#101 - babies

last night i watched juno. i really enjoyed the dialogue, plot and music. very enjoyable movie. here is the trailer, basically its about a teenager who gets knocked up and has to make decisions on what to do with the baby. enter a couple interested in adopting and the wife vanessa, played by jennifer garner.

vanessa talks about how she feels she was born to have babies and be a mom. unfortunately for whatever reason, her and her husband have been trying for 5 years and couldn't get pregnant. her one goal in life is to be a mom. i think that's weird. i've met a lot of people who are like this actually and had a casual lunch conversation about wanting babies today. a few of my former nursing school classmates are always talking about getting done with school and immediately having kids. this is something that people plan and that's great, but it's weird to me. one reason being they are good students and will probably make great nurses, yet all they want to do is have babies and play mommy. why not just drop out of school and get busy now?

sure the idea of success by most of society is being married, having a house, car, kids, stuff and pets. but why? i think a lot of women want babies, and are obsessed over it. i've never felt this way but i'm sure at some point i will cause it probably has to do with maturity, hormones and possibly being married. it's only natural, the whole biological passing on of superior seed and what not. my parents had me when they were in their mid-twenties. i am there right now and cannot imagine having babies right now. i am a little too busy with my selfish life: fun, dodgeball and friends. i am still at the stage of my life where i can't give up everything (not even a little) that i love for a kid, even though i know it would be a wonderfully rewarding thing.

maybe i am also a little afraid. afraid that the baby will be hideous (think seinfeld) or have three eyeballs. everyone wants a perfect baby but there is so much that can go wrong. taking medical-type classes i can understand and see how many of the diseases starts off just by having bad genes, then add in environmental factors and other random things and you've got trouble. how could i handle a weird or sick baby? one that you've carried around for 9 months, having to eat right and take lots of vitamins. no partying, drinking, smoking, raw fish (not that i really eat it), wearing weird clothes, bloating, incontinence, a big belly and weird cravings. that's dedication/love.

babies and kids actually are fun and interesting. i think my fear has more to do with the child as a clean slate with nothing but genetic material and potential. i don't want to ruin their life! what kind of future they will have depends on so many things, but a lot to do with how you raise them. people do it all the time with no idea at first but get it right somehow. others, not so much. they say your kids end up being so many times worse than you. now there is a scary thought! i've always thought i'd have a couple kids, it's just one of those things...like going to college or getting a job. it's what normal people do. i don't know what it takes to raise a kid but i can certainly appreciate it. giving up everything for a kid who becomes all you need or love in life.

#100 - random reflections

a hundred is a time for reflection. i started this baby in october, mostly cause i was bored or needed distraction. it has been a place to post pictures and videos i like, a place to share my thoughts, think out loud and just express myself. it's been about 7 months of blogging and i've been enjoying life for the most part. i posted a reflection on last year then one on 2008 and what i expected and looked forward to this year. reflections and expectations.

lately i've been very socially active through pseudo physical activity. yes, i'm talking about dodgeball. i've been playing since fall in the recess time league, 48 teams, hundreds of new friends, fun times for all. my friend and i made a goal of meeting one new person a week and with dedication to our cause have gone above and beyond! i would say i am not a really outgoing person. yes, i like to have a good time. yes, i enjoy people. but i don't just go up to random people and talk to them. in dodgeball it's pretty easy cause you've got at least a few things you could say. how was your game? what team you play on? how long you been playing? etc. an hour later you are best friends. we've been closing the bar for the past two seasons and it really is great. the same people end up at the bar late at night every week. one such friend came to me asking if i wanted to try another league. so he made this team, the mother chukars. we joined the underdog league, an 11 team new-ish league. while the level of competition is not quite the same, it is new and fun. of course we're still closing down the bar but i've met a handful of great friends through this league. it's like we've been friends forever!there really is nothing i look forward to more than dodgeball. sometimes i think this is silly and when i say it out loud it sounds silly. that's life and that's me, i'm silly. maybe it's the lack of sleep lately, or perhaps lack of good nutrition. i've been lacking motivation to even go to the gym. i used to go to the gym everyday and workout for an hour easily. now i can't even go for 45 minutes without being bored, but i can play dodgeball for 3 hours. i am really obsessed.

