#217 - one year

it's been a year since Hector passed away. RIP Hector. to me he was the most amazing lover of a dog. i can't write much because i am crying too much but i just did want to recognize this day. he was a lover and a fighter, if that's possible. i feel really empty and broken without him. there is a chihuahua-sized hole in my heart that cannot be filled. one year later and i still think about him everyday. love is like that i guess. in memory of sweet hector i decided to get a tribute tattoo. it is still healing so i haven't a proper picture but this is the one i took from my phone immediately afterwards.
i got it done at imperial tattoo in portland by this guy named mike. he was awesome and did such a perfect job! the tattoo is almost as cute as the real thing! now i carry him with me wherever i go.

#192 - new dog

sadly, i don't think i am getting the dog. while i would love to take care of a puppy, i think it might just be too sudden. i have been thinking about her for a couple weeks now but at this point i do not yet have a full time job. so i'd have lots of time to train her, but no money to feed her. i wouldn't want to starve the little girl. it is likely that i will be working 12-hour shifts and with a 30-60 minute commute each way that could potentially be 14 hours away, three times a week. that's not fair to the puppy.

i have been watching my friend's two dogs here at the coast. they are a handful but are house broken and past the puppy stage. they sleep with me and cuddle all i want. i'm getting a huge dose of doggy love. maybe this is all i need for awhile. the playing without the responsibility. sure, i am taking care of them and responsible enough that they don't get hurt or stolen. i am even feeding them everyday. they are easy enough.

having a dog means being tied down. i would have to either bring it with me or get home everyday. sometimes things come up and i am away all day. that is not fair to a young puppy. also if i am to travel anytime soon (and hopefully i am) i would have to find someone to care for her. although i have a lot of people probably willing to do so, i'd hate to do it.

my current living situation is a temporary one. i am basically house sitting while cleaning it to be rented/sold. so the puppy would get used to the house and we'd have to move again in the fall. tortuous. also i'd have to pay for cleaning and deposits, which i am not too keen on. i want to wait for a more permanent place.

all these things point to "no" yet i am still torn. i am still going to meet her on friday even though i am about 90% sure. she deserves a look-see.

#187 - RIP hector

in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (may 24), hector "the projector" passed away. he had been sick for awhile, with his body no longer producing blood cells. he was anemic and perhaps had some kind of doggy leukemia. i don't know and i guess i don't really need to. he is gone, that's all that matters. he was getting blood transfusions a few times a week so that his levels would go up, and it seemed to be doing him good. but he stopped giving kisses a long time ago and just was not himself.while he may not be suffering anymore, it is hard to say he is in a better place because that place is without me. i am without him. i had not seen him in a long time but his picture on my wall is usually one of the last things i see before i go to sleep. the one with the sombrero. he definitely did not like that hat but we made him wear it for the picture.he was one special dog. special in many ways. in my opinion he was one of the sweetest, loving dogs in the world and definitely my favorite after Niki. he gave the smallest, cutest, perfect kisses. never too much tongue and he didn't try to stick it in your mouth. it was just sweet. to me, he was gentle and kind. he wasn't my dog but he was so special to me and will always be.yes, there are those who hector did not warm up to (most people) who mostly got growled at and even a special few who got love bites. it took him awhile to trust i guess. once you earned that, he was yours forever. he is my forever friend.this dog would eat anything but especially liked chicken, which Mike would always have in his truck for hector, his best friend. they always went to work together and hector would run around the house looking for trouble or some blue tape to eat. he loved to eat tape.i remember when hector was just a baby, four short years ago. he was very curious but kind of wary of new things. he was always a cuddler. all i can think about is how much of a lover hector was. it's hard for me to think of going to the coast and hector not being there to greet me. when i go to the beach he won't be there chasing or barking at birds/dogs/people. when i'm lying on the couch he won't be there trying to jump up on it with me. i say "try" because as a small, fat chihuahua he didn't think he could make it up. so usually i would just pick him up and set him next to me.indeed, i will miss hector forever. i don't know why he became so special to me but that is doggy love. he knows things about me that most people don't because i told him. he loved me no matter what and it goes both ways. he can't do no wrong. even now, i can't blame him. while i do feel some guilt for not being there when he was sick, i can't blame myself. i am just sad and i will miss him. he was a part of me and i would've given my arm/leg/butt cheek for him. hector, such a good dog!

