#188 - freedom

i'm so close i can smell the freedom. this must be what people in prison feel like right before they get out. anticipation of what's ahead. an insecurity of self. excitement of the endless possibilities. it feels good but at the same time i have a lot of anxiety. i've been in nursing school since january 07 and doing prerequisites for a couple years before that. so i'm used to being in school while working a couple jobs. but mostly i'm used to being in school. it's a kind of comfort yet it is a commitment. a commitment i am almost free of! no more teachers, no more books, something and dirty looks. i am so glad.

this brings up another kind of freedom though, one that i'm losing. i've been floating along for a couple years and i'm used to working whenever i want. having two on-call jobs i can usually work as much or little as i want avoiding holidays and administrators, which is definitely a luxury. i will be starting out on-call at my nursing home after training for a number of days, once i get my license. this will pay the bills for awhile but i certainly don't want to work there forever. i might get stuck. this means i will probably have to find a full time job. yuck! while full time in the hospital will probably mean three 12-hour shifts, its still kind of constricting. really committing myself three times a week for awhile sounds horrible. having to work holidays, weekends and pretty much any time they tell me to. ugh! being tied down, yuck.

good thing is i will have more free time. bottom line, more free time. i have to remember that. school took up so much time and while it will be worth it in the end (10 days from now) but it was a long process i am glad to be done. i will be able to hit the gym again and maybe even sleep in a few days a week. these are things i am looking forward to in my "freedom" summer. i will have to devote a lot of time to studying for my NCLEX but ultimately it is on my time and no one will be making me do it. i will pass the test, i know this. once i pass the test then it's on. i can be hired, trained, work and all that jazz. all the paperwork is done, it's time to wait.

oh and i also have to move. another freedom because i will be getting rid of stuff and simplifying again, of course. i have boxes yet unpacked since i moved into my apt in november. it will be gone. i need to figure out how to best get rid of these things because i don't want to add to the landfills but i doubt anyone will want any of it. it's junk. junk in my trunk. i have 33 days to find a place to live that is preferably close to where i am now, in a basement or otherwise not too hot, has an actual stove, and is decently priced. good luck with that, me.

#185 - what i want

i'm thinking about what i want my life to be like. i'm thinking about the future. i'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, wasting time. it's not that i am bored and have nothing to do. i have tons of things to do, but i need to get this thing for school done. it's an online tutorial and i need to do 2.5 hours every 2 weeks. of course it's due friday and i didn't start till today. so i've spent the last 100 minutes clicking back and forth between the timed tutorial and various online activities (facebook, myspace, etc). i've still got another 50 minutes to spend on this.

i hate wasting time, especially when i don't have much free time. coffee shops get boring after an hour or so and i forgot my ipod. *sad mac face* i am really looking forward to more free time this summer. having a somewhat regular schedule will be nice. having multiple days off a week will be nice.

i really can't complain much right now. i have a job, i pay most of my bills, i have a house (until july 5), i'm almost an RN, i am enjoying clinicals, i play dodgeball and kickball, i have an awesome relationship, portland rocks, and it's good. but...i still complain! i'm congested (maybe allergies), tired, it's raining, i work too much, i have no free time, not enough money, i've been eating crap and time flies. overall i'm happy but those little things are annoying.

so this summer will be exciting. PLANS - i'm going on an alaskan cruise (june 20-27) and house sitting at the coast (july 9-17). i'll be taking my NCLEX (and passing!) some time in july. i'll also be moving somewhere in july. moving is never that much fun but i like to do it anyway. who wants to stay in the same place too long? get a new job, preferably at providence on 2G! whoo! my clinicals there have just been awesome and it's a great working environment. busy and interesting. draft league dodgeball, something i haven't done yet. you sign up and get picked up on a team, then play with cool peeps you haven't played with before! awesome! bike rides when it gets sunny more consistently. other than that, who knows what this summer holds for me.

maybe i'll start some new hobbies. maybe i'll have time to workout. maybe i'll cook more. maybe i'll garden. maybe i'll become president. who knows..and besides me, who cares?!

