts then it may be easier to stay in the moment. you cannot be in the moment without letting go. two of my favorite songs are "let it be" (the beatles) and "be here now" (mason jennings). this is a constant struggle because my mind is always going, therefore i am planning the future and reviewing the past. i am rarely here. it is easy to be off somewhere else but it is better to truly enjoy this moment because in a blink it is gone. when i am totally in the moment i really enjoy myself. and when i am enjoying myself then you know i am in the moment.

#173 - lent, again

it seems like it's always lent. well it is here once again, on wednesday. i didn't really give it much thought this year, as i have already given up shopping for 2009. that is going really well, haven't bought anything except food and 1 gift for someone. i think this year instead of focusing on the giving up of something i will do another part of it, which is the getting closer to god part.

i am not catholic or even christian, i like to think i'm kind of buddhist. so why do i even practice lent? i don't know. why do i practice gift-giving at christmas? i am a damn conformist! i'm not going around with an ash cross on my head on wednesday but i do love the idea of lent. i started in college and just kept doing it every year. 40 days is a pretty long time and if you can do anything for that long it kind of becomes a habit. then if i like it i will continue and if not, well it was good for those 40.

this year i will practice my spirituality and do things to get closer to god. while for more people this means prayer, for me i think i will try different things. i will try to pray (i've tried it before....not so much) but i really want to do some meditation. i may even try some yoga again. the idea for me is to do something everyday to get me in touch with my spiritual nature and the god within me. it may include reading spiritual literature or listening to a buddhist podcast.

i am going to do buddhist things for a christian tradition. i like to mix my religions up! so anyway, that's my plan for lent. pray, meditate, yoga, read, listen, spiritualize!

on a totally unrelated note, i watched a great movie yesterday called "into the wild" it's based on a book by jon krakauer (also wrote "into thin air"). it's based on a true story about a guy who basically goes to alaska to live in the wilderness and be free of society and its rules. he burned the last of his money, hitchhiked around, rode trains, met people, lived life and ultimately he chose solitude. the soundtrack was amazing, music by eddie vedder. the main character was played by emile hersh who is quickly becoming one of my fave new actors (he also played alongside oscar-winner sean penn in "milk"). i'd definitely recommend it!