#198 - my new apartment

i titled it like a scrubs episode, which i've been watching a lot lately. good stuff! i am moving in two weeks into a two bedroom apartment with my friend and fellow nurse, jen. we had been talking about moving in together for awhile. we used to work together and are both pretty chill and not too anal so i think it will work out. i haven't seen the place yet but she did and i trust her judgement. usually i am the one who will live in any dumpy place so if she says it's cool then i am down. the thing is it's really, really close to a lot of essentials. there is a fred meyer (like safeway that sells clothes and electronics) about two blocks away, really good thai food about 6 blocks away, a couple frequent bus lines two blocks away, dodgeball gym 8 blocks and the 24 hour is 16 blocks away. i can actually walk there...but the bus ride is probably about 4 minutes so i will do that instead. now i have absolutely no excuses!

my room will be a little smaller than jen's room but i think i'll be paying a little less. all i need is a place to sleep and a good kitchen. she says it's got good cabinet space so that is awesome. i'm just excited to be moving in closer to society. right now i am really far from everything and everyone that matters. although i'll need to take two buses to jeremy's place, it'll only be 20 minutes at the most. it's so convenient and for a decent price!! i'm so excited!

this will be portland rental #10. yes, this is the 10th place that i have lived in 5 years. yikes! that is a lot of moving around and packing/unpacking. i am used to it but really what i want to do is get rid of a lot and just have the essentials. i feel like i have a lot of crap that i don't need or use. "the things you own, end up owning you." -fight club, yo. you buy all this stuff and have to haul it around with you and you have to find an apartment/house big enough to keep that stuff. while the monk's life with just a robe and a bowl is not as far as i want to go, i certainly don't want to be weighed down by unnecessary belongings. the less i have, the less i have to worry about. but i am an american consumer and that is engrained into my being, so i do like a trip out to ikea every now and then. i tell myself i NEED that new ____. it doesn't even matter if i have the money, i know i don't need it but it feels good to buy it. there is something wrong with that. just cause i can, i do.

i just watched "Blood Diamond" again the other night and it is a pretty powerful movie. sure, i watched it to make googley eyes at leo but it also shows a world that is totally unknown and foreign to me and to many others. there is so much that goes on in the world that we have no idea is happening. they don't show a lot of these controversial issues on the 6:00 news. genocide in africa using child soldiers on crack is not a pressing issue. this stuff is still going on. how can we help? for one, when you buys diamonds (cause i do all the time) make sure they are conflict-free. but there is really no way to really know for sure so why buy them in the first place? people die so that you can have some bling. it's sad. there are other ways to show your lover that you love them, it doesn't always have to be so consumeristic and materialistic. and who says when you get married you need to have this ring with a giant sparkly rock? i don't know who started it but plenty of people get the nicest ring with the biggest rock then have to sell it later because they get divorced. it does not represent love, just money.

anyway, that was my rant of the day. i am excited for my new apartment though!!

#181 - housing situation

once again i am thinking about moving. my 6-month lease is up on may 5. my landlord wanted me to sign a one-year lease once this one was up, so she wouldn't have to look for a tenant in november again. i am not quite ready to move, don't have time to look for places, and don't have money to put down for deposits. so i want to propose a 3-month lease (which would be done august, which is perfect for moving) or a month-to-month deal. she is kind of old and i could see where she would be unwilling to budge, but it is also a good idea on my part. the biggest problem is that she is somewhere far away in her RV without a cell phone, until may. i'm assuming she's coming back to take care of my lease and/or moving. i wasn't able to talk to her and so i don't know what to do. she didn't even tell me she was going on this trip in the first place. lame. so i inteded to talk to her before a 30-day notice would be appropriate. i called her, she was not there. does this mean she doesn't need 30 days notice?

