#187 - RIP hector

in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (may 24), hector "the projector" passed away. he had been sick for awhile, with his body no longer producing blood cells. he was anemic and perhaps had some kind of doggy leukemia. i don't know and i guess i don't really need to. he is gone, that's all that matters. he was getting blood transfusions a few times a week so that his levels would go up, and it seemed to be doing him good. but he stopped giving kisses a long time ago and just was not himself.while he may not be suffering anymore, it is hard to say he is in a better place because that place is without me. i am without him. i had not seen him in a long time but his picture on my wall is usually one of the last things i see before i go to sleep. the one with the sombrero. he definitely did not like that hat but we made him wear it for the picture.he was one special dog. special in many ways. in my opinion he was one of the sweetest, loving dogs in the world and definitely my favorite after Niki. he gave the smallest, cutest, perfect kisses. never too much tongue and he didn't try to stick it in your mouth. it was just sweet. to me, he was gentle and kind. he wasn't my dog but he was so special to me and will always be.yes, there are those who hector did not warm up to (most people) who mostly got growled at and even a special few who got love bites. it took him awhile to trust i guess. once you earned that, he was yours forever. he is my forever friend.this dog would eat anything but especially liked chicken, which Mike would always have in his truck for hector, his best friend. they always went to work together and hector would run around the house looking for trouble or some blue tape to eat. he loved to eat tape.i remember when hector was just a baby, four short years ago. he was very curious but kind of wary of new things. he was always a cuddler. all i can think about is how much of a lover hector was. it's hard for me to think of going to the coast and hector not being there to greet me. when i go to the beach he won't be there chasing or barking at birds/dogs/people. when i'm lying on the couch he won't be there trying to jump up on it with me. i say "try" because as a small, fat chihuahua he didn't think he could make it up. so usually i would just pick him up and set him next to me.indeed, i will miss hector forever. i don't know why he became so special to me but that is doggy love. he knows things about me that most people don't because i told him. he loved me no matter what and it goes both ways. he can't do no wrong. even now, i can't blame him. while i do feel some guilt for not being there when he was sick, i can't blame myself. i am just sad and i will miss him. he was a part of me and i would've given my arm/leg/butt cheek for him. hector, such a good dog!

#184 - right now

i figure i should blog. haven't done so in awhile and not really doing anything important right now. there is about 5 hours until i have some kind of commitment (dodgeball) and although there are OTHER things i could be doing, i'm just sitting here with my laptop. things are still busy with me but going really well i guess.

clinicals are badass. being at the hospital is kind of fun and i can totally see myself there in the future, if they have jobs. the whole nursing shortage-hiring freeze dilemma is dumb. no makey sensey. but that is the truth and that's where we are at right now.

monday was tattoo day. the day of the dead has always been interesting for me. it's basically a holiday to remember dead people and celebrate their lives. i guess it's similar to the japanese obon season. here in america, death is kind of taboo. we don't talk about it enough and so we don't really celebrate it. we don't talk about the deceased. i think talking about it is therapeutic. i'm around death/dying a lot working in the nursing home. memorial day is coming up and they do a memorial day service for all the people who've died since last year. it's a nice thing that they do there and we can write down some interesting memories we have of the people. i've never been to the service but it seems very nice. funerals give people a time and place to mourn that is socially acceptable. society says we have to accept a death and move on but it takes time for most people. we are human afterall.

i guess i am entering the homestretch. let's see...a month and 5 days until graduation. it is getting close folks!! i am just about halfway through my clinicals, learning a lot everyday and getting used to the long 12-hour shifts. it's not all that bad if i keep eating throughout the day and have lots of coffee to start it off. i'm not sure if coffee keeps me awake or if it's the adrenaline of things. i think even if i'm tired, if something is interesting/cool/exciting then i can definitely stay up without coffee. but...coffee is so good! i tried to quit drinking it for a time but that was dumb. it's soothing and yummy, and people like to socialize over it. it's easy to "meet for coffee", especially since there are so many coffee shops around town!

the other day i did meet someone for grilled cheese sandwiches. we went to the grilled cheese grill on ne alberta. they do have the classic plain grilled cheese but you can get all kinds of additions, and you can get it with the crusts cut off! haha but i got one with four cheeses ("the gabby") and bacon. c'mon, you know you want it!