i want to say i will continue my "no buying" thing but i just don't know if i can. i want... i want a new laptop, mine takes about 20 minutes to start up and get going. it still works but i want to smash it to pieces. my desktop is just as slow starting and i don't even have it connected to the internets. i'm pretty sure they both have viruses. my laptop needs a new battery, it only lasts about 10 minutes off AC power. so i could spend money to fix them...or buy a macbook...heheif i do cave, it will be on a new laptop. that's all i can think about. i have too much clothes and other things that i would've normally spent frivolously on. i'm over buying stuff for the sake of it and to make me feel better. i would probably get buyers remorse now, something i've never really had previously. it hasn't been that hard not to buy things. i am pretty stubborn afterall. if i make a decision to do or not to do something, then it's done and done. whatever the reasons may be.

#184 - right now

i figure i should blog. haven't done so in awhile and not really doing anything important right now. there is about 5 hours until i have some kind of commitment (dodgeball) and although there are OTHER things i could be doing, i'm just sitting here with my laptop. things are still busy with me but going really well i guess.

clinicals are badass. being at the hospital is kind of fun and i can totally see myself there in the future, if they have jobs. the whole nursing shortage-hiring freeze dilemma is dumb. no makey sensey. but that is the truth and that's where we are at right now.

monday was tattoo day. the day of the dead has always been interesting for me. it's basically a holiday to remember dead people and celebrate their lives. i guess it's similar to the japanese obon season. here in america, death is kind of taboo. we don't talk about it enough and so we don't really celebrate it. we don't talk about the deceased. i think talking about it is therapeutic. i'm around death/dying a lot working in the nursing home. memorial day is coming up and they do a memorial day service for all the people who've died since last year. it's a nice thing that they do there and we can write down some interesting memories we have of the people. i've never been to the service but it seems very nice. funerals give people a time and place to mourn that is socially acceptable. society says we have to accept a death and move on but it takes time for most people. we are human afterall.

i guess i am entering the homestretch. let's see...a month and 5 days until graduation. it is getting close folks!! i am just about halfway through my clinicals, learning a lot everyday and getting used to the long 12-hour shifts. it's not all that bad if i keep eating throughout the day and have lots of coffee to start it off. i'm not sure if coffee keeps me awake or if it's the adrenaline of things. i think even if i'm tired, if something is interesting/cool/exciting then i can definitely stay up without coffee. but...coffee is so good! i tried to quit drinking it for a time but that was dumb. it's soothing and yummy, and people like to socialize over it. it's easy to "meet for coffee", especially since there are so many coffee shops around town!

the other day i did meet someone for grilled cheese sandwiches. we went to the grilled cheese grill on ne alberta. they do have the classic plain grilled cheese but you can get all kinds of additions, and you can get it with the crusts cut off! haha but i got one with four cheeses ("the gabby") and bacon. c'mon, you know you want it!

#180 - overwhelmed

i am in my last term of nursing school. 10 weeks until graduation. a few months away from taking my NCLEX exam and becoming an RN, leaving professional poo-cleaning behind me. 71 days until our "pinning ceremony" which is a special nursing thing, like graduation. the problem is...in those 71 days i will be busy, very busy. these are concerns i just learned about today. you don't have to read or understand, it's for me to freak out about.

clinical hours 150 hours in the hospital doing patient care, my favorite part about school. i'll be doing thirteen 12-hour shifts.

work someone's gotta pay for rent and school. so i've got to find work hours here and there. boo. my goal is 2-3 shifts a week.

resume, cover letter, portfolio self-explanatory i guess but i have to get together all these documents i was supposed to be saving over the past 2 years and put them neatly in a fancy folder for my portfolio. i'll have to raise them from the dead/recycling.

NCLEX practice questions and medspub tutorial busywork. 200 practice questions and 2.5 hours of tutorial are due every 2 weeks. if it takes about 1 minute per question, that's 200 minutes. so 1400 minutes = almost 24 hours of busy work.

simulation three times this quarter we will be going into the sim room and take care of a dummy, who will most likely code. yuck. this creates a ton of anxiety and is just. not. fun.

ONA convention day-long convention in jantzen beach, listening to speakers and such. 8:30-4:30. BOO!

