#182 - pseudo summer

right now, portland is gorgeous! the sun is shining and it is warm. it's getting a little too warm for me but i know it will go away soon. we are being teased by the weather gods, as usual. i am totally okay with that. i don't even want summer yet. it's still april. i want a few months of nice cool sunny weather, in the 50-60's preferably. i am not ready to break out the tank tops and sunscreen. i got cheated out of a normal winter of endless days of rain. we had all kinds of weird stuff like snow, hail and sun. i don't want to be cheated out of a rainy, cool spring with little breaks of sunny days.

all that being said, i've enjoyed the last couple days of nice weather. i took time off for my sanity. i did nothing. i laid in a hammock. i went on a hike. i sat in the sun. i slept in. these are all things that needed to be done, i was going nuts-o. i have a hard time just relaxing. there always has to be something being done, even if it is as simple as changing my fb status. usually i am doing two things at once (like writing a blog and resume at the same time). i feel like i am using my time better but i know that is not true. doing laundry AND dishes AND listening to music AND preparing lunch. there just does not seem to be enough time to do everything i need/want to. where does all that time go? i have been keeping a time log and i notice much of my time goes to waiting or riding the bus, at least 2 hours a day. it seems like a waste but i use it to read a lot. when i do too much it makes me less present.

thinking about summer, i can tell this will be an awesome one! while i do not look forward to certain things, i know they will turn out ok. i already have two little trips planned and i want to do more. if and when i survive the next 50-odd days i will be free!! i will no longer have school, classes, homework, clinicals, etc. of course there will be the job search, interviews, possibly moving houses, and then work. but with 12-hour shifts at the hospital and only needing to work 3 days a week...that just sounds so sweet! i'm thinking of day trips out to the coast, weekend trips, rivers, lakes, fun, food, friends and being outside. all of what i moved to oregon for. one of the reasons i want a rainy spring is so that i stay on track and not get caught up in the nice weather too much, it makes me want to only do fun things and forget all my responsibilities.

#181 - housing situation

once again i am thinking about moving. my 6-month lease is up on may 5. my landlord wanted me to sign a one-year lease once this one was up, so she wouldn't have to look for a tenant in november again. i am not quite ready to move, don't have time to look for places, and don't have money to put down for deposits. so i want to propose a 3-month lease (which would be done august, which is perfect for moving) or a month-to-month deal. she is kind of old and i could see where she would be unwilling to budge, but it is also a good idea on my part. the biggest problem is that she is somewhere far away in her RV without a cell phone, until may. i'm assuming she's coming back to take care of my lease and/or moving. i wasn't able to talk to her and so i don't know what to do. she didn't even tell me she was going on this trip in the first place. lame. so i inteded to talk to her before a 30-day notice would be appropriate. i called her, she was not there. does this mean she doesn't need 30 days notice?

i hate the physical and mental strain of moving. i hate putting all my crap (it's mostly crap) into boxes and shuttling them from one temporary place to another. i knew moving in that this place would not be my last, mostly because it's got no "real" kitchen. that bothers me but for now i deal with it because it's a good deal. eventually i want to live in a place that feels like HOME and that i will not think of as temporary. for the last 4 years that i've lived in portland i think i've lived in 7 or 8 places. my mom hates it because she has to change her address book so much. i don't do it on purpose but certain places just get old after awhile. call it what you want. i get antsy after awhile.

also i want a dog. i can't have one at my current place. :(

thinking of moving always makes me think of simplifying. i have way too much stuff, yet i really don't have much. it's all junk. if i died and there was an estate sale (or even a yard sale), there would be nothing of interest. i've got too much stuff yet nothing sellable. i probably couldn't even give my things away. there are two boxes full of junk headed for goodwill, probably is, they have been parked there in the corner for almost 6 months now, since i moved in. how lame am i? it's mostly clothes i don't seem to want/need/like anymore. i don't even like fashion so why do i have all these clothes?! ridiculous.

#180 - overwhelmed

i am in my last term of nursing school. 10 weeks until graduation. a few months away from taking my NCLEX exam and becoming an RN, leaving professional poo-cleaning behind me. 71 days until our "pinning ceremony" which is a special nursing thing, like graduation. the problem is...in those 71 days i will be busy, very busy. these are concerns i just learned about today. you don't have to read or understand, it's for me to freak out about.

clinical hours 150 hours in the hospital doing patient care, my favorite part about school. i'll be doing thirteen 12-hour shifts.

work someone's gotta pay for rent and school. so i've got to find work hours here and there. boo. my goal is 2-3 shifts a week.

resume, cover letter, portfolio self-explanatory i guess but i have to get together all these documents i was supposed to be saving over the past 2 years and put them neatly in a fancy folder for my portfolio. i'll have to raise them from the dead/recycling.