#170 - valentine's day

i don't like valentine's day. i don't know what the origins of it are particularly. i think maybe it has to do with some saint? well whatever it started as, it's totally different now. i am not being bitter for having done nothing for that day but i have never really liked it. even when i was in a relationship or even when i got a dozen roses from a friend (that was really sweet!) i am just not big on the idea of it. it is basically consumerism at its finest. you have to show your bf/gf/spouse/lover how much you love them by showering them with gifts (diamonds!), chocolates, roses, and nice dinner. how shallow and lame. people have all kinds of expectations for the day and when it doesn't work out, they are disappointed. sure, who doesn't love getting gifts? it is nice to get all these things, but wouldn't it be more awesome if it was given on a totally separate day, when it is not expected? when society isn't telling you to buy all these things?

it's all so fake to me. pick a random day and surprise me. i'm not into diamonds so much but chocolate and flowers are always a plus! do i sound bitter? i hope not, that's not my intention and i don't think i'm bitter. i just think it's lame that the holiday is so commercialized. it's not even a real holiday but it seems like people only shower their loved ones on days they are expected to, v-day, birthdays, xmas. be a little more creative people!

i guess everything nowadays is commercialized and consumerism is all-important. since the economy is bad, we should stimulate it. what a concept. instead of watching our spending and living within our means we should go out and buy stuff. i like holidays where buying stuff isn't a big part of it, like thanksgiving. pretty simply, turkey day is getting together with family to eat and be thankful. and of course they try to commercialize it. it bugs me.

i spent the day giving love to the old people at my work, dressed everyone in red or pink (haha), and hanging out with friends. it was a good day and i felt the love. i didn't need anyone to buy me flowers cause i could appreciate all the flowers that the old people got from their relatives (but did they visit? hell no). i even enjoyed looking at the lilies that give me allergies. i ate chocolate too, why not?! it was good times and perhaps someday i will get flowers and a lovely romantic dinner...on a random day cause it's more awesome.

#124 - the good

my day at work was good and bad, mostly just busy/crazy. i will only write about the good though because this moment made my day. we have this resident i will call A. she's about to turn 104, i think. age gets fuzzy once they get so old. so we're sitting there at lunch and i am helping her to eat.

i tell her "A, next week is our birthdays you know?"
she says "oh really?"
i say "yeah you'll be 104"
she says "well it will be my day"
so i say "well what do you want on your special day?"
she answers "i just want to love you"

i love her! she is just such a sweet lady and i almost cried at that moment. i doubt she even really knows who i am, even though i've worked with her for 2.5 years. she's almost blind and pretty hard of hearing. sometimes i think she knows its me by my voice and gentle care but i can never really be sure. she says wonderful things like "you're a jewel" and "you're a beautiful girl" (i take it for what it is cause she's nearly blind).

one hundred and four years old! that's old. working in geriatrics you deal with a lot of old people, they come and go. there are usually people dying every month, some months more than others. A is the one resident that i am attached to and it will destroy me when she goes. i've seen so many die, some went slow and others fast and unexpected. i've gone to a few funerals of those who really impacted me in some way. i spend so much time there and get to know these wonderful people, it's really hard to let go. some of them don't even have a funeral because they have no one.

i have a couple who have been married for decades, probably 60 years or so. they still call each other sweetheart and are always looking for the other. they tell each other "i love you" and honestly, it's one of the most wonderful things. they don't know where they are or what year it is. he is pretty deaf and can't see well, she is kind of crazy (okay, really crazy), but what they do know is their love for one another, and it's beautiful. that's the thing that keeps them going.

and these people i take care of are the reason i keep going back, even though it kills my back and i can't stand some of the people i work with. i am there for the residents because they deserve someone who cares about them. it seems like everyday is a bad day and i say i'm never coming back, and then someone tells me they just want to love me. the thing is, everyone just wants and needs a little love.