that's what it takes to become good. obsession and dedication. i was watching the nfl draft yesterday. to make it to the league you need to commit your life to it because it's gonna make you millions of dollars. eat right and train with the best. teams try to pick up the players they think have potential to be great players at that high level. they measure their 40 times, vertical leap, bench press and other drills. they do physical and mental exams on everyone. they watch film, interview coaches, trainers and other people in the know. they do all this but still, it's not guaranteed. the biggest example of a draft flop is probably ryan leaf (older brother of duck brady leaf) who was selected in the first round of the draft and later went on to suck. he was a great college quarterback at washington state but just didn't have what it takes to succeed at the next level. no one knows. that's why there are also those players who get selected low and become hall of famers, like tom brady who was a 6th round pick or joe montana (3rd).

#99 - be good

i watched a couple episodes of house MD last night. it's one of my favorite tv shows, i tend to like medical-type shows a lot. well basically it was about this punk guy who didn't care if he died. this post doesn't have much to do about the actual story line though. dr house is great because he says what he wants, he means it, and is usually right. people hate him because they think he's a jerk. or they believe doctors shouldn't be like that. if my doctor was like that i would be very happy because even if i may not like the truth, he will give it to me. he actually does care for his patients in his own way. so this punk guy is in a band and house is talking to him about his music, which sucks apparently. he says to the kid:

be good, get good or give up.

i thought about that quote for about 2 seconds before i totally realized that could be my mantra.

i don't like to give up. i think i would actually add one thing in there that has to do with fun. "be good, get good, have fun or give up." i love to try new things and at first, if i am not good but like it, i tend to stick to it. if i am not good and it's no fun i say, what's the use?! why waste your time on something you aren't good at or enjoy?

example #1: snowboarding
most people have the same experience the first time they go snowboarding. you spend all day on your ass. no matter how athletic you are or how many videos you've seen, you can't be good at snowboarding on the first try. at least no one i know. even if you take lessons, it's hard to get used to. first of all you're standing all sideways. then there is the snow, which is cold and hard when you land on it. for some reason though, i had a good time. i had fun. so i stuck to it and eventually grew to love it. while i haven't been for years, it's still something i enjoy. it would probably be like that first day all over again if i were to go today!

example #2: golfing
my friend taught me to golf when we were in college. i had always looked at golf as a stupid sport that was boring. how could a game so slow be fun? my dad had been trying to get me out golfing my whole life pretty much but i refused. what was i thinking?! the first time i went was in corvallis at trysting tree. i don't remember what the score was or if i played 9 or 18. all i remember is that i thought "wow that was actually really fun!" i was hooked. i moved back home and told my dad i was interested in golfing. he jumped at the suggestion, bought me some clubs and we went out to play. i am not a morning person but my dad and i would leave the house at 5 or so to make a one hour drive out to our favorite 9-hole. it's a muni course so usually not crowded. why'd we go so early? well we got there before they opened, played 9, checked in and paid, then played another. so every time i go home my dad and i try to golf a round or two. it's a great time together and i've improved too. the competitive nature in me definitely lends to the "get good" part. i've beaten my dad once. it was an off game for him, but i played well and so it counts. my goal is to break 100. since i don't play consistently, it might take me awhile to get there. i can't wait till i can afford to golf (time and money) more often and actually get good.