NCLEX practice questions and medspub tutorial busywork. 200 practice questions and 2.5 hours of tutorial are due every 2 weeks. if it takes about 1 minute per question, that's 200 minutes. so 1400 minutes = almost 24 hours of busy work.

simulation three times this quarter we will be going into the sim room and take care of a dummy, who will most likely code. yuck. this creates a ton of anxiety and is just. not. fun.

ONA convention day-long convention in jantzen beach, listening to speakers and such. 8:30-4:30. BOO!

HESI exam to be taken in third week. must get score of 750 or not allowed to take NCLEX exam.

leadership project at long term care facility. spend 24 hours on various projects with old people, including an in-service for the staff and care conference with a resident.

community project going to a head start program and putting fluoride on bratty little kids' mouths. they are gonna love it.

OSBN and NCLEX fill out a bunch of paperwork, get fingerprints, passport photo, and pay around $400 in various fees. sure, that's chump change considering how much i will be making as a nurse, BUT i am not making that right now. plus i have $1200 in tuition for this quarter.

take and pass NCLEX this will be a month after graduation but it's still there in my mind.

get a job really?!! do i have to?

life i don't think i'll have one of these this term, but i can try. i do have dodgeball every thursday and kickball on sundays. that's about it.

#179 - schedule

it is 3 days into spring term. i still do not know when my clinicals will be. i know who my clinical preceptor is (by name only) and who i will be working with, but my teacher neglected to tell me what days or shift i will be on. so it doesn't really do me any good. so i cannot tell my work what days i am available, which means i won't get as many shifts to work, which i really need. i heard that my preceptor is working the 3-11 shift, which will only make finding shifts at my job harder. UGH!! this isn't really blogging, more like venting. there is nothing i can do to speed up this process and it's basically a waiting game. my teacher isn't really proactive and i can't change that. it's out of my hands, right?! i should just let it go, right?! but i can't. but i need to.

UPDATE: i found out less than an hour about my clinicals! it's cool how i tried to let it go and it righted itself. so i am on the 7am-7pm shift but i still have to meet with my preceptor so we can figure out days that i will be working with her. i have to do this with my teacher as well so hopefully we can get it done soon. now i am in class again, and we are finding out about a zillion other things we are supposed to do this term. it is going to be really busy and i'm not excited about that. basically i will not have much of a life this term. i am not sure i'll be able to get enough shifts at work either. i might have to become a vampire so i don't need sleep. anyone available to bite me?

#178 - let the obsession begin..

i guess i put it off long enough. i'd heard about it and read about it, but i was not ready. or i thought it was silly. but i knew i would become a victim. what the hell am i talking about? ...TWILIGHT! two of my friends had read it, k*spice and nure nezumi. so of course i had to read it. i cannot remember when i had the conversation with my friend about the book but she brought it to me on sunday, i didn't start it that night because i had a feeling i would like it and had to get up early the next morning. i needed to sleep. monday morning i started reading it on my way to work, continued during my lunch break, on the way home from work, heading to the coffee shop, at the coffee shop, on the way home, and at home until i finished it that night. i could not put it down for long. i don't even know what the big draw was. i liked the writing, plot, characters, and of course freakin VAMPIRES!!!

it's basically a high school romance with vampires, i guess. i have always liked but never obsessed about vampires, bram stoker's dracula is one of my favorites but was written long ago. twilight is set in a small town in washington where it rains a lot and is very green. the main character, bella, is a new girl in town who is painfully clumsy. i guess i relate to her in a lot of ways. not to give a lot away but her love interest is a vampire named edward. he is perfect, fluid, talented, amazingly beautiful and did i mention he's a vampire?!

i read the harry potter books in this obsessive fashion and i couldn't put da vinci code down when i started it. i get hooked into books pretty easily i guess. i am a few chapters into new moon (second book of twilight series) but don't want to read it too fast because then i'll be halfway done and in no time i will have no more twilight to read. that makes me sad but i cannot help but just take it all in at once. it's really good!

just one more thing - the movie. i wonder if i should wait until i read them all to watch it. it's playing right now at the kennedy school for $3. how can i resist? i want to know if it's like i pictured. i don't want to be disappointed but i hear it's good as well. i will probably see it next week because i'm just not that good at waiting patiently. i am sure i could get someone to watch it with me but i wouldn't mind going alone too. i feel like i'm always behind the trends. people were reading this last year and seeing the movie when it came out, etc. well at least i am reading it and i will see it soon. better late than never.