#171 - honoring her

today we did a module on post-mortem care. we cleaned the body (mannequin) and fixed it up so it could be taken to the morgue. these are things i'll have to do as a nurse. these are things i've been doing as a CNA. recently many people have been dying, they kind of come in waves. usually it is in series of 3's. anyway, one of our ladies was 103 (i previously wrote about her that she was 104, oops) and died a couple weeks ago. i looked in the obits everyday (something that old people do) to find hers. it wasn't until today (18 days later) that it appeared.

Aili (Enegren) Knox
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Oregonian
Aug. 17, 1905 - Jan. 29, 2009
Aili was born in Coos Bay. She worked as a public school teacher.
Survived by several nieces and nephews.
No service will be held. Arrangements by Holman's Funeral Service.

i'm kind of upset and sad for this obit, i mean this lady was amazing. sure she kind of lost her marbles at the end but she was amazing nonetheless. give her a service, put in an obit right away (sometimes i see them as early as 5 days later), write a little more about her, and at least honor her someway publicly. this made me really sad. if i were to write about her, i would've said something like this:

aili was born in coos bay to a loving mother and "dad", she enjoyed life in coos bay and growing up in the outdoors. she enjoyed her family and career as a school teacher. she especially loved the children. one of her passions was flying, which was quite unusual for a lady of her times. she lived her life to its fullest and openly gave love away to everyone she met. she truly enjoyed the company of other people and always had a smile on her face. she will be missed dearly.

i guess this will have to do. i wish i had some pictures to share of her (but that would be violating HIPPA) and could remember more stories. i guess i will always have that with me. death and dying are such emotional subjects that i have to talk about in school a lot. i will be faced with this in my career so much. i enjoy getting to know these old people and their lives. it's interesting to learn about what they were like and what they have become, usually it is totally different. we just lost another resident on friday. he was one of my favorites and i knew it was coming. he had pneumonia and was just going downhill. i will always remember him because he was a singer. we'd tell him "do you have rhythm?" and he'd answer singing "i've got rhythm!" then we'd request another song like "old man river" or "i've been working on the railroad". he had this deep voice and would really get into it. he'd do the whole vibratto thing and it was just so cute! i knew he wasn't going to get better when he started saying "i don't have music in me today" when i requested a certain song. he was just a really neat guy.

my mom always tells me i should keep a journal of old people stories. i should, and maybe it would make it easier to let go. it's so hard to let go cause these people become like family. i mourn them just as i would an old aunty or uncle. i feel like i'm actually closer to them though because i take care of them and see them more. i should try to spend more time with my grandparents. each year is one year closer and you never know when you'll lose them. they are important.

i hate to be debby downer with my sad blogs about death and dying but it's been on my mind since she died. i just want people to remember her as i do. i think she deserves it!

#129 - nursing clinicals

i had a summer class that i cut my summer trip short for. i should've been in costa rica getting ready for a fun wedding. instead i've been back for almost a month, back in the real world. it seems weird that just a month ago i was traveling and living out of my backpack. now it's back to reality and my messy disaster of a room. add to that a broken dryer and shower in my house. i am not sure how i will take a shower tomorrow tho i'm thinking maybe at work. one of my roommates is supposedly taking care of it but the dryer has been broken for weeks. i had to use the laundromat the other day because i ran out of scrubs and underwear. this guy fell in a puddle of water and his wife called an ambulance. there wasn't anything i could do for him and i felt pretty helpless.

so bottom line is - i need to move. a couple friends from work are looking for a place with me and we're looking for cheap, 3 br, preferably in inner SE or NE, maybe even nopo would be cool. something in the range of $1000-$1400. W/D would be nice, or even hookups. option of pets would be nice but i know i'm not ready for one yet.

my summer class consisted of one day of in-the-classroom practice. we were given some videos to review as well as tools to help us get back into nursing. our last clinicals were in november, so our skills are a bit rusty. or they were. after that class i was a little nervous and skeptical of my skills but now i'm back in the game. we had to do four clinical days out at the hospital. it was usually about 7am-4pm but we got out early today. doing those four days really helped my confidence in patient care and an assortment of skills i didn't know i had. things like patient teaching and organizing my day with medications and treatments. of course, i only had one patient but i also was able to observe several seasoned nurses and how they do things. every nurse has their own "practice" and it's nice to be able to model the things i like and omit the others. i haven't had a bad nurse yet but i've heard some stories.

one of my patients was a homeless man withdrawing from alcohol. he was very agitated and it said he drank a dozen 24-oz per day...that is a lot of beer! there are many patients like this and seeing him only reaffirmed my decision to quit drinking. i don't want to get to that point. i don't think i would become that way, but i don't think he ever thought that either. it really can happen to anyone if they slowly lose that control and let the alcohol take over their lives. it's a harsh disease that affects many people.