example #3: dodgeball
did you know this was coming? i just started playing dodgeball last fall. it is something i instantly loved and was pretty good at. the fact that its highly social and also physical is a bonus. i started out just on two teams, and maybe going to open gym every other week. now i am to the point where i am on...four teams, and go to open gym twice a week. that's a lot of dodgeball. but i totally love it and am getting better at it. there are so many little skills to improve on, many better players and much to learn. i have a little saying for myself - "elevate your game". it is something i probably picked up while working football at osu but it is a good one. every time i try to go out there and do better.

so three examples in my life of how this quote works in sports but it could be applied to anything. i don't think anyone can say they have become the best at anything. even if you are #1, there are places you could improve. this goes for everyone and everything. why be content with where you are at? get better at things, become a better person, do more (oh yes it's earth day folks) but at the same time ENJOY LIFE!

#98 - see the world

i saw this video yesterday and now can't stop watching it! it's a wonderful little video and song, very uplifting. the lyrics are very simple yet what a great meaning. to me it's about self-discovery through travel. the words "see the world" kind of give it away. haha seriously though, travel changes you. experiencing new things and meeting people from other cultures really knocks you down. you think you know things, and then learn that you don't. i just love the white shoes walking through the video and the first-person experience. it really feels like i am experiencing things through the eyes of this gomez.

while everyone in the world is different and has a lot to share/give/take, we still are the same. we love to eat, drink, laugh and play. there are an endless amount of things you can see and experience in the world. endless exploring - other people, languages, food, culture, attractions, sights, sounds, and ideas. ideas like SIESTA, what an awesome idea!

You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

every experience shapes you in some way, travel certainly one way. but also, you make decisions/choices everyday. what are you waiting for? it's your life: live it, enjoy it, don't fight it and don't delay. you don't need to figure it all out now but you have to go out and give it a try at least.

#97 - ani difranco

i've been an ani difranco fan for awhile now, first heard her in college and pretty much got my hands on every album i could. to date she has more than 20 albums released (17 studio and 14 live, plus a few EPs). her music could be best described as folk but really it's not easy to categorize her. she plays the guitar with lots of energy, a lot of finger picking and very rhythmical. her singing is a lot of poetry/verse. a lot of her music has a message, taking from her experiences and background as a "feminist". a list of her released albums, released on her record label, righteous babe records:

• Ani DiFranco (1990)
• Not So Soft (1991)
• Imperfectly (1992)
• Puddle Dive (1993)
• Like I Said: Songs 1990-91[33] (1993)
• Out of Range (1994)
• Not a Pretty Girl (1995)
• Dilate (1996)
• Living in Clip live (1997)
• Little Plastic Castle (1998)
• Up Up Up Up Up Up (1999)
• To the Teeth (1999)
• Revelling/Reckoning (2001)
• Evolve (2003)
• Educated Guess (2004)
• Knuckle Down (2005)
• Reprieve (2006)
• Canon (2007)

so i finally got to see her perform! she came to portland on friday, and played the crystal ballroom. it was a sold out show and i'm sure many people had already seen her, but it was my first time. i have no idea who opened the show cause we showed up an hour late. it was perfect timing though because after going to the bathroom and finding a place to stand, out she came! it was so exciting! even if i couldn't really see her (other than between people's heads, standing on my tip toes) it was a great live performance. you could tell she loves performing and has been doing it forever. there was no photography and video so i don't have any shots, but here is a performance on the leno show.

her latest album, canon, is a retrospective two-disc album of over 30 songs. some songs that i would recommend are "32 flavors" (probably most popular song), "both hands", "napolean", "untouchable face", "not a pretty girl", "little plastic castle", "gravel" and "as is". really listen to her lyrics, they are wonderfully smart and send a good message. i don't really know a lot of her new music but enjoyed what i heard the other night. she is definitely a legend, didn't need a big label or media to become one. she has been doing this for almost 20 years and has a huge fan base by just being a great singer/songwriter. it was a great show!