HESI exam to be taken in third week. must get score of 750 or not allowed to take NCLEX exam.

leadership project at long term care facility. spend 24 hours on various projects with old people, including an in-service for the staff and care conference with a resident.

community project going to a head start program and putting fluoride on bratty little kids' mouths. they are gonna love it.

OSBN and NCLEX fill out a bunch of paperwork, get fingerprints, passport photo, and pay around $400 in various fees. sure, that's chump change considering how much i will be making as a nurse, BUT i am not making that right now. plus i have $1200 in tuition for this quarter.

take and pass NCLEX this will be a month after graduation but it's still there in my mind.

get a job really?!! do i have to?

life i don't think i'll have one of these this term, but i can try. i do have dodgeball every thursday and kickball on sundays. that's about it.

#179 - schedule

it is 3 days into spring term. i still do not know when my clinicals will be. i know who my clinical preceptor is (by name only) and who i will be working with, but my teacher neglected to tell me what days or shift i will be on. so it doesn't really do me any good. so i cannot tell my work what days i am available, which means i won't get as many shifts to work, which i really need. i heard that my preceptor is working the 3-11 shift, which will only make finding shifts at my job harder. UGH!! this isn't really blogging, more like venting. there is nothing i can do to speed up this process and it's basically a waiting game. my teacher isn't really proactive and i can't change that. it's out of my hands, right?! i should just let it go, right?! but i can't. but i need to.

UPDATE: i found out less than an hour about my clinicals! it's cool how i tried to let it go and it righted itself. so i am on the 7am-7pm shift but i still have to meet with my preceptor so we can figure out days that i will be working with her. i have to do this with my teacher as well so hopefully we can get it done soon. now i am in class again, and we are finding out about a zillion other things we are supposed to do this term. it is going to be really busy and i'm not excited about that. basically i will not have much of a life this term. i am not sure i'll be able to get enough shifts at work either. i might have to become a vampire so i don't need sleep. anyone available to bite me?

#162 - 2009

2008 is history! overall i guess it was a good year, esp with the election. well i guess it's already 5 days into this year and already i am running behind. i started this post on the 1st, after i woke up smoke-filled lungs and all. i stayed up late playing firework then singing karaoke. it was good times. my dad bought this huge stash of stuff to burn and it took about 4 hours to do so. we put on quite a show with our "paperless" fireworks, which was actually nice cause then there was less clean up. the air was pretty thick with smoke though so i'm glad i don't have asthma.

so what will 2009 bring? shall i start a list? I like lists!

• inaugurating a new president!
• more dodgeball (duh)
• possible trip to whistler for spring break with sister!
• finishing nursing school in june
• possibly a family vacation to Yellowstone
• taking and passing the NCLEX to become an RN!
• hopefully a new, awesome job
• more pay
• another kick ass Beaver football season in the fall

well it's not that big of a list but it's a pretty huge change in my life. i will probably get a better studio, one that accepts dogs. that's one thing i really miss, having a dog to snuggle and play with. i will at least be able to afford a better place. mine right now is perfect but i can't have pets. my lease is up in may so we'll see what happens.

i don't believe in or make resolutions. i constantly try to work on myself, inside and out to become a better person. i don't need the turn of a calendar page to remind me to get in shape or to eat better. i just came back from a 17 day trip home to hawaii where all i did really was eat. i ate anything and everything in sight: loco mocos (maybe 3), ribs (big city!), kim chee fried rice (golf course), various potlucks (with ono food like alonzos steak!), lots of chicken katsu, etc. i'm sure my arteries are not happy. but i am back to cooking and eating for myself, when and where i want. i also have time and motivation to hit the gym, which i didn't when i was on vacation. sure, i did lots of active things like surf and golf but it's not quite the same as working hard at the gym.

one thing i am starting is not shopping. i did this for lent last year, and it worked well. i have a big problem with shopping even though i don't have much money. i will buy things then have to work an extra shift to pay for it. luckily i have made the habit of always paying my credit card bills on time, in full. so i've never carried a balance. i have bad self-control, let me just say that. if there is a huge plate of food in front of me, i eat it. if there is something i want at the store, i buy it. pretty simple. so i am back to not shopping. no going to the mall, stores, REI, online shopping sites or any other possible place i could spend my money frivolously.

so that's what i have to look forward to this year. yipppeeee!