#90 - myself

reading my blog from yesterday and then finishing my book eat, pray, love, i realized (again) that i am everywhere. not in the same idea as "God is everywhere" but i am all over the place mentally. on one side i've got crazy, bitter, resentful, angry, frustrated, embarrassed nursing student. on the other i've got calm, stress-free, life-living, soul-searching, caring student of life trying to make a difference in this world.

i got this little blurb out of the book: the bhagavad gita says "it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection." i've read the gita and must read it again. that's wisdom and sage advice. i believe your twenties are really about trying to figure things out and coming to terms with the person you are, the person you want to be and the person you are becoming. these three people are (at the moment) not one and the same. for some people they are and others it takes longer. it's important to me to continually think about this. that way i've got accountability for myself (present and future).

at the end and start of every month i do a little thinking/analyzing about how the past month was and what i want out of the next one. a little check and re-check. what did i accomplish last month and what do i want to accomplish next? in the book, she writes that in bali common greetings are "where are you going?" and "where are you coming from?"

so where was i last month?
i was enjoying the last of my extended break from school. i went out a lot, hung out with friends, ate food, met people, stayed out late and basically paid for it in the end when i got a flu-like sickness. i slept for 14 hours the other day cause i was so exhausted. it's good to get it out of my system, the craziness. that is not to say there won't be some fun and crazy times this month, but they will be few and far between. i gave up shopping for lent and that worked out well, still haven't bought anything. and if anything, it's taught me to really think about things that i need. for example, my ipod that died. i have a shuffle and right now that is working out just fine for me. it's a little annoying when on a ride of longer than an hour because by then i want to listen to something other than one of the 250 songs that can fit. but lent has been over for a week and i haven't rushed out and bought my ipod (leaning towards the classic). i have to think about other things that i really need. i've got a trip coming up and need/want a few things for it. not even going to risk taking my ipod so i'll buy it when i get back, if i have any money left.

where am i going this month?
my main focus will be on school. i have the one class - pathophysiology. i will be a superstar and i will know things. i will study hard and i will do well. at the same time, i need to deal with my angry/bitter side by throwing dodgeballs at people. so i will be playing lots of dodgeball. i'm also going to be working a few times a week. so school, work and dodgeball. so out of 168 hours a week:

• 56 hours sleeping (8 hours a day, average)
• 24 hours working
• 12 hours AT SCHOOL on mondays
• 6 hours playing dodgeball

that leaves 70 hours to study, make food, eat, workout, procrastinate, get ready, go places, free time. that may seem like a lot...but it's not.

while i'm always thinking about the person i want to become and my future self, i often feel i need to focus more on the now, the present.

no day but today -rent

i neglect the now self. the only way to truly appreciate life is to embrace that self, no matter how flawed or wrong it feels. embracing it doesn't mean being content. you've got to love yourself first! i've never believed that contentment is a good thing. i don't mean contentment of material possessions (this is good), but always trying to be better. becoming a better person. no one is, was or ever will be perfect. some would argue that if you're always trying for something else you'll never appreciate what you have. i would have to disagree and say that being content with what you have will make you complacent and lax. it would me anyway. i appreciate everything i have, whether it was given to me or i have earned it. it doesn't mean i don't want to better myself. i do.