#96 - salad

i am not a big fan of salad, yet i eat it every night for dinner. there are two kinds of salad: the kind with mostly lettuce and fancy dressing, and the kind that i make. lettuce is not my favorite thing, yet i put some into my salad. it's just boring and i don't really like eating cold food in the first place. i am not so sure how i got started with salads for dinner. perhaps it was because i knew i should eat more salad and raw veggies. perhaps. i tried eating them for lunch but it wasn't filling enough and i was hungry soon after. plus it didn't give me much energy. dinner is a time when i can easily eat too much, if the food is in front of me. the problem/solution is salad, it's not filling so i eat a whole big bowl of it.
my salads vary from day to day, depending on my mood and what was on sale at the store. i always include a little bit of lettuce and lots of cabbage. the rest, includes but is not limited to the following:

• carrots (shredded!)
• kalamata olives
• cheese - mostly parmesan, but i also like feta and pepper jack
• radishes
• avocado (when i can afford it!)
• protein - beans (black, garbanzo, edamame), grilled meat (chicken or steak)
• corn
• roasted red peppers
• bell peppers
• poached egg
• tomatoes
• roasted beets

it's usually lettuce, cabbage and 3 other things. i like a lot of substance to my salads but i like to keep it simple. makes me think i'm eating more than lettuce, which is basically water. so then on to dressing.

i've never really been a huge fan of dressing. i do enjoy the japanese-style dressings you get at japanese restaurants. i guess it's ginger based? i dunno but i like it. i've had many dressings that i enjoy like sam choy's oriental, green goddess, and sometimes ranch. at home, i stick with simplicity. oil and vinegar. i've got a few different oils that i use: olive oil, flax oil (omega FA!), macadamia nut oils (from my sister), sesame oil, and chili oil. i don't use them all, if anything i'll mix two. for vinegar i use red wine vinegar (for something light), balsamic vinegar (for a more rich flavor) or rice vinegar (for an asian style). and really the most important part i think is salt and pepper. you have to put the right amount. salt livens up the flavors you have and pepper adds a little kick.

sometimes i make a seaweed salad instead. i've got some dried wakame that i just reconstitute for 5 minutes in cold water. i chop up some carrots, cucumber and daikon if i have it, drain the wakame, throw it all together with some sushi vinegar and a teensy bit of sesame oil, let it sit for a bit and then eat it. it's wonderfully fresh and easy. sometimes you just want to eat seaweed!

#95 - spring, then summer

it's the middle of april (yes, i did my taxes) and so it's spring. it's been spring for a month now, but what does that really mean? to me, lots of things - flowers for one! they are everywhere! one of my favorite trees is the cherry blossom, or sakura. portland is a great place to grow them i guess because they are everywhere. i love it. while i may not be a girly girl, i love my share of pretty flowers. one of my big projects in the past years was to take photos of flowers and make them into cards. i give a whole set to my mom and grandma for mother's day. last year i gave one to each of the moms in my nursing class (i didn't do anything for the dads, oops). i could sell them but that would be just too much work.

another thing is erratic, spontaneous, unpredictable and crazy weather. as of this moment, the temperature is 38F. i had to wear a sweatshirt and a coat out tonight. it rained this morning and throughout the day. yesterday was in the 50s. this past weekend got up into the high 70s and was just gorgeous. i sat out on the porch studying, in shorts and t-shirt. it was on the verge of hot. couple weeks ago it snowed/hailed a little. and of course rain here and there and everywhere. it is bizarre but at the same time i love it. it's telling me enjoy this weather now cause once summer hits it's gonna be hot for awhile. i'm not a hot weather person (thus the move to oregon). it doesn't help that i'll be traveling to mexico and guatemala during the summer. i start sweating thinking about it! april showers bring may flowers. but what do may flowers bring?
pilgrims! hahaha my attempt at humor. sad really. there are actually a few things i enjoy about summer: bbq & cocktails/beer, beer festivals, wearing chacos, going to the river (which is strangely still ice cold), abundance of tomatoes & basil, berry picking, no school (sort of), vacation, usually a trip to hawaii, obon, my birthday (duh), kickball and relaxing. while i'm thinking about all the wonderful things i'll be doing this summer, i will enjoy SPRING now and all it has to offer.