TV - just started watching six feet under, it's about a family that owns a mortuary. showtime has the best shows! this one is pretty funny and the family is so dysfunctional it's entertaining. a lot of people are afraid of death or even talking about it. uncomfortable topic, use comedy! i guess working at a nursing home i see a lot of old people die so it doesn't make me too scared. it's a natural part of life and for me, it's nice helping someone to be comfortable at the end. you just have to accept it's going to happen.

#124 - the good

my day at work was good and bad, mostly just busy/crazy. i will only write about the good though because this moment made my day. we have this resident i will call A. she's about to turn 104, i think. age gets fuzzy once they get so old. so we're sitting there at lunch and i am helping her to eat.

i tell her "A, next week is our birthdays you know?"
she says "oh really?"
i say "yeah you'll be 104"
she says "well it will be my day"
so i say "well what do you want on your special day?"
she answers "i just want to love you"

i love her! she is just such a sweet lady and i almost cried at that moment. i doubt she even really knows who i am, even though i've worked with her for 2.5 years. she's almost blind and pretty hard of hearing. sometimes i think she knows its me by my voice and gentle care but i can never really be sure. she says wonderful things like "you're a jewel" and "you're a beautiful girl" (i take it for what it is cause she's nearly blind).

one hundred and four years old! that's old. working in geriatrics you deal with a lot of old people, they come and go. there are usually people dying every month, some months more than others. A is the one resident that i am attached to and it will destroy me when she goes. i've seen so many die, some went slow and others fast and unexpected. i've gone to a few funerals of those who really impacted me in some way. i spend so much time there and get to know these wonderful people, it's really hard to let go. some of them don't even have a funeral because they have no one.

i have a couple who have been married for decades, probably 60 years or so. they still call each other sweetheart and are always looking for the other. they tell each other "i love you" and honestly, it's one of the most wonderful things. they don't know where they are or what year it is. he is pretty deaf and can't see well, she is kind of crazy (okay, really crazy), but what they do know is their love for one another, and it's beautiful. that's the thing that keeps them going.

and these people i take care of are the reason i keep going back, even though it kills my back and i can't stand some of the people i work with. i am there for the residents because they deserve someone who cares about them. it seems like everyday is a bad day and i say i'm never coming back, and then someone tells me they just want to love me. the thing is, everyone just wants and needs a little love.

#100 - random reflections

a hundred is a time for reflection. i started this baby in october, mostly cause i was bored or needed distraction. it has been a place to post pictures and videos i like, a place to share my thoughts, think out loud and just express myself. it's been about 7 months of blogging and i've been enjoying life for the most part. i posted a reflection on last year then one on 2008 and what i expected and looked forward to this year. reflections and expectations.

lately i've been very socially active through pseudo physical activity. yes, i'm talking about dodgeball. i've been playing since fall in the recess time league, 48 teams, hundreds of new friends, fun times for all. my friend and i made a goal of meeting one new person a week and with dedication to our cause have gone above and beyond! i would say i am not a really outgoing person. yes, i like to have a good time. yes, i enjoy people. but i don't just go up to random people and talk to them. in dodgeball it's pretty easy cause you've got at least a few things you could say. how was your game? what team you play on? how long you been playing? etc. an hour later you are best friends. we've been closing the bar for the past two seasons and it really is great. the same people end up at the bar late at night every week. one such friend came to me asking if i wanted to try another league. so he made this team, the mother chukars. we joined the underdog league, an 11 team new-ish league. while the level of competition is not quite the same, it is new and fun. of course we're still closing down the bar but i've met a handful of great friends through this league. it's like we've been friends forever!there really is nothing i look forward to more than dodgeball. sometimes i think this is silly and when i say it out loud it sounds silly. that's life and that's me, i'm silly. maybe it's the lack of sleep lately, or perhaps lack of good nutrition. i've been lacking motivation to even go to the gym. i used to go to the gym everyday and workout for an hour easily. now i can't even go for 45 minutes without being bored, but i can play dodgeball for 3 hours. i am really obsessed.