#73 - surf!

what is better than surfing? i don't know. the one thing i always need to do when i come back (besides eat everything in sight) is go surfing. i know, there is some good surfing on the oregon coast and it is still fun. but braving the freezing temperatures is just not my thing, plus not having a car, board, or wetsuit makes it that much more challenging to get out and surf. so i make it a point to let my friend matt know way ahead of time when i'll be back so we can go surfing together. he goes to different places to surf but we always go out to white plains. it's not big waves or anything, which i think is why i'm comfortable there. there aren't a thousand people competing for a wave like in town. it's nice and laid back and even on a saturday wasn't too busy. the waves were small but were pretty clean. what made it even better was the purchase of a single-use underwater camera. we were catching waves left and right (more matt than i) and taking turns posing for the camera, which was pretty fun! the only thing is, matt has to practice his action photo skills cause every pic of me was cut off somehow. haha it was fun though. it was nice to take my mind off all the sadness on this trip and in the past several months, surfing is nice like that. there is a lot of time to sit and wait for waves, reflecting on life. although matt and i go together, we don't really talk too much while we're out there. surfing is the closest thing to meditation that i do, and i don't do it very often but it sure feels good. when else do i have time to just sit in the sun, feet in the water, and relax? never. i've said before, there aren't many reasons why i'd want to move back to hawaii because i love oregon, but surfing would be one. once i'm done with school and get some experience in the field, then i can think about coming back for a travel nursing stint. until then i have to be content with surfing once or twice a year and really making the best of it. soak up the rays, get a workout, and have a song stuck in my head, all while thinking about the good life.

#71 - life is short

i once had a 102 year old resident tell me "life is so short". and really it is. seeing people around you die and going to funerals really makes you think about death. it is coming, sooner or later. you really never know when. so what does that mean? you make the best of it.

no one knows how long they have and in the end all you have are memories and relationships. sure, you might have a big house, money, cars and fun toys but in the end you won't think "gee, i should've bought a bigger house". my uncle was 69 years old. some would say that's a short life, considering the average life span is now way over seventy. but he did the most with it. was a professor of education, a retired captain in the air force and a lovingly husband of over forty years.

reflecting on his full life and all his accomplishments only made me think about my future, my future and my funeral. it really was a wonderful funeral, funny memories and lots of laughter. he touched many lives and was a very modest person. what will people say of my life when it is over? i could only hope that it would be words used at my uncles funeral: kind, caring, gentle, loving, and smart.

although it may sound morbid to always be thinking of death, i do. but it is a constant reminder to me that life IS short and to really do something with it. certainly, sitting on the computer all day is not doing me much good. cultivate lasting and memorable relationships, eat lots of food and enjoy it, and most of all enjoy it. enjoy your life and share it with others, that's all we can do i guess.

#66 - r.i.p. uncle

it seems like the pain of losing loved ones is never going to end. it's been a long period of mourning that hasn't really subsided, if it's not one person, it's another. grandma bean in september, ben in november and now my uncle warren. he's actually not my uncle but my dad's mom's brother-in-law. if you put it that way it would seem like we were not meant to be close. but i would say that he (and my aunty carlene) was one of the big reasons why i chose to move to oregon, almost ten years ago. he was a prof at oregon state u and we visited little ole corvallis in '98 on a west coast college visiting trip, i was sold pretty quick! everywhere i looked it was green and beautiful, i loved the rain/weather, and i would have real family close by. how could you i not choose OSU? i didn't know them very well since they only came to visit now and then but i knew they welcomed me with open arms and hearts, embracing me as their own.

uncle warren was the most caring, thoughtful, unselfish, kind person i know. my aunty has parkinson's and so he has been her main caregiver for YEARS. i've never heard him complain and he did everything with her in mind. i never heard him ask for anything for himself. everything he did was for her. he was just a special person who touched everyone he met. while i went to school i had my own room at their house, never more than ten minutes away from where i lived. there was a free-standing offer of delicious food and a warm bed with family to keep me company. he made the best teriyaki meatloaf and beef stew. no one left hungry or skinny! my sister stayed there for maybe a week and gained 5 pounds i think.

he was a professor at oregon state for many years, in the dept of education. although i didn't know him as a professor, everyone at the college spoke highly of him. he was well respected and liked. he would always ask me lots of questions about school, work and the future. he was kind of a hard ass but just wanted me to be successful and meet my potential. i want to make him proud. he retired in 2002 but i didn't graduate till 2003, they decided to stay in oregon until i did before they moved back to hawaii. when they finally did, they got a condo and retired life was good.

