#187 - RIP hector

in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (may 24), hector "the projector" passed away. he had been sick for awhile, with his body no longer producing blood cells. he was anemic and perhaps had some kind of doggy leukemia. i don't know and i guess i don't really need to. he is gone, that's all that matters. he was getting blood transfusions a few times a week so that his levels would go up, and it seemed to be doing him good. but he stopped giving kisses a long time ago and just was not himself.while he may not be suffering anymore, it is hard to say he is in a better place because that place is without me. i am without him. i had not seen him in a long time but his picture on my wall is usually one of the last things i see before i go to sleep. the one with the sombrero. he definitely did not like that hat but we made him wear it for the picture.he was one special dog. special in many ways. in my opinion he was one of the sweetest, loving dogs in the world and definitely my favorite after Niki. he gave the smallest, cutest, perfect kisses. never too much tongue and he didn't try to stick it in your mouth. it was just sweet. to me, he was gentle and kind. he wasn't my dog but he was so special to me and will always be.yes, there are those who hector did not warm up to (most people) who mostly got growled at and even a special few who got love bites. it took him awhile to trust i guess. once you earned that, he was yours forever. he is my forever friend.this dog would eat anything but especially liked chicken, which Mike would always have in his truck for hector, his best friend. they always went to work together and hector would run around the house looking for trouble or some blue tape to eat. he loved to eat tape.i remember when hector was just a baby, four short years ago. he was very curious but kind of wary of new things. he was always a cuddler. all i can think about is how much of a lover hector was. it's hard for me to think of going to the coast and hector not being there to greet me. when i go to the beach he won't be there chasing or barking at birds/dogs/people. when i'm lying on the couch he won't be there trying to jump up on it with me. i say "try" because as a small, fat chihuahua he didn't think he could make it up. so usually i would just pick him up and set him next to me.indeed, i will miss hector forever. i don't know why he became so special to me but that is doggy love. he knows things about me that most people don't because i told him. he loved me no matter what and it goes both ways. he can't do no wrong. even now, i can't blame him. while i do feel some guilt for not being there when he was sick, i can't blame myself. i am just sad and i will miss him. he was a part of me and i would've given my arm/leg/butt cheek for him. hector, such a good dog!

#186 - i want out

i want to get out of here! don't get me wrong, i love portland and my life is pretty darn good right now but i want out...i want to travel. i'm getting the itch pretty bad. i think what makes it worse is the thought that i will be getting a full time job pretty soon. i hate the idea of being tied down. i have been working on-call for the past couple years, so i say when i am available and when i am not. i can say i don't want to work for the month of june or whatever. it's the bomb.

last summer i went to mexico and guatemala, it was an amazing experience and once i was back i just wanted to leave again. it was a month-long trip but i wanted more. i am not into having just two weeks off a year as your "vacation". i don't like the idea of having to plan a trip within the confines of 14 days. lame! i just do not want to work a full time job. i think that is the expectation. most places do not want to hire you unless you have experience. they also do not want to know you are going to leave after making X amount of money so you could travel to ___ for X amount of time. so i cannot tell anyone that, shh....

mostly i want to travel the world. i want to see everything. unfortunately i know i will never be able to do that. at this point there are several places that i must see before i die. there are different reasons but i've got a few trips in my head that i must do, in order to see these places.

SOUTHEAST ASIA i am totally drawn to this area right now, i don't know if its the culture, food or landscape but it just seems AWESOME! places and things in order of importance:

• thailand - songkran in april - it's a new years festival where everyone throws water on each other. plus, i could eat all the pad thai and som tum i want. for cheap, like thai food should be! a thai tattoo would be cool too.
• laos - while not many people i know have been there, i have heard it is cool and will definitely get there
• vietnam - again, food is key here. phở is the bomb.
• cambodia seems wild
• malaysia - my parents went there and said it was fun but pretty grossly humid.
• indonesia would be neat to go to

ITALY i feel italian sometimes. i could seriously eat italian food all day, everyday. i'm not exaggerating. i think in another life i was italian. while i mostly want to eat my way through italy, there are also a number of things i want to see/do there: rome, vatican, sicily, venice, tuscany, abruzzo, florence...basically everywhere. i want to see art and learn italian. i want to push the leaning tower over.

BACKPACK EUROPE this is separate from my trip to italy. i want to do the whole backpacking thing, taking the eurorail and sleeping in hostels. not sure where i want to start and end but i know i want to go through the chunnel! i'm guessing i will start in great britain - england, ireland, scotland. i need to golf in scotland and swim in lake guinness in ireland. then on to france, portugal, spain, germany, netherlands, austria, czech. not necessarily in that order or equal time in those places. there are obviously lots of things to see there. i'll need many months and moneys.

SOUTH AMERICA/CENTRAL AMERICA, again i will forget my two spanish phrases if i don't go there soon. oh dear. first, see motorcycle diaries, then you will know what i want to do in south america. basically i want to travel the continent, as it is "all one america". i want to see iguaza falls, go down the amazon river, go to carnival in brazil, rain forests, mountains, oceans, people, food, etc. i want to speak spanish and i guess maybe i could learn a few phrases in portuguese as well. chile and argentina sound like awesome countries!

