#171 - honoring her

today we did a module on post-mortem care. we cleaned the body (mannequin) and fixed it up so it could be taken to the morgue. these are things i'll have to do as a nurse. these are things i've been doing as a CNA. recently many people have been dying, they kind of come in waves. usually it is in series of 3's. anyway, one of our ladies was 103 (i previously wrote about her that she was 104, oops) and died a couple weeks ago. i looked in the obits everyday (something that old people do) to find hers. it wasn't until today (18 days later) that it appeared.

Aili (Enegren) Knox
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Oregonian
Aug. 17, 1905 - Jan. 29, 2009
Aili was born in Coos Bay. She worked as a public school teacher.
Survived by several nieces and nephews.
No service will be held. Arrangements by Holman's Funeral Service.

i'm kind of upset and sad for this obit, i mean this lady was amazing. sure she kind of lost her marbles at the end but she was amazing nonetheless. give her a service, put in an obit right away (sometimes i see them as early as 5 days later), write a little more about her, and at least honor her someway publicly. this made me really sad. if i were to write about her, i would've said something like this:

aili was born in coos bay to a loving mother and "dad", she enjoyed life in coos bay and growing up in the outdoors. she enjoyed her family and career as a school teacher. she especially loved the children. one of her passions was flying, which was quite unusual for a lady of her times. she lived her life to its fullest and openly gave love away to everyone she met. she truly enjoyed the company of other people and always had a smile on her face. she will be missed dearly.

i guess this will have to do. i wish i had some pictures to share of her (but that would be violating HIPPA) and could remember more stories. i guess i will always have that with me. death and dying are such emotional subjects that i have to talk about in school a lot. i will be faced with this in my career so much. i enjoy getting to know these old people and their lives. it's interesting to learn about what they were like and what they have become, usually it is totally different. we just lost another resident on friday. he was one of my favorites and i knew it was coming. he had pneumonia and was just going downhill. i will always remember him because he was a singer. we'd tell him "do you have rhythm?" and he'd answer singing "i've got rhythm!" then we'd request another song like "old man river" or "i've been working on the railroad". he had this deep voice and would really get into it. he'd do the whole vibratto thing and it was just so cute! i knew he wasn't going to get better when he started saying "i don't have music in me today" when i requested a certain song. he was just a really neat guy.

my mom always tells me i should keep a journal of old people stories. i should, and maybe it would make it easier to let go. it's so hard to let go cause these people become like family. i mourn them just as i would an old aunty or uncle. i feel like i'm actually closer to them though because i take care of them and see them more. i should try to spend more time with my grandparents. each year is one year closer and you never know when you'll lose them. they are important.

i hate to be debby downer with my sad blogs about death and dying but it's been on my mind since she died. i just want people to remember her as i do. i think she deserves it!

#169 - old age

i know, i'm not old yet. i shouldn't whine about my age, i'm in my prime. but i feel old! my body creaks and i have a sore back. when i bend down to pick something up my knees creak/pop and i always groan. when i did this in front of a patient she's like "you sound as old as me". i felt it too that day. maybe it's hanging out with all these old people that rubs off on me. they might be 60 years older than me but i feel connected to them. i like old people, they are funny. maybe i should call them "geriatrics" or "seniors" but i just like to say "old people". whatever.

i've been working at the nursing home for 3 years now and one of my favorite people just died. she was one of the most amazing people i've met and although she has dementia she was cool. she was a teacher and flew airplanes for fun, most exciting of all she lived to be 104. i've asked all my 100-year old patients at one time or another how they did it or how they feel about reaching that point. they kind of shrug it off as if it's no big deal. from what i can tell though, in order to make it to that age you need to be good-humored, friendly, positive and enjoy life, or more specifically enjoy the small things in life. most of them have outlived their friends and family, which is really sad. so anyway, this 104 year old lady was my favorite. her birthday was 3 days after mine and so i asked her "so, our birthdays are coming up in a few days, how should we celebrate?" she thought for awhile and she said "all i really want to do is love you". i just about lost it right there, i mean it was just so sweet i wanted to melt. that is why i still work there i guess.

although i love the old people and working with them makes my life better, i don't want to work there as a nurse. maybe i am selfish and want to have a more exciting job. i think i would lose all my skills also. mostly i think if i worked there i'd just become older, faster. i'm already physically feeling old. sometimes i feel like i think like an old person (it's 5:00, time for dinner). i've told a bunch of people that if my favorite patient (above) were to die that i'd quit my job. of course i'm not gonna do that but i just feel like something is missing there now. i am still mourning and it's been 2 weeks. there has not been an obituary/funeral for her yet so i'm really kind of annoyed at her family. the woman lived a great life of 104 years, please honor her life, DAMMIT! maybe it was a private funeral or something but at least just run a free obit in the paper. i'll just have to sort out my feelings on my own i guess.

although old people might be crazy (most of them are!) they have a lot to offer. not only the wisdom that comes with age but perspective from another generation. these people have been through so much it's amazing. many of them are lonely and have been living at the facility for awhile. some of have lost their marbles and only repeat the same lines over and over ("it's good work if you can get it, you can get it if you try"). i feel sorry for them a lot of the time but try to be more than just their caregiver when i work with them. anyone can wipe an ass, not everyone can care for people. so i guess i learn a lot from work. alls i know is that i don't want any of my relatives in a place like that. i'll admit the one i work at is a pretty swanky place but as much as it is nice, it's not home and i don't know if you can ever be comfortable there. family may come visit often, but it's not the same.

that's it. don't get old.