#149 - burdens lifted

i am done with clinicals. we had ten days of clinicals at the hospital and it was such a great experience. well, i take that back, it sucked. i learned a ton from the nurses i worked with and towards the end actually believed i can do this. i got confidence and am excited to be almost there. i can't wait to get a job and start working, of course i don't know enough yet but it's exciting all the same. so the reasons it sucked are many but they all have to do with my instructor. i will not name her name of course but will call her U for useless. she is nice but pretty useless as a clinical instructor. in the past (this is my 4 1/2th term in clinicals) we have had one shadow day and then picked patients and learned a lot. our instructors were there to help us out, they sought out opportunities for learning and new skills and gave us direction. they made sure we knew what our expectations were and the lines of communication were wide open. so this is a new experience. i think it would be best to use bullet points to list things that didn't go well.

• our first day she says "this is my summer term but i have this huge credit card bill and that's the reason i'm doing this." thanks for letting us know how much you want to be here.
• she tells us we are going to have two shadow days. i ended up having three because she couldn't check me off on meds on the third day.
• we cannot give meds until she checks us off and then tells me she wasn't checking me till the 4th day! we had been getting checked off on the first day previously.
• we couldn't give IV medications until the second week, day 5/10. it wouldn't be a problem but EVERYONE in the hospital has an IV! so sometimes you feel useless and the patients are like, "why can't you do that" and basically the answer is because our teacher has no trust in the education we have received from her institution.
• when i asked her to clarify what we can do and that i was feeling like i was taking a step back she got really offended and started to lecture me. she informed me that she has all this experience doing clinicals and this is how it works best. i told her what i accomplished the previous term and that i wanted to move forward and she looked at me like i just said i was going to hold everyone in the hospital hostage with an AK-47.
• when she talks she goes off on tangents and her voice trails, you never really know what she means and she'll throw in a totally random comment.
• she disappears off the floor for hours at a time and when you need to find her she's not around. or she's on the phone or email. she's looking at pictures of cute puppies. aww...
• when she is there it happens to be when we sit down to look up things in the chart and she thinks we're not using our time wisely. but where was she the other 5 hours?
• one of my friends got kicked out of school because of her. she had it out for him. she specifically said to be there at 2:45 and then she said he was late when he showed at that time. some of his paperwork was incomplete and that to her was very important. but she didn't really stress that in our orientation. basically it was all these little things that got him kicked out, and nothing to do with his actual nursing skills or care with the patients. it wasn't even that his nurse preceptors didn't think he did a good job. it was nothing that warrants getting kicked out of the nursing program. i am upset over this, stewing actually.
• he will be the first one to say that he could have done some things right. he had the flu the previous weekend and was recovering from that. the problem is that she instantly focused in on him. other people had incomplete paperwork and she didn't give a crap. she treated him unfairly.
• she argues things. maybe it's fun for her but she really has to be right and doesn't allow differences of opinion.
• she's obsessed over diabetes.
• another gal cried because U said she couldn't communicate and all these other "non-issues" and said "if you want to leave you can".
• she lectured two gals on taking an hour lunch break when they took only 45 minutes, which was what she said to do. they were in there the whole time with their nurse and if she had asked him she would know. but NO, she had to be right. she said "i KNOW you were in there from 7-8" when in fact they were getting a new patient at 7:15 so that was impossible.
• there were other things but i'm tired of thinking about her.

so anyway, i am glad to be done. i did learn a lot and gain confidence, by my own doing and initiative, but mostly i learned that i have to just keep my nose down and fly under the radar. i don't want to be that person she focuses in on and treats unfairly. i hate authority and kissing ass, i will not do it. so i just need to stay out of the way, don't argue, and get what i can from my nurses. is that really the best learning experience for me? no, but it's what i have to do to get through school. i'll graduate, pass the NCLEX, get a job and then the real learning starts, or so i hear. it's just frustrating that they put up so many blocks to our learning and don't really foster it. in a better school or educational system i think they would try to accommodate different things like illness and be more flexible to individual learning needs. not everyone has the same learning styles.