AFRICA duh.

#185 - what i want

i'm thinking about what i want my life to be like. i'm thinking about the future. i'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, wasting time. it's not that i am bored and have nothing to do. i have tons of things to do, but i need to get this thing for school done. it's an online tutorial and i need to do 2.5 hours every 2 weeks. of course it's due friday and i didn't start till today. so i've spent the last 100 minutes clicking back and forth between the timed tutorial and various online activities (facebook, myspace, etc). i've still got another 50 minutes to spend on this.

i hate wasting time, especially when i don't have much free time. coffee shops get boring after an hour or so and i forgot my ipod. *sad mac face* i am really looking forward to more free time this summer. having a somewhat regular schedule will be nice. having multiple days off a week will be nice.

i really can't complain much right now. i have a job, i pay most of my bills, i have a house (until july 5), i'm almost an RN, i am enjoying clinicals, i play dodgeball and kickball, i have an awesome relationship, portland rocks, and it's good. but...i still complain! i'm congested (maybe allergies), tired, it's raining, i work too much, i have no free time, not enough money, i've been eating crap and time flies. overall i'm happy but those little things are annoying.

so this summer will be exciting. PLANS - i'm going on an alaskan cruise (june 20-27) and house sitting at the coast (july 9-17). i'll be taking my NCLEX (and passing!) some time in july. i'll also be moving somewhere in july. moving is never that much fun but i like to do it anyway. who wants to stay in the same place too long? get a new job, preferably at providence on 2G! whoo! my clinicals there have just been awesome and it's a great working environment. busy and interesting. draft league dodgeball, something i haven't done yet. you sign up and get picked up on a team, then play with cool peeps you haven't played with before! awesome! bike rides when it gets sunny more consistently. other than that, who knows what this summer holds for me.

maybe i'll start some new hobbies. maybe i'll have time to workout. maybe i'll cook more. maybe i'll garden. maybe i'll become president. who knows..and besides me, who cares?!

i want to say i will continue my "no buying" thing but i just don't know if i can. i want... i want a new laptop, mine takes about 20 minutes to start up and get going. it still works but i want to smash it to pieces. my desktop is just as slow starting and i don't even have it connected to the internets. i'm pretty sure they both have viruses. my laptop needs a new battery, it only lasts about 10 minutes off AC power. so i could spend money to fix them...or buy a macbook...heheif i do cave, it will be on a new laptop. that's all i can think about. i have too much clothes and other things that i would've normally spent frivolously on. i'm over buying stuff for the sake of it and to make me feel better. i would probably get buyers remorse now, something i've never really had previously. it hasn't been that hard not to buy things. i am pretty stubborn afterall. if i make a decision to do or not to do something, then it's done and done. whatever the reasons may be.

#184 - right now

i figure i should blog. haven't done so in awhile and not really doing anything important right now. there is about 5 hours until i have some kind of commitment (dodgeball) and although there are OTHER things i could be doing, i'm just sitting here with my laptop. things are still busy with me but going really well i guess.

clinicals are badass. being at the hospital is kind of fun and i can totally see myself there in the future, if they have jobs. the whole nursing shortage-hiring freeze dilemma is dumb. no makey sensey. but that is the truth and that's where we are at right now.

monday was tattoo day. the day of the dead has always been interesting for me. it's basically a holiday to remember dead people and celebrate their lives. i guess it's similar to the japanese obon season. here in america, death is kind of taboo. we don't talk about it enough and so we don't really celebrate it. we don't talk about the deceased. i think talking about it is therapeutic. i'm around death/dying a lot working in the nursing home. memorial day is coming up and they do a memorial day service for all the people who've died since last year. it's a nice thing that they do there and we can write down some interesting memories we have of the people. i've never been to the service but it seems very nice. funerals give people a time and place to mourn that is socially acceptable. society says we have to accept a death and move on but it takes time for most people. we are human afterall.

i guess i am entering the homestretch. let's see...a month and 5 days until graduation. it is getting close folks!! i am just about halfway through my clinicals, learning a lot everyday and getting used to the long 12-hour shifts. it's not all that bad if i keep eating throughout the day and have lots of coffee to start it off. i'm not sure if coffee keeps me awake or if it's the adrenaline of things. i think even if i'm tired, if something is interesting/cool/exciting then i can definitely stay up without coffee. but...coffee is so good! i tried to quit drinking it for a time but that was dumb. it's soothing and yummy, and people like to socialize over it. it's easy to "meet for coffee", especially since there are so many coffee shops around town!

the other day i did meet someone for grilled cheese sandwiches. we went to the grilled cheese grill on ne alberta. they do have the classic plain grilled cheese but you can get all kinds of additions, and you can get it with the crusts cut off! haha but i got one with four cheeses ("the gabby") and bacon. c'mon, you know you want it!