i hate the physical and mental strain of moving. i hate putting all my crap (it's mostly crap) into boxes and shuttling them from one temporary place to another. i knew moving in that this place would not be my last, mostly because it's got no "real" kitchen. that bothers me but for now i deal with it because it's a good deal. eventually i want to live in a place that feels like HOME and that i will not think of as temporary. for the last 4 years that i've lived in portland i think i've lived in 7 or 8 places. my mom hates it because she has to change her address book so much. i don't do it on purpose but certain places just get old after awhile. call it what you want. i get antsy after awhile.

also i want a dog. i can't have one at my current place. :(

thinking of moving always makes me think of simplifying. i have way too much stuff, yet i really don't have much. it's all junk. if i died and there was an estate sale (or even a yard sale), there would be nothing of interest. i've got too much stuff yet nothing sellable. i probably couldn't even give my things away. there are two boxes full of junk headed for goodwill, probably is, they have been parked there in the corner for almost 6 months now, since i moved in. how lame am i? it's mostly clothes i don't seem to want/need/like anymore. i don't even like fashion so why do i have all these clothes?! ridiculous.

#155 - economical crisis

i was watching the news and they were talking about consumerism, what we do the best. to me, this whole crisis should be a wake up call as to our spending habits. instead of encouraging people to control their spending, they are decreasing interest on loans and credit cards so that they can keep on. i do understand that a certain amount of consumerism is necessary to keep the economy rolling but on a personal level, i can control what i spend, period. i cannot control what is happening on the national or international level. sure, things will get more expensive and people will lose jobs. it is sad and scary and although i hope no one i know will be affected, i know they will. people are losing jobs everywhere. it is crazy.

i have been working on simplifying my life, which automatically means spending less or being more aware of what i am buying. i used to be quite the shopper but have never gone shopping on "black friday", the day after thanksgiving that has all the crazy sales at 4am. when there are sales you buy things you wouldn't normally buy. you spend money you don't need to spend. now when i buy things i am sure that they will last me longer and i get more from it. it needs to be something well-made and long-lasting. if i can borrow it, i do. if i can buy it second-hand, i do.

a lot of people say they shop on black friday so they can get christmas presents. every year christmas is less desirable to me. it is way too focused on consumerism and presents. it kind of defeats the whole purpose of christmas to me. lately i've been trying to make christmas presents, especially keeping in mind what people would use and love. i try to personalize it as much as i can. some things that i've made are shirts, bookmarks, and calendars. this year i am so far behind. i have no idea what i am doing this year. being a poor student i am sure people don't expect much but i still want to give some kind of gift.

this week is thanksgiving, a time to give thanks. there are so many things i am thankful for right now. we should be thankful everyday but when there is so much crap going on sometimes it's hard. in the span of about 12 hours i broke my phone and lost my bus pass (value of about $800). i blame working too much on those thing and being tired. thankfully my friend had an extra phone that works and i got a call this morning that someone turned in my pass! how amazing. i may complain about this or that but really i am so lucky and happy. i have a job, i am in school to get my RN soon, i have food to eat, a cool new house, friends, family and live in oregon. so many people have lost their jobs, are bankrupt, going through bad relationships, in jail, whatever...and so i have no right to complain. it's so much easier to be negative, i have to work on that.

#152 - simplify, simplify

i am sure i have a post already named this. i believe it is a quote from "walden" by thoreau. i read it in high school but definitely need to hit it again. it's timeless. so i don't know if anyone noticed but it's been a week since i've written a blog. that is a long time for me. what has happened, you may have wondered...maybe not. i moved into my new place on the 5th. it's a studio, it's awesome, i live by myself and i love it. i've never lived alone, always with family or roommates, both pains if you ask me. moving always forces you to take an inventory of your "stuff". i had three truck loads. part of that was goodwill donations and other things to get rid of. i decided i had no more use for those things and that someone needed it more than i. i am trying to simplify my life. i am always trying to do this, ask anyone i know! having my own place has made it easier though. i really take a certain pride in what my place looks and feels like. i want to make it home and if there is too much clutter everywhere it just doesn't feel that way.