another thing that i had to go through was a "simulation". basically there is this dummy that talks and breathes by teachers controlling it from this little room, think wizard of oz. you have a scenario and go in, with all your student peers watching on a live feed video. so you don't know what's going to happen and you have to react, with all these people watching, judging and probably commenting. it is way too much for me to handle and every time i just have so much anxiety. so this time i just freaked out a little and kind of bonked. when it came time for me to perform, i didn't. this is not a venue where i excel. i had to go in and watch my video to see how i did and it was not pretty. it's like i wasn't even there. psychologically/emotionally i don't think i was. so anyway, i am glad that is over for now. we have one more to do at the end of the term and hopefully i do better.

#139 - ahhh, fall

tomorrow is the first official day of "autumn" but today certainly feels like it. it is crisp, overcast and wonderful. fall is my favorite season for many reasons, and october is my favorite month. we're almost there. why? the trees are all starting to change colors at the very tips of the leaves. orange tipped trees are beautiful. i love putting on layers of clothes and walking down the street with my face cold but body warm. i love the rain! my bike is now in it's "resting place" aka storage. i am a fair-weather biker. i admit it. having a bus pass and no fender for my bike really make it easy not to bike in the cold and rain. i am a wimp!

what a strange year it has been. just last week it was 90 degrees and now it's nipply out. i've been waiting patiently for fall to arrive and now it has. i start school tomorrow bright and early, with clinicals at the hospital as well. it is going to be one heck of a busy term and i am not sure i am prepared mentally. i am having major anxiety! on top of that i am looking for a new place to rent. i am currently living with 3 guys who i never really see or hang out with. so i have nothing really going for me here, and while it was nice to be across the street from a mcmenamins pub/theater i am over it. i want to be closer to work, school and friends. so i am moving. i'm gonna live with 2 gals from work who are awesome! i can't wait. first we have to find the perfect place though, and that's hard considering we are all poor/working/students.

on another note, RENT is done on broadway but doing a final tour with some of the original cast. i have been a fan of RENT since i first saw it. it's one of those shows that i really get and that i can relate to. other ones that i love i don't necessarily connect to but just like the music, like phantom of the opera and les miz. they are all essentially about love but RENT is set more in this age and place. also, the music is rockin and i love it! it is not coming until june but i just bought my tickets!!! i got orchestra seats for a thursday night but i'm thinking i'll probably try to rush for another night. they are only performing for a week so we'll see if i can.

i have to go to kickball soon. it's cold out and i'll have to dress warmly. last week we lost to the worst team, 10-2. we were short many people and our pitcher severely sprained his ankle. we had 2 guys who never played before and i was 0-3, something that's never happened. i'm not sure where my mojo went. hopefully it'll be back this week! go CHEATERS!

#129 - nursing clinicals

i had a summer class that i cut my summer trip short for. i should've been in costa rica getting ready for a fun wedding. instead i've been back for almost a month, back in the real world. it seems weird that just a month ago i was traveling and living out of my backpack. now it's back to reality and my messy disaster of a room. add to that a broken dryer and shower in my house. i am not sure how i will take a shower tomorrow tho i'm thinking maybe at work. one of my roommates is supposedly taking care of it but the dryer has been broken for weeks. i had to use the laundromat the other day because i ran out of scrubs and underwear. this guy fell in a puddle of water and his wife called an ambulance. there wasn't anything i could do for him and i felt pretty helpless.

so bottom line is - i need to move. a couple friends from work are looking for a place with me and we're looking for cheap, 3 br, preferably in inner SE or NE, maybe even nopo would be cool. something in the range of $1000-$1400. W/D would be nice, or even hookups. option of pets would be nice but i know i'm not ready for one yet.