that's what it takes to become good. obsession and dedication. i was watching the nfl draft yesterday. to make it to the league you need to commit your life to it because it's gonna make you millions of dollars. eat right and train with the best. teams try to pick up the players they think have potential to be great players at that high level. they measure their 40 times, vertical leap, bench press and other drills. they do physical and mental exams on everyone. they watch film, interview coaches, trainers and other people in the know. they do all this but still, it's not guaranteed. the biggest example of a draft flop is probably ryan leaf (older brother of duck brady leaf) who was selected in the first round of the draft and later went on to suck. he was a great college quarterback at washington state but just didn't have what it takes to succeed at the next level. no one knows. that's why there are also those players who get selected low and become hall of famers, like tom brady who was a 6th round pick or joe montana (3rd).

#93 - nikita

my dog nikita is the smartest one i know. he can do all these different tricks, or at least used to. we got him on easter, 14 or 15 years ago from my mom's friend out in nanakuli. we went there to see her litter or 5 or so baby chihuahua-terriers. we were playing with them and they were so cute! i really liked the runt. after an hour or so of playing, my mom said "this one is yours!", giving us a cute little white puppy (not the runt). reina and i were so surprised and excited! we had never had a dog before and this one was so cute! he was a total puppy with so much energy. we didn't know much about taking care of him but we immediately loved everything about him. that night i slept with him on the floor of the bathroom. i'm sure he was scared so i cuddled him close to me. i named him after a character in a movie starring one of my favorite actors, river phoenix. he was the son of kgb agent parents and his name was nikita. i thought it was a great name and he seemed to like it too.

through the years he learned many tricks. he was a very well behaved dog, even though in those puppy years he was crazy and ran through the house a lot. he chewed things. he ate things. he ruined things. he ruined me, for the better. even though he was the one we had to feed, bathe, walk and take care of, he was the one who took care of us. when i had a problem or issue i would talk to niki. he always listened and no matter what he would give you kisses. he loved going places, especially maui, where he has been for the past several years. he and my grandpa spent a lot of time together. they would sit out in the yard under the cherry tree and just hang out. when my grandpa had a stroke he said niki acted strange. he knew what was happening i think. even so, niki was there for him. my grandpa got better and niki was there for my uncle and grandma as well. he was always there, waiting for you to come home, wagging his tail and waiting for butt scratches. he LOVED it.

we found out last year that he had a heart murmur, which is pretty common in chihuahuas apparently. they weren't too concerned about it and told us a couple things to look for: mostly getting tired quicker and short of breath. well it's come to that point. he kind of stopped eating, so the vet said to feed him anything that he WILL eat. the other day that was part of a manapua! yum. he's been short of breath and just acting different. my mom went over to maui to take him to the vet and they took an xray and gave him a shot. he's got congestive heart failure and i think some fluid in his lungs. the shot made him a little better but it's clear that he won't get too much better. the last time i was home and saw niki was february when i went home for a funeral. i've been saying bye to niki for a couple trips now but this time i knew it probably was the last. he's been getting deaf and blind for awhile and slowing down. i guess it happens when you are 90 or so. he was still very happy and loved his butt scratches. i did a lot of yard work and niki would just sit and watch me. my last project was painting this house for him. my grandparents bought this new recliner and it came in this big box. so i added some pizzazz to it. niki loved it and kept sitting by it. he's always so smiley in his pictures and i'm glad he's happy. he's made our family happier and when the time comes, as i know it will, we will only have pictures and memories (and the big box).

my mom talked to the vet about when to know to put him down and stuff like that. when it comes to the point where he's in too much pain or can't enjoy life, it's time to think about it. although he was having trouble breathing, he still seems to have life. he was wagging his tail. it's so hard not to be there to cuddle him again like i did that first night on the bathroom floor. he must know his time will come eventually. i really hope he goes in his sleep, i don't want my mom to have to make that decision ever. she's been through a lot of deaths in the past few months and this hopefully will be the last for awhile. he's had a great long life and so when the time comes, it comes. i've said my goodbye and gave him kisses. what more can you do?