physical "stuff" clutter is one thing. it is pretty easy to get rid of, if you make that decision. i cut my wardrobe probably in half because there were so many things i just never wore. i thought i would make good use of somethings and just didn't. i am wasteful and very privileged. i understand that, and take responsibility for my waste. my things have gone back into circulation, to people who need/want them more than i have use for. i am also dealing with other kinds of clutter - emotional, psychological and technological. the first two are a whole 'nother post.

i am working on less techy stuff though, i cut down my list of rss feeds. it became too taxing to read through all of them. i wasn't enjoying them anymore and just trying to get through them. most of them were food-related, food porn if you will. when i am bored i like to look at pictures of yummy food. the idea being i would cook those yummy things eventually but truthfully it never happens. i don't have enough time. if i need a recipe i can get one! so the ones i still have are friend's blogs, because i still want to know what's going on there. another thing is i have no internet at my place. at first i was worried because i NEED my internet! then as i thought about it more, if i have it 24/7 i'm on it 24/7. simple as that. so i am weaning myself off of internet. it's for the best. now i go online when i need/want to, not just to waste time. i want my time to be better spent than just mindlessly surfing the net. i go online at work on night shift, at school and i can go to a coffee shop anytime. laptops rule.

my blog has become kind of boring. since i don't have a lot of time to take pictures, i'm not. so there aren't any pictures. sorry. once i get my place in order i'll probably put some pics up. not quite there yet. i'm still figuring out where everything goes or should go. i'm getting rid of things as i go along, like the college graduation present i NEVER used (2003). it's kind of ridiculous how i have dragged things around with me to every new place (8 since 2004), sometimes the thing being a box of recycling i had to go through. ridiculous! i didn't just do it then, i always left it for later. such a procrastinator!! now i'm not saying i'm going to become a non-procrastinator, that just wouldn't be right. :)

one more thing for simplicity - "have to's". a lot of times we say that we have to do things. in reality, there is nothing you really HAVE TO do. you make choices everyday. maybe if you say no the result will be negative and worse than if you say yes, making it hard to say no. i am working on saying no and not using the phrase "have to". there is no use. do i have to get up, out of bed and to work? no, but then i wouldn't get paid and couldn't eat or pay rent. there are consequences to our actions. i don't have to stay at a job i don't like but if i am too lazy to find a new one then that is my problem. i don't have to ride the bus everywhere, i can buy a used car and work extra to make more money to pay for insurance and gas. i make the choice. it's nice to have that choice but at the same time, it's on my shoulders so i am responsible.

already i am freeing up time for things like playing my guitar and reading. i just finished "WICKED" which was pretty (wickedly) awesome. i wanted to read it before i saw the musical, which i was told and quickly realized isn't much like the book. the book is all dark and adult whereas the musical is appropro for kids as well. i'm curious to see how it'll turn out and what was changed from the book. i'm listening to the soundtrack too, i like to know the songs cause it's weird when you go see a musical and don't know the songs. so now i've got "popular" in my head right now. it's insane.

i'm working on another budget, since i've changed locations and other priorities. it will be simple, of course, and i want to drastically reduce my spending/consumerism. while it would be nice to be able to buy whatever i want, i am sort of glad i need to be on a budget because i am a crazy impulsive shopper who loves to spend money (that i don't have). i've always been responsible with my credit but basically i go out shopping then have to pick up extra shifts at work to pay for stuff. vicious cycle. i did that "no buying" for lent and that worked out well. i wonder if i could do it for a whole year, or more. just not buy things anymore. something to think about.