my summer class consisted of one day of in-the-classroom practice. we were given some videos to review as well as tools to help us get back into nursing. our last clinicals were in november, so our skills are a bit rusty. or they were. after that class i was a little nervous and skeptical of my skills but now i'm back in the game. we had to do four clinical days out at the hospital. it was usually about 7am-4pm but we got out early today. doing those four days really helped my confidence in patient care and an assortment of skills i didn't know i had. things like patient teaching and organizing my day with medications and treatments. of course, i only had one patient but i also was able to observe several seasoned nurses and how they do things. every nurse has their own "practice" and it's nice to be able to model the things i like and omit the others. i haven't had a bad nurse yet but i've heard some stories.

one of my patients was a homeless man withdrawing from alcohol. he was very agitated and it said he drank a dozen 24-oz per day...that is a lot of beer! there are many patients like this and seeing him only reaffirmed my decision to quit drinking. i don't want to get to that point. i don't think i would become that way, but i don't think he ever thought that either. it really can happen to anyone if they slowly lose that control and let the alcohol take over their lives. it's a harsh disease that affects many people.

TV - just started watching six feet under, it's about a family that owns a mortuary. showtime has the best shows! this one is pretty funny and the family is so dysfunctional it's entertaining. a lot of people are afraid of death or even talking about it. uncomfortable topic, use comedy! i guess working at a nursing home i see a lot of old people die so it doesn't make me too scared. it's a natural part of life and for me, it's nice helping someone to be comfortable at the end. you just have to accept it's going to happen.

#127 - night shift

i worked my first night shift. usually i work the day shift (6:30am-3pm) but there weren't enough open shifts this week so i picked up two night shifts (10:30pm-7am). i thought it would be really hard and i was pretty nervous but it ended up fine. i was a little tired at one point around 2-4am but it passed and i got a second wind. the residents mostly sleep and you answer a few call lights but mostly it's chill. i was thinking it might be good to work night shifts because when i become a RN most likely the shifts that i'll be able to get will be those unwanted ones.

it is still amazingly hot in portland, i'm pretty sure it hit 100F today. it's so yucky! i was worried that when i came home i wouldn't be able to sleep because of the heat and light but i got almost 8 hours. it's weird to wake up at 2:45 in the afternoon. i am not sure what kind of schedule i can get on when school starts but i am really wanting to work the night shift. it'll give me time to study when it's quiet and it's nice to be in quiet sometimes. also there are no administrators around so that's a big incentive. i need to figure out how to work nights and still be able to function during the day.

i am a big sweat bug right now. gonna shower, eat some leftover thai food then head to work. this day has been kind of weird, kind of zombie-like. i guess it's just another day. i finished the first season of dexter. there is another one but i think i'm gonna put it on hold for a little while. i started watching the 2nd season of "little mosque on the prairie". this show is funny, it's about a mosque in canada. it's an islamic comedy i guess, i saw the first season on dvd and just found the second on surfthechannel.com, check it out.

school starts in a little over a month. i am actually pretty excited to get started and going again. when i'm not in school or working full time i am kind of in limbo. it seems like i waste a lot of time (watching tv perhaps) and have no purpose. some people find ways to make themselves productive but not me. i'll have class on mondays and fridays and some clinicals thrown in there somewhere. they never tell us ahead of time when our clinicals will be and our class schedule usually changes without them telling us till THAT DAY. i just have to get through it. june 12 is the day, 10 months until i become something else.

#112 - so done!

i did it! i became a SUPERSTAR!! i took my final exam this morning and not only passed, but got an A. maybe my teachers were right...or maybe this time it was based on more than just three tests. there were quizzes and extra credit as well. why not last time? so frustrating, but it's over. i studied hard and now don't have to worry about pathophysiology ever again. what a great feeling! i called my parents and they were so relived and happy, my mom said she had tears of joy. so funny. the madness however is not over. first they told me that my summer class would be the second 5-week term of summer, from july 28 till the end of august. so i planned my trip around that time frame, foregoing the wedding that i was supposed to attend in costa rica. now they tell me it's only going to be one day of lab time and four days of clinicals at the hospital. and of course, the timing is horrible. if they had said this in the first place, i would be at a wedding in late august! bastards. um, no hard feelings of course. but why can't they get it together?

anyway, so now school is done for this term. it's gonna be work, play and then the trip. i have so much still to plan and prepare and only 3 weeks to do it. it's getting close! i'm so excited and now i don't have to worry about coming back to the same job forever because i passed my class and will go on with nursing school as planned.