#71 - life is short

i once had a 102 year old resident tell me "life is so short". and really it is. seeing people around you die and going to funerals really makes you think about death. it is coming, sooner or later. you really never know when. so what does that mean? you make the best of it.

no one knows how long they have and in the end all you have are memories and relationships. sure, you might have a big house, money, cars and fun toys but in the end you won't think "gee, i should've bought a bigger house". my uncle was 69 years old. some would say that's a short life, considering the average life span is now way over seventy. but he did the most with it. was a professor of education, a retired captain in the air force and a lovingly husband of over forty years.

reflecting on his full life and all his accomplishments only made me think about my future, my future and my funeral. it really was a wonderful funeral, funny memories and lots of laughter. he touched many lives and was a very modest person. what will people say of my life when it is over? i could only hope that it would be words used at my uncles funeral: kind, caring, gentle, loving, and smart.

although it may sound morbid to always be thinking of death, i do. but it is a constant reminder to me that life IS short and to really do something with it. certainly, sitting on the computer all day is not doing me much good. cultivate lasting and memorable relationships, eat lots of food and enjoy it, and most of all enjoy it. enjoy your life and share it with others, that's all we can do i guess.

#66 - r.i.p. uncle

it seems like the pain of losing loved ones is never going to end. it's been a long period of mourning that hasn't really subsided, if it's not one person, it's another. grandma bean in september, ben in november and now my uncle warren. he's actually not my uncle but my dad's mom's brother-in-law. if you put it that way it would seem like we were not meant to be close. but i would say that he (and my aunty carlene) was one of the big reasons why i chose to move to oregon, almost ten years ago. he was a prof at oregon state u and we visited little ole corvallis in '98 on a west coast college visiting trip, i was sold pretty quick! everywhere i looked it was green and beautiful, i loved the rain/weather, and i would have real family close by. how could you i not choose OSU? i didn't know them very well since they only came to visit now and then but i knew they welcomed me with open arms and hearts, embracing me as their own.

uncle warren was the most caring, thoughtful, unselfish, kind person i know. my aunty has parkinson's and so he has been her main caregiver for YEARS. i've never heard him complain and he did everything with her in mind. i never heard him ask for anything for himself. everything he did was for her. he was just a special person who touched everyone he met. while i went to school i had my own room at their house, never more than ten minutes away from where i lived. there was a free-standing offer of delicious food and a warm bed with family to keep me company. he made the best teriyaki meatloaf and beef stew. no one left hungry or skinny! my sister stayed there for maybe a week and gained 5 pounds i think.

he was a professor at oregon state for many years, in the dept of education. although i didn't know him as a professor, everyone at the college spoke highly of him. he was well respected and liked. he would always ask me lots of questions about school, work and the future. he was kind of a hard ass but just wanted me to be successful and meet my potential. i want to make him proud. he retired in 2002 but i didn't graduate till 2003, they decided to stay in oregon until i did before they moved back to hawaii. when they finally did, they got a condo and retired life was good.

uncle w had always been neat, on time and kept a tight schedule, even in retirement. so it was a little strange when he started not caring about the mess in the house and being a little late. he even missed a plane. it turned out he had a brain tumor! he had to go into the hospital and get surgery...but he fought through that and made it out. he got a cool scar but eventually he got back to himself, even driving again. when i was home in december he found out he had a lymphoma in his throat and tailbone which made it hard to eat and sit/stand. they were going to do chemo and other tests. my mom said they'd given him 9 months. he died yesterday.

i read this passage today in a newsletter at work that reminded me of uncle warren:

love is very patient, very kind
love knows no jealousy
love makes no parades,
gives itself no airs,
is never rude
never selfish
never resentful;
love is never glad when others go wrong
love is always eager to believe the best
always hopeful,
always patient
love never disappears

then i realized its a bible verse - 1 corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

my uncle was this definition of love, towards my aunty and everyone around him. he was not a person of many words. actually he was pretty quiet, my aunty and i are the crazy ones! i can't believe we've lost him. may he rest in peace, free from earthly pains and worries.