#132 - consumerism

how do you define yourself? when you meet someone new, they often ask "what do you do?" and it's a hard question to answer for me because 1) i wipe butts for a job and 2) i am going to school to become a nurse. neither of these things really define me as a person and i don't really want to introduce myself as one or the other. but what should i say? i am a person who loves to play dodgeball, sing in the rain, travel the world and to eat good food. :) i think people sometimes ask so they can feel superior. they might not even be listening to what you say, but waiting for you to finish so they can one-up you.

i was watching "trading spouses" on CMT (yes, don't laugh) and this lady was so caught up with herself, she kept mentioning that she had a four-poster California king bed. her relationship with her husband was distant at best, and really - she was crazy and self-absorbed. her insecurities with her personal life manifested itself in showing off of her material possessions. having a nice big bed does not make you a good or decent person. she criticized the other mom for not running twice a day and said how "they are lucky i am here to help them and give them some culture." she was from florida and they were from wisconsin. i am not sure there is much more culture in florida than wisco.

so these things make me think of the movie FIGHT CLUB. if you have not seen it, you must. if you do not like violence then you can skip over those scenes, i don't really believe it is essential to the essence of the themes and purpose. here is a short clip/quote from the movie about self and identity.


you're not your job. you're not how much money you have in the bank. you're not the car you drive. you're not the contents of your wallet. you're not your fucking khakis. you're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

i don't believe in advertising, especially for drugs. this is a post for another day but people really believe in what they see on tv. while this isn't necessarily their fault, it is a problem. "advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need." it is so true. why is it that we are so dependent on material possessions? having things makes us feel good and buying things makes us feel we are closer to somehow having everything we need. we will never get to that place because hopefully we are always evolving and will never reach a state of being "complete". every day is a chance to become a better person.

tyler durden says "the things you own end up owning you. it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." meaning, material possessions are weighing us down. maybe it does not feel like it but our lives revolve around our "stuff". we need jobs to pay the rent to store the things we buy and electricity to keep them going. many people even have storage units to store the things they have purchased that they do not necessarily use. useless things taking up your money. that does not seem to make you "free". when people go through natural disasters and lose everything, they gain other things. they realize how the thing that's worth the most (their life) is still there even if they have no money. the friends and family that they still have is worth more than that house or car. while it may seem essential to have such things, it is not. of course losing all your possessions would be hard to cope with but there is more to life than stuff. with nothing to keep you attached you might realize that you have a bigger, larger purpose.

i re-read this post and it sounds kind of preachy. these are just my observations in general and while i believe a lot of it to be true, i do not really live this way. i buy things, i love to shop. i have more t-shirts than a person needs. i can not do laundry for a month and still have clothes to wear. BUT i do feel that all my things weigh me down and that if i can somehow simplify my life and pare down my belongings i will feel more free. i want to travel the world and having all this stuff kind of makes that less achievable. i need to pay rent or for storage while i am away, just so i have my things when i get back. on my trip to mexico/guatemala i lived out of a backpack, for almost a month. i never really felt i was lacking because i had the essentials and it was enough. back home, my room full of stuff was sitting there. going to school and working i do need a little more than just the essentials but the more you have, the more comfortable you become. why can't i just be content? if i am content with my material possessions, i can move on to other things. i can be free to change other aspects of my life and really work on my inner self, rather than focusing so much on my appearance/image/status.

i am working on finding a new place to live, with some friends. i want to pare down before i move. it will simplify the moving process as well as cut out the things in my life i don't need. other people could find better uses for my unloved things. i've got things sitting in the basement i haven't seen in a year. i am not even sure what's down there. i've got clothes i've never worn and books i never open. so i will simplify. will this get me closer to changing my life for the better? i hope so. it is hard to change the hard-wired consumerist lifestyle that we've become accustomed to but i want to, and hey, it can happen.