#94 - spanish (español)

going to mexico and guatamala - must learn spanish! i'm taking a spanish conversation class at the community college and it's a non-credit night class. my teacher is this little lady from colombia who is just hilarious! she makes me actually want to leave my house to go learn spanish on monday nights. i've been knowing i need to learn spanish for awhile now. i got books at the library, cds and musical spanish. so far i've just...procrastinated! surprise! so i'm leaving in less than 3 months and need to know things. here is one reason i love youtube.

totally ridiculous. i am learning a lot in my class but i know the moment i need to actually speak to a mexican person, who's talking way too fast, i won't be able to come up with anything smart to say. i've heard that people appreciate when you try to speak their language, rather than assuming they speak english. so many people actually know spanish though, and well. i cheated myself when i took japanese in high school. what a slacker! i already knew japanese and there i was, in class for the easy A. there are lots of things i would do over in high school but oh well. now it's gonna be harder to learn cause i've lost so many brain cells. i blame dodgeball. we'll see.

#93 - nikita

my dog nikita is the smartest one i know. he can do all these different tricks, or at least used to. we got him on easter, 14 or 15 years ago from my mom's friend out in nanakuli. we went there to see her litter or 5 or so baby chihuahua-terriers. we were playing with them and they were so cute! i really liked the runt. after an hour or so of playing, my mom said "this one is yours!", giving us a cute little white puppy (not the runt). reina and i were so surprised and excited! we had never had a dog before and this one was so cute! he was a total puppy with so much energy. we didn't know much about taking care of him but we immediately loved everything about him. that night i slept with him on the floor of the bathroom. i'm sure he was scared so i cuddled him close to me. i named him after a character in a movie starring one of my favorite actors, river phoenix. he was the son of kgb agent parents and his name was nikita. i thought it was a great name and he seemed to like it too.

through the years he learned many tricks. he was a very well behaved dog, even though in those puppy years he was crazy and ran through the house a lot. he chewed things. he ate things. he ruined things. he ruined me, for the better. even though he was the one we had to feed, bathe, walk and take care of, he was the one who took care of us. when i had a problem or issue i would talk to niki. he always listened and no matter what he would give you kisses. he loved going places, especially maui, where he has been for the past several years. he and my grandpa spent a lot of time together. they would sit out in the yard under the cherry tree and just hang out. when my grandpa had a stroke he said niki acted strange. he knew what was happening i think. even so, niki was there for him. my grandpa got better and niki was there for my uncle and grandma as well. he was always there, waiting for you to come home, wagging his tail and waiting for butt scratches. he LOVED it.

we found out last year that he had a heart murmur, which is pretty common in chihuahuas apparently. they weren't too concerned about it and told us a couple things to look for: mostly getting tired quicker and short of breath. well it's come to that point. he kind of stopped eating, so the vet said to feed him anything that he WILL eat. the other day that was part of a manapua! yum. he's been short of breath and just acting different. my mom went over to maui to take him to the vet and they took an xray and gave him a shot. he's got congestive heart failure and i think some fluid in his lungs. the shot made him a little better but it's clear that he won't get too much better. the last time i was home and saw niki was february when i went home for a funeral. i've been saying bye to niki for a couple trips now but this time i knew it probably was the last. he's been getting deaf and blind for awhile and slowing down. i guess it happens when you are 90 or so. he was still very happy and loved his butt scratches. i did a lot of yard work and niki would just sit and watch me. my last project was painting this house for him. my grandparents bought this new recliner and it came in this big box. so i added some pizzazz to it. niki loved it and kept sitting by it. he's always so smiley in his pictures and i'm glad he's happy. he's made our family happier and when the time comes, as i know it will, we will only have pictures and memories (and the big box).