#57 - heath ledger

heath ledger died today, he was a beautiful, gifted actor from australia and was only 28. i don't know him but he is gone. i respected him as an actor so i guess that's why i'm sad. so many celebrities are in love with themselves and the limelight, they get into trouble and live crazy lives. he didn't really seem that way to me, he was very private, with his life focused on his career and daughter matilda.i first saw and loved him in 10 things i hate about you, a fun and fabulous movie based on shakespeare's "taming of the shrew". he had this crazy dark curly hair and was just really hunky and fun. he's made a bunch of films that i really like, playing a wide variety of characters. although he is a surfer looking pretty boy, he chose roles that brought him away from that idea, roles that challenged his acting ability. he played an australian outlaw in ned kelly opposite orlando bloom. another one i really liked was him playing the stoner skateboarder "skip" in lords of dogtown, a great movie about skating in the 70's. he was nominated for an oscar for his performance as troubled and quiet sheep herder ennis in brokeback mountain, the "gay cowboy" movie with jake gyllenhaal (now the godfather of matilda).his last two parts should be the most interesting. in i'm not there he plays a character who embodies a certain aspect of bob dylan. i really want to see it and it's still playing in theaters, maybe friday. he was just about to start publicity for the dark knight, sequel to batman begins with christian bale.
he plays the dark twisted character of a young joker. watching the trailer he looks totally different and just psycho! it won't come out till summer but i am anxiously awaiting its release already.

#54 - life list aka bucket list

i first heard of a life list when i saw this episode of scrubs called "my old lady", it was episode 4 of season 1. this clip features a great song and my second favorite version of it, "hallelujah" as done by john cale. my favorite is brandi carlile's version (duh). it definitely brought me to tears but also made me think of what it is that i wanted to accomplish in life. whenever the end comes i want to know that i don't have much on my list left. i've always had ideas of what would be on that list but never wrote one.



there is a new movie coming out called "bucket list" starring jack nicholson and morgan freeman about two old guys with cancer. basically they decide to do everything on their list (things to do before you kick the bucket). seeing the trailer for that movie brought back that scrubs episode and encouraged me to write mine. i am not dying or even close but if i make that list now i can actually have time to do the things on it and enjoy it. a lot of the things on my list have to do with travel and experiencing new cultures/things. i stumbled upon this site called SuperViva and here is my life list.

so far my list is over 170 things to do, some examples:

• mardi gras in new orleans
• swim with sharks
• see aurora borealis
• write a book
• build a house
• live in italy

my goal is to complete 90% of the things on my list before i die. i don't know how much time i have so i better get started! i have a few things on that list i know i'll do this year. woot!

being young, i know i have years to get things done on my list. the things i haven't yet done are not important yet because i know i have time. i don't know how much time but living healthy is a good way to ensure at least decades. i work in a nursing home and have these conversations with old people all the time. i ask them what their life was like and how they lived so long. getting to know them as they used to be is a lot different than who some of them are now.

i lost one of my dear residents on friday. let's just call her "mary", fictitious of course but i abide by HIPPA regulations. she has lived at my facility for at least ten years, probably more. she was a very interesting lady, graduated from reed college, married and widowed twice, and liked politics. she was involved in politics earlier in life and liked to talk about it. whenever W would come on tv she would just scoff, that made me laugh. she enjoyed watching animal planet and had this picture book called "stuff on my cat", hilarious pictures of cats with random things on them. i don't think the cats enjoyed posing for these pics but it was entertaining. many people i worked with thought mary was unfriendly and mean. they didn't get to know her. i went on a little vacation for the holiday and when i returned, i heard in report that she was on hospice, lost 10 pounds in a week and wasn't speaking. so i knew she was going to die. i didn't have her in my section that day so i thought i'd drop in and say hi. her face was hollow and body thinned out, she looked close. i said hi and when she saw me her eyes lit up. i told her i missed her and she said "i missed you too." i gave her a hug and went back to work. the next day she was in my section so i was glad. it was her day for a bath and i tried to keep her comfortable during it. i knew she was in pain and was so tired. she was ready to go. when i put lotion on her arms and legs she looked relieved and comfortable. she slept most of the day and when i was done i went in and said goodbye. i knew it would be the last time i saw her so i just gave her a kiss and said "i love you". that was it.