it's june. it's supposed to be summery and sunny. today it's raining and cold. last week i got my bike out and rode it to work. on the way home afterwards i hit an oil slick on a turn and skidded out. luckily it was a little chilly so i was wearing a jacket and pants. if not, my left elbow and leg wouldn't have much skin on it. so it was my first bike wreck. i'm glad it wasn't bad and no one was around to witness the humiliation. i was more upset than anything really. now i am a little nervous as i hit the turns that may or may not have wet/oily spots. my tires are pretty thin and aren't made for crazy maneuvers. i hope that's the last of my accidents. that elbow has had it's share of owies, mostly skateboarding falls. when it's sunny i'll probably start trying to skate again. last summer i learned an ollie, a 180, pop shove it, and kickflip. i want to get better at those tricks and do a heel flip too. also i want to get good enough to ride at the skate park. i tried it when i was back home, but i was by myself and still felt embarrassed. it's hard to commit to dropping into the half pipe. i need to find some balls.

#111 - june goals

when i previously made goals (i'd post a link but am too embarrassed by lack of adherence) they were too broad and weren't "smart". smart goals are:

• specific
• measurable
• attainable
• realistic
• timely

my goals were attainable but i think i may have set too many, then lost sight of them once i got in the groove. i met some new people and started hanging out a lot with them. of course i'm not placing blame anywhere but with myself. i became irresponsible with lots of things, but mostly time and money. if those aren't the most important things though, i am not sure what is. i don't regret any time that i spent with my new friends, nor the massive amounts of fun that we had together. the credit card statement does make it hurt a little though. so now i will pay for it, literally and figuratively. what does that mean? well since i'm limited in the days i can work and therefore money i can make, i have to spend less. spending less is something i should have been doing a long time ago.

june goals

• goal #1: save money. this is most important right now, especially since i'm going on my trip soon. i've been saving up for that for awhile and it would be stupid if i spent it on partying.
• goal #2: be bikini ready by july 1. i know, this isn't much time, but i just have to get rid of the beer gut.
• goal #3: pass my class. i will take care of this on monday, finals! i've got less than a week and am getting nervous. why am i blogging?...
• goal #4: clear out my pantry. since i'll be gone for a month i don't really want to keep food stuff sitting there. i will be making interesting meals with whatever i have.
• goal #5: simplify. while this is broad, mostly i want to get rid of the things i don't use, as well as some of the million t-shirts i own.

yes, i know, none of these are really "smart" goals. and i don't really say HOW i will attain these goals. well that is coming up. i believe they are all realistic and attainable. target date is end of june - the 30th. #4 and 5 are hard to be specific. in my head, i know what i want to get rid of. there are some things i got years ago that i still haven't found a use for. but i come from a family of packrats and i am no different...but i am trying to change.

june plan

• goal #1 - i will not eat out or hang out in bars all month. yes, you read right. i am avoiding the places that i spend my money in. also, since i will be working on goal #4, i won't be spending as much on groceries. maybe some fresh food to add to whatever concoctions i come up with, but no more $50 grocery bills. i am trying to pick up as many shifts at work as i can as well.
• goal #2 - my plan for goal #1 should help this a lot. i KNOW how i can lose weight and look good, it's by not drinking and eating out. also i just started biking again. yay! dodgeball league is finished but i've still got pickup on tuesday/friday. i'm going to the gym at least twice a week. cake.
• goal #3 - after i am done with this blog i will study for an hour before bed. i will avoid my computer tomorrow so that i can concentrate on patho. yuck. same goes for thursday. this weekend will sadly be devoted to studies rather than other fun stuff. well i'll be at the coast camping, but i will have my book in hand at all times...that should be a rule.
• goal #4 - i've got two drawers of food plus a picnic box right now. i want to get that down to one drawer and half the picnic box. i'm planning meals based around those items. lots of canned beans and such, yum.
• goal #5 - i will spend 30-45 minutes a day i am home working on the simplifying/organizing/cleaning process. putting stuff into boxes/bags for ebay/craigslist/goodwill, taking pictures of stuff and advertising it, and just getting off my lazy duff.

well there you have it. updates in four weeks. look out!