#120 - wasting time

i've been back now for four days, and what do i have to show for it? not much besides pictures on flickr. yes, it took awhile, but that's not a good excuse. luckily my work has been calling me non-stop so i'm working thu, fri, sat this week. so i think i'll be ok money-wise. i was a little worried cause i've got rent coming up and i haven't been working, only spending. i spent just about $1000 on my trip, not counting the airfare there. it's not too bad, i kept track of everything i spent there so i would have a good idea of what i bought. the top three things were hotels ($140), meals/snacks/water ($318) and transportation ($190). other things would be gifts, internet, laundry, stupid phone calls, guatemalan farmacia purchases, border fees, park entrance fees and a massage.

it was the best $1000 i've ever spent.

i've been pretty much here, in my computer chair, doing computer stuff all day and listening to music. where have the days gone? i haven't left the house in a couple days. one of my goals for the week was to get some clothes bags together though and i've been working on that...very slowly. i've actually got 4 plastic bags full of clothes so far. i want to pare it down even more. what i realized while traveling is that i live in a world of excess. it's not just me but all i need to change is myself, i'm not worried about others right now.
we took a lot of buses through small towns and saw people living in probably 10x10 cement buildings with dirt floors. while i'm not gonna go that far i know that i don't want to live in a big house. i live in a room right now, it's probably about 8x13 or so. pretty small but it's just me and i've got a living room, bathroom, basement, and kitchen also in the house. whole families were living in these tiny rooms and that was it. plus they have lots of kids there, who knows where everyone slept.

another thing was that i did not travel with that much clothes:
-2 tank tops
-2 t-shirts
-black, collared short sleeve shirt
-green, no collared short sleeve shirt
-collared long sleeve shirt
-long sleeve linen shirt
-swim suit
-3 shorts/capris (gray, green, khaki)
-fleece
-rain jacket
-hat
-chaco sandals
-merrell waterproof shoes!
-rubber slippers
-3 undies and socks

some things i was able to just wash and hang up to dry. we did laundry i think 3 times, about once a week. although it was kind of tiring to wear the same things, i did mix and match them so i had some variety. so what i learned about that was i have WAY TOO MUCH CLOTHES! i barely wear things and other things i wear to death. while i'm not throwing out my whole closet, i do want to simplify it a bit. no one really needs 50 t-shirts right? especially ones with the same design...you get a new shirt on every dodgeball team, so i have a zillion shirt that say "recess time sports" on it, in many colors. i'm not gonna wear that anywhere but dodgeball really so into a plastic bag they went. if someone gives me a shirt, i try to wear it and keep it. really, i should only wear things i really like and that fit well but i'll hold onto things that people gave me that don't even fit...just in case. don't wanna hurt any feelings. i've also got a million orange/OSU shirts from athletic training days. i probably don't need them ALL.

so what i do is every hour or so, i get off my butt and do a little bit of cleaning/organizing/purging at a time. then i watch a movie or tv show online, or make some spaghetti. i am just enjoying the last days of my freedom i guess. tomorrow i am actually leaving the house to hang out with family friends then watch some dodgeball. go me!

i am also trying not to go grocery shopping, yet. the thing is, everyone has a pantry right? so you stock up on things when they go on sale and what not. well, do you ever really use everything? no. i tend to go through certain things and then some things just stay there. so now i'm trying to eat everything here before i go shopping. i will probably have to buy some things like fruits/veggies but i've got spaghetti, beans, rice, tomatoes, noodles, ramen, curry, miso soup, applesauce (my grandma sent me a care pkg full of little cups of applesauce), instant oatmeal, chili, soup, salsa, tofu, mac&cheese, crackers, frozen veggies and PB. i think i could live for quite awhile on those things.