uncle w had always been neat, on time and kept a tight schedule, even in retirement. so it was a little strange when he started not caring about the mess in the house and being a little late. he even missed a plane. it turned out he had a brain tumor! he had to go into the hospital and get surgery...but he fought through that and made it out. he got a cool scar but eventually he got back to himself, even driving again. when i was home in december he found out he had a lymphoma in his throat and tailbone which made it hard to eat and sit/stand. they were going to do chemo and other tests. my mom said they'd given him 9 months. he died yesterday.

i read this passage today in a newsletter at work that reminded me of uncle warren:

love is very patient, very kind
love knows no jealousy
love makes no parades,
gives itself no airs,
is never rude
never selfish
never resentful;
love is never glad when others go wrong
love is always eager to believe the best
always hopeful,
always patient
love never disappears

then i realized its a bible verse - 1 corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

my uncle was this definition of love, towards my aunty and everyone around him. he was not a person of many words. actually he was pretty quiet, my aunty and i are the crazy ones! i can't believe we've lost him. may he rest in peace, free from earthly pains and worries.

#30 - unfair

no one should have to experience so many close to them dying. it started less than two months ago. my "oregon grandma" passed away at age 91, pretty unexpectedly. then a month ago one of my favorite residents died at age 90. she slowly got weaker and then finally decided to let go. then this past friday i got the news no one wants to hear.

i was screwing around on the computer at home friday night when i got a call from my friend saying that her sister's husband (who i lived with for awhile) was in the hospital - OHSU. so it was 8:15 or so and i got some stuff together and hopped on the bus. an hour later i arrived at icu where he was, along with my friend and her sister. everything from then was a blur. he had heart failure, they had to do cpr for an hour, he didn't have enough oxygen to his brain, he was on a ventilator and of course there wasn't much hope. i spent the night friday and saturday at the hospital, not really sleeping because tiny couches aren't comfortable for that purpose. i cried a lot. especially every time a new family member arrived to see him. he looked pretty much the same, with a little more scruff than normal. he had a bunch of tubes coming out from everywhere but for the most part didn't look too bad.

although we wanted to have hope that he would get better, the reality was that his organs were shut down, as was his brain. the only thing really working was his heart, which was tachycardic. the ventilator was the only thing really keeping him alive - life support. he had told his wife never to let him live like that, but his mom was on her way from michigan. he had to be kept going till she arrived. it was the longest two days. i couldn't really eat or sleep. i cried more than i ever have. why so much pain? well he was only 31. 5 years older than i. it was tragedy, we were all left asking "why?" and wondering what we could've done to prevent it. what could we do to bring him back? what is the purpose of life if it could be taken away like that? and really the question that bothered me most:
"is it better to have loved and lost or never have loved at all?"

while that question has yet to be answered it makes me afraid of finding any kind of mind-blowing love. put all my energy into this one person, to actually become one. to not want to live without the other, or not be able to live without the other. to feel like you are not whole without him. to feel pain everytime you think of him, gone. can people recover from this type of loss and if so, how?? they really complemented and completed each other. no one else understood either of them but yet they both got each other. why?

so they took him off life support on sunday. i saw him and he looked really dead. in the previous days he didn't look anything but sleeping. but when he was actually gone it was different. he was 31. three deaths in two months. it is a little too hard to understand why. the old people (the grandmas) had lived. they had kids, they traveled, they loved, they lost, they loved again, 90 birthdays is a lot. 31 is not enough. he still had so much to do and it's just not fair. not fair.

sure you could say that none of these people were my direct relatives or even my closest friends, but for some reason it felt so real - so close. it didn't matter the blood relation but the fact that these people gave me so much. making me apple pie, telling me i was funny, teaching me how to cook something. it's the little things. it's not about how long you know them or even how well but each moment you spend with people counts. each conversation you have and each little story means something. those are the things that you remember. in the end you are surprised about the things you remember. when you lose someone so many priorities change and you realize the things that are important. spending time with the friends and family you love becomes it. love is all you need.