#30 - unfair

no one should have to experience so many close to them dying. it started less than two months ago. my "oregon grandma" passed away at age 91, pretty unexpectedly. then a month ago one of my favorite residents died at age 90. she slowly got weaker and then finally decided to let go. then this past friday i got the news no one wants to hear.

i was screwing around on the computer at home friday night when i got a call from my friend saying that her sister's husband (who i lived with for awhile) was in the hospital - OHSU. so it was 8:15 or so and i got some stuff together and hopped on the bus. an hour later i arrived at icu where he was, along with my friend and her sister. everything from then was a blur. he had heart failure, they had to do cpr for an hour, he didn't have enough oxygen to his brain, he was on a ventilator and of course there wasn't much hope. i spent the night friday and saturday at the hospital, not really sleeping because tiny couches aren't comfortable for that purpose. i cried a lot. especially every time a new family member arrived to see him. he looked pretty much the same, with a little more scruff than normal. he had a bunch of tubes coming out from everywhere but for the most part didn't look too bad.

although we wanted to have hope that he would get better, the reality was that his organs were shut down, as was his brain. the only thing really working was his heart, which was tachycardic. the ventilator was the only thing really keeping him alive - life support. he had told his wife never to let him live like that, but his mom was on her way from michigan. he had to be kept going till she arrived. it was the longest two days. i couldn't really eat or sleep. i cried more than i ever have. why so much pain? well he was only 31. 5 years older than i. it was tragedy, we were all left asking "why?" and wondering what we could've done to prevent it. what could we do to bring him back? what is the purpose of life if it could be taken away like that? and really the question that bothered me most:
"is it better to have loved and lost or never have loved at all?"

while that question has yet to be answered it makes me afraid of finding any kind of mind-blowing love. put all my energy into this one person, to actually become one. to not want to live without the other, or not be able to live without the other. to feel like you are not whole without him. to feel pain everytime you think of him, gone. can people recover from this type of loss and if so, how?? they really complemented and completed each other. no one else understood either of them but yet they both got each other. why?

so they took him off life support on sunday. i saw him and he looked really dead. in the previous days he didn't look anything but sleeping. but when he was actually gone it was different. he was 31. three deaths in two months. it is a little too hard to understand why. the old people (the grandmas) had lived. they had kids, they traveled, they loved, they lost, they loved again, 90 birthdays is a lot. 31 is not enough. he still had so much to do and it's just not fair. not fair.

sure you could say that none of these people were my direct relatives or even my closest friends, but for some reason it felt so real - so close. it didn't matter the blood relation but the fact that these people gave me so much. making me apple pie, telling me i was funny, teaching me how to cook something. it's the little things. it's not about how long you know them or even how well but each moment you spend with people counts. each conversation you have and each little story means something. those are the things that you remember. in the end you are surprised about the things you remember. when you lose someone so many priorities change and you realize the things that are important. spending time with the friends and family you love becomes it. love is all you need.

#22 - death and dying

i work in a nursing home. many of the people i take care of will die there. it is a sad but true fact. even though i don't work there full time anymore i am there enough to know all the residents and some of them really get to you. i've worked there for almost 2 years now and so i've seen many come and go. although there are a select few that you dislike as people and it is a very hard job without enough pay, there are many rewards.

it really is an honor to care for these people who are totally dependent on you and who have no one else who could do it. many of them are well into their 90s and we have a few in their 100s. it is incredible how these people live that long (i personally do not want to). there are former dancers, actresses, singers, teachers, writers, pilots, bankers, homemakers, and business people. the majority of them are women. many haven't ever married. some were married, had kids but they live far away. such is the case for a very special lady.

she died about 2 weeks ago. i was there. when you are old and dying it can be a fast thing or slow. you never know. with this lady though she had almost her whole family around her. she was lying peacefully and was ready to go. she basically waited for the last son to arrive before she kicked the bucket. i was lucky enough to help with her post-mortem care. i volunteered for it because here was this sweet little lady (probably 4 foot 6 or something) who never had an ill word for anyone. i really loved talking to her and caring for her. of all the people on our floor she enjoyed watching football and golf! she was constantly on the move with her walker, calling you "honey" and you just knew she was a great woman before her illnesses because of the way she treated people. she radiated happiness and love. i felt it was an honor to help her rest in peace. she always had nice perfectly done hair so we made sure to do that too.

i went to her funeral and you knew what a wonderful woman she was. there were so many people and everyone with just wonderful stories. i really feel lucky to have met and helped her. as a CNA i don't often get "thank yous" from family members or residents themselves but her daughter came up to a few of us after the funeral and really thanked us, with tears in her eyes. she said the only way she could go home at night was knowing that there were good caregivers for her mom. it really felt good to know. i loved that little lady and i'll miss her terribly.