#79 - almost there

it's been about a month since i made my decision for lent. it was to not buy anything until lent is over, which is on easter. i've got two weeks to go and still haven't bought anything. it's amazing. i haven't broken myself yet because i still see things and think "oh well when lent is over i can buy it". not that i need it but it's cool. i guess the only thing i really NEED is an ipod. you may say "that is silly, if you've gone this long without it then maybe you don't need it" but i do. so now since i've set my budget and have been living with it for a couple months, i know i can do it. i have a line for misc. which i set at $25 and groceries at $200 but i don't think i spent that much for each. so, with whatever i don't spend on whatever i've budgeted i can save towards the ipod. it's gonna be a hard choice but i'm leaning towards the classic. this is how financial responsibility is supposed to work. you want something, save for it and buy. i had become pretty careless and skipped that whole middle part of saving. credit cards are evil like that.

i went to REI yesterday with a friend to shop for a backpack. the proof that i actually have become a better shopper is that my REI member refund was only $7 this year, as opposed to over $100 in years past. this refund, if you aren't in the know, is a percentage of everything you buy at REI. so depending on the item you get up to 10% refund. so just imagine how much i bought there. anyway, yesterday i was there looking around. i have this big trip coming up and know i'll need a few things for my travels. REI is the place to go for this. it's not a good place to go when you have money to spend! i ended up looking at clothes, which is normally very dangerous. so i went looking all around for nice things and decided to try them on, thinking i could make a list of wish items and ask for stuff for my birthday.

this time it was not dangerous at all. i knew i would not be buying anything. also, none of the clothes fit! i'm not one of those girls obsessed with her weight or anything but seriously, sizes that normally would fit me - didn't! so basically i came out very depressed. (if i had found even one thing i liked that fit and bought it i would've felt great, retail therapy) i know, sad. only goes to show my need for this whole lent and giving up shopping thing. i might just extend it another month. supposedly after 21 days it becomes a habit. not so, still really have the urge.

really though, what makes me want to buy so much crap? i have enough. i have more than enough and yet i want to buy more. it's really just sick. tragically, i am a materialistic ugly american afterall. STOP IT! all choices you make in life in the simplest way either make life better or worse. having more stuff does not make life better, so it must make it worse. spending money needlessly does not make life better. needing to spend money to feel better -- ultimately makes life worse. two things: get rid of stuff i don't need. don't buy anymore crap. easy! i can do it.

two more weeks till easter.

#64 - lent

the 40 days before easter is called lent. people fast and give up things to prepare themselves spiritually for easter celebration. lots of people do more praying and what not. for me it has nothing to do with religion. it kind of should but it's just a personal thing instead. when i was in college my friend ALQ asked if i wanted to give up something for lent. she's catholic and i went with her to mass a couple times. it wasn't for me but i wanted to do lent. we gave up eating fast food. it was surprisingly easy and ever since i haven't been a big fast food eater. they say it takes 21 days to make a habit. so lent is above and beyond that. i've also given up meat for it before, which was pretty easy at the time.

this year i thought about meat again just cause it would be good. but i don't really eat much meat in the first place. once i set my mind to something it will get done. why i need an excuse like lent to get something done, i don't know. so i've decided to give up SHOPPING. i am a bit of an emotional shopper and also very spontaneous. i am lucky to have a job and be able to buy whatever junks i want, even if i shouldn't. there is this site called steep and cheep and they have stuff on sale all the time. it changes once they sell out of an item, but it's easy to sit there all day watching it and buy stuff.

on top of my lofty goals with my budget, this will be just another thing. i've been spending above my means so this will kind of keep me in check. hopefully i'll continue the habit beyond easter. it will be a challenge but at the same time, i have enough and don't need more. save my money for something worthwhile. i don't need another t-shirt or pair of shoes.

the way i decided on this was one of my residents had a sweatshirt that said "simplify, simplify", a quote from thoreau. so i got on the idea of simplifying my life and buying less, which i've always thought would be a step in the right direction. for some reason i've not allowed myself to. i guess comforts of having stuff. we are consumers. we were brought up as such. also the capitalistic society we live in...it's hard to break away. i was also talking to one of my co-workers about just living on a farm in the future. i could totally see myself doing that. land, horses, dogs, a garden, goats, berries. BUT in order to get that, one needs to work for awhile. you might as well work in something positive.

so i will not buy anything except food until easter.