my mom talked to the vet about when to know to put him down and stuff like that. when it comes to the point where he's in too much pain or can't enjoy life, it's time to think about it. although he was having trouble breathing, he still seems to have life. he was wagging his tail. it's so hard not to be there to cuddle him again like i did that first night on the bathroom floor. he must know his time will come eventually. i really hope he goes in his sleep, i don't want my mom to have to make that decision ever. she's been through a lot of deaths in the past few months and this hopefully will be the last for awhile. he's had a great long life and so when the time comes, it comes. i've said my goodbye and gave him kisses. what more can you do?

#92 - i've got tickets

i did it, i bought them today - round trip tickets to cancun in july! so here is the plan, leave on july 1 and return july 25. since it's a RT to cancun i will be spending probably a night or two there, separated by a nice trip by bus around yucatan mexico and guatemala. cancun is party central but i will mostly likely not dive into the party scene. i'll be there for cultural experiences, not shmoosing with other americans!

loose itinerary (as of this moment):

• arrive midnight july 2, find a way to bus terminal, wait around until there is a bus to merida
• spend a couple days in merida, see my friend jose
• valladolid and chitchen itza - mayan ruins: temples and pyramids
• isla mujeres, a caribbean island northeast of cancun where you go around on golf carts
• south to chetumal
• across border to guatemala - flores/tikal - more ruins, plus beautiful lake peten
• coban, trip to lanquin and semuc champney - a series of ponds and pools
• from there to lago de atitlan, a lake surrounded by volcanoes - different towns/villages around the lake - panajachel, santiago, san pedro, seeing some sunrises/sunsets on the lake
• chichicastenango for the sunday market - biggest market, locals with crafts, produce and food
• experience antigua - spanish colonial city, some volcanoes
• fly back to cancun to catch flight back to portland

so i've got about 23 days of travel. i'm taking a spanish conversation class but i doubt it'll do me any good. they'll probably be talking so fast i won't know what's going on! in addition to that, a lot of the guatemalan and yucatan population is mayan so they speak in one of twenty-plus mayan languages. many don't speak spanish, let alone english.

i have no idea how i'm gonna pull off all these bus trips and getting around. how am i going to see everything i want to in three weeks?! there are a ton of things i need but don't want to take too much. i gotta get some immunizations and anti-malarial pills. mosquito nets. traveler's checks. there are so many things to plan. planning is part of the fun! anticipation and excitement...but reading stories and looking at pictures are nothing compared to true experiences. i will definitely write a travel blog when i go. and take lots of pictures of course.

but i've got tickets. i am going!

#91 - mason jennings

i am a huge fan of mason jennings, i've got all his albums and think he's genius. i listen to his music almost everyday and it is both inspiring and soothing. most of his music is mostly very mellow but there is the occasional fast-paced song. i'd characterize his music as folk and it's very catchy. he has been around for about ten years and released six albums on several different labels.

• mason jennings (1998)
• birds flying away (2000)
• simple life (2002)
• century spring (2002)
• use your voice (2004)
• boneclouds (2006)
• in the ever (may 2008)

now he is signed to jack johnson's brushfire label and has a new album coming out next month! they've been friends for awhile and that's actually how i came to find him. i was reading about jack johnson's favorite artists and he mentioned mason. i gave him a quick listen and was soon finding all his albums and playing them non-stop. he's got a unique way of singing and phrasing but also writes powerful, fun songs.

mason was actually born in hawaii but moved away at an early age. he settled as an adult in minneapolis, minnesota and began making music. i've seen him play in portland at the aladdin theater and he rocked the house! i was expecting more of his mellow songs but he brought out the folk ROCK. i recently found out he's playing here again next month.

this one will be at the roseland and it's actually brett dennen headlining. brett dennen is a folky singer from cali. he's released two albums of which i have one, so much more (2006). it's a great album and he's got this sweet, soft kind of feminine voice that actually works. his song "ain't no reason" is the best. it's got a good tune about life. have a listen!