#177 - wicked

i just went to see the musical WICKED at keller auditorium in portland. it was awesome! WICKED is based on the novel of the same name, by gregory maguire. it tells the story of the wicked witch of the west from wizard of oz, before and how she became wicked. it's a very creative and interesting idea and gives me a new appreciation for the movie.i read the book maybe 6 months ago, when i learned that the musical was coming to portland. although it's not for everyone, i really enjoyed it. the book is very dark and i wondered how they would make it okay for family audiences. so when i saw it the other day i learned - they changed it a lot. the general plot and story was the same but there were many important changes from the book that i won't go into. i am still trying to figure out if i am okay with those changes. before i went to see WICKED i listened to the soundtrack endlessly and really enjoy all the lyrics and melodies. watching it finally i was able to tie together the songs and it was pretty fun. the acting was awesome as well, i really enjoyed watching the actors.in the original production, idina menzel (RENT) was the main character elphaba. that was one of the draws of WICKED for me, being a huge RENT fan and knowing her voice. although she was not in the traveling group that i saw, she is on the soundtrack.

if you have a chance to go see WICKED, do it! it's a fun musical and story. the costumes were pretty awesome too. i'd totally recommend the book if you are into dark stories that put a twist on what you think you know. it totally gives you empathy into wickedness and you know why she wanted those damn ruby slippers!

#176 - letting go

i have a deep and incessant need to be in control. there are so many things that are actually out of my control. things like weather (damn snow in march!), tides, bus schedules, and what other people do/think. i know i cannot control these things, yet i let them bother me. why can't i just let them go?

i've been listening to a lot of buddhist podcasts and one that really stuck out was "letting go". my mind is a constant chatterbug. it's always going, never ceasing to concoct the latest conspiracy theory or ultimate utopian society. i am always judging things - myself and others. it really drives me nuts. the point of letting go is not to rid yourself of these thoughts but to actually let go of the attachment to them. when i heard that it immediately made sense. in buddhist thought, it is attachment to things that cause suffering. and let me tell you, being attached to my thoughts causes me lots of suffering. i feel crazy sometimes.

judging people is not really a good thing to be practicing. i am trying to do more positive things and less negative, working on my karma! :) it is so hard to rid yourself of those judgements, though. when you are used to one way it is hard to change. it is easy to judge because it somehow makes you feel better. it's like watching jerry springer. the train wrecks they have on there are insane and it only makes you feel "normal" and "good". i am constantly making judgements though. i need to work on immediately letting go if it. i make a judgement then it is gone. ok. i cannot really help what gets into my head but i don't have to leave it there.

another term i like is "letting be". things will be what they are, just let them. you cannot always change the situation but you can let it be, like the song. to me, the song means that the right things will come to us, when it is appropriate. we may want something really bad but it may not be the right time for it. when the universe is ready, we will get it. it may even be a different version of what we thought we wanted. just accept what you have and let it be. we are in control of some things, like what we choose to wear on a given day. but our choices are influenced by things we cannot change, like the weather. i may want to wear my favorite sweater but if it's 100 degrees out, i would not.

i have tried to meditate. it is so hard! my mind just goes and goes, on and on. i try letting go of the thoughts and it takes a lot of energy. people say that meditating gets easier, i hope so. i've been reading a lot too, right now i'm reading a book of dalai lama writings. reading it really makes sense but it is the putting it into practice that is hard. i read something about 10 things to avoid. there are the obvious ones like killing and lying but then there are the more subtle, like idle gossip (i think that goes with right speech). i often speak without thinking and say things i later wish i had rephrased. i involve myself in a lot of idle gossip. and i like celebrity magazines, which is the ultimate idle gossip! it's one of my guilty pleasures.

another thing i think about with letting go is being in the moment. when you can let go of the extraneous thoughts then it may be easier to stay in the moment. you cannot be in the moment without letting go. two of my favorite songs are "let it be" (the beatles) and "be here now" (mason jennings). this is a constant struggle because my mind is always going, therefore i am planning the future and reviewing the past. i am rarely here. it is easy to be off somewhere else but it is better to truly enjoy this moment because in a blink it is gone. when i am totally in the moment i really enjoy myself. and when i am enjoying myself then you know i am in the moment.