the third act that will be playing is missy higgins. who?! i hadn't heard of her either but in listening to her stuff, i'm very interested. she's got a great voice and impressed me with her music. she's from australia and has released two albums. i haven't yet got those but am definitely thinking about it. she's got that warm, kind of breathy voice, kind of sarah mclachlan and fiona apple put together when singing ballads, although reminds me more of alanis morrisette on the faster songs.



the show will be on may 16th at the roseland. tickets were only $20!! i'm super excited and really cannot wait. it's going to be a great show, i can already tell.

#90 - myself

reading my blog from yesterday and then finishing my book eat, pray, love, i realized (again) that i am everywhere. not in the same idea as "God is everywhere" but i am all over the place mentally. on one side i've got crazy, bitter, resentful, angry, frustrated, embarrassed nursing student. on the other i've got calm, stress-free, life-living, soul-searching, caring student of life trying to make a difference in this world.

i got this little blurb out of the book: the bhagavad gita says "it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection." i've read the gita and must read it again. that's wisdom and sage advice. i believe your twenties are really about trying to figure things out and coming to terms with the person you are, the person you want to be and the person you are becoming. these three people are (at the moment) not one and the same. for some people they are and others it takes longer. it's important to me to continually think about this. that way i've got accountability for myself (present and future).

at the end and start of every month i do a little thinking/analyzing about how the past month was and what i want out of the next one. a little check and re-check. what did i accomplish last month and what do i want to accomplish next? in the book, she writes that in bali common greetings are "where are you going?" and "where are you coming from?"

so where was i last month?
i was enjoying the last of my extended break from school. i went out a lot, hung out with friends, ate food, met people, stayed out late and basically paid for it in the end when i got a flu-like sickness. i slept for 14 hours the other day cause i was so exhausted. it's good to get it out of my system, the craziness. that is not to say there won't be some fun and crazy times this month, but they will be few and far between. i gave up shopping for lent and that worked out well, still haven't bought anything. and if anything, it's taught me to really think about things that i need. for example, my ipod that died. i have a shuffle and right now that is working out just fine for me. it's a little annoying when on a ride of longer than an hour because by then i want to listen to something other than one of the 250 songs that can fit. but lent has been over for a week and i haven't rushed out and bought my ipod (leaning towards the classic). i have to think about other things that i really need. i've got a trip coming up and need/want a few things for it. not even going to risk taking my ipod so i'll buy it when i get back, if i have any money left.

where am i going this month?
my main focus will be on school. i have the one class - pathophysiology. i will be a superstar and i will know things. i will study hard and i will do well. at the same time, i need to deal with my angry/bitter side by throwing dodgeballs at people. so i will be playing lots of dodgeball. i'm also going to be working a few times a week. so school, work and dodgeball. so out of 168 hours a week:

• 56 hours sleeping (8 hours a day, average)
• 24 hours working
• 12 hours AT SCHOOL on mondays
• 6 hours playing dodgeball

that leaves 70 hours to study, make food, eat, workout, procrastinate, get ready, go places, free time. that may seem like a lot...but it's not.

while i'm always thinking about the person i want to become and my future self, i often feel i need to focus more on the now, the present.

no day but today -rent

i neglect the now self. the only way to truly appreciate life is to embrace that self, no matter how flawed or wrong it feels. embracing it doesn't mean being content. you've got to love yourself first! i've never believed that contentment is a good thing. i don't mean contentment of material possessions (this is good), but always trying to be better. becoming a better person. no one is, was or ever will be perfect. some would argue that if you're always trying for something else you'll never appreciate what you have. i would have to disagree and say that being content with what you have will make you complacent and lax. it would me anyway. i appreciate everything i have, whether it was given to me or i have earned it. it doesn't mean i don't want to better myself. i do.