#105 - i can see through the b.s.

i am sitting in class, pretty much how i was 6 months ago. patho 2 in fall term. now i'm in patho 2 spring term. it's the same class (with different material and a different book). different teachers, different students. same b.s. we just took our second exam and coming into class this morning i hear rumblings from my fellow students about how frustrated they are with the class, their grades, the teachers, the stupid exams and the school. i can sympathize of course because i've been there. i am still frustrated about all the same things, BUT i am past caring.

don't get me wrong, i care about my education and school and becoming a good nurse. i care about knowing things i need to know to be that good nurse. i care about my future patients and giving them excellent nursing care. i care about passing this class and getting through the rest of school. what i don't care about is complaining about everything because i know it does not do good. one of my good friends in this cohort mentioned to the head of the nursing school that over 50% of the students in this class were concerned about their grades and frustrated with the teaching, etc. what does she say? basically in so many words: "f- you, figure it out together cause we're not going to help you" i was laughing to myself because i've been through this already. they SAY they want to help and they SAY they want to you be successful. yet their actions are quite different. when we asked them for help last time they said "oh well if you don't pass this term you'll come back and be superstars next time you take it." superstars.

well i didn't pass last time and now here i am, a superstar. it's a little easier the second time around. i am studying and reading and being a good student. i don't think i'll be getting an A this term but maybe if half the class fails, a B is superstar status! they tell us to get into a good study group and that way it'll be easier to learn, but it's pretty much like the blind leading the blind. no one knows what they will be testing us on. they give us a "test blueprint" which is supposed to say what the test is on, but really, it doesn't. there were questions on the exam that i don't think were written in english. their test questions are that bad. i've taken NCLEX style questions from a study book and did in the "A" range and then go to take their tests and end up more in the C range. that's just not right. where are they getting these questions?

getting all caught up in complaining about school is a waste of my time because it's not gonna do anything. i know the faculty know things. they've been nurses at some point (even if it was decades ago) and probably have a lot of knowledge. the problem is they do not teach us that material nor do they test on what they supposedly teach on. so basically when you are studying you have to guess what to focus on because it's not what you talk about in class or necessarily the reading assignments from the textbook. i feel all alone in the class and i know that i will pass somehow, but it's okay because i'm a superstar.

#90 - myself

reading my blog from yesterday and then finishing my book eat, pray, love, i realized (again) that i am everywhere. not in the same idea as "God is everywhere" but i am all over the place mentally. on one side i've got crazy, bitter, resentful, angry, frustrated, embarrassed nursing student. on the other i've got calm, stress-free, life-living, soul-searching, caring student of life trying to make a difference in this world.

i got this little blurb out of the book: the bhagavad gita says "it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection." i've read the gita and must read it again. that's wisdom and sage advice. i believe your twenties are really about trying to figure things out and coming to terms with the person you are, the person you want to be and the person you are becoming. these three people are (at the moment) not one and the same. for some people they are and others it takes longer. it's important to me to continually think about this. that way i've got accountability for myself (present and future).

at the end and start of every month i do a little thinking/analyzing about how the past month was and what i want out of the next one. a little check and re-check. what did i accomplish last month and what do i want to accomplish next? in the book, she writes that in bali common greetings are "where are you going?" and "where are you coming from?"

so where was i last month?
i was enjoying the last of my extended break from school. i went out a lot, hung out with friends, ate food, met people, stayed out late and basically paid for it in the end when i got a flu-like sickness. i slept for 14 hours the other day cause i was so exhausted. it's good to get it out of my system, the craziness. that is not to say there won't be some fun and crazy times this month, but they will be few and far between. i gave up shopping for lent and that worked out well, still haven't bought anything. and if anything, it's taught me to really think about things that i need. for example, my ipod that died. i have a shuffle and right now that is working out just fine for me. it's a little annoying when on a ride of longer than an hour because by then i want to listen to something other than one of the 250 songs that can fit. but lent has been over for a week and i haven't rushed out and bought my ipod (leaning towards the classic). i have to think about other things that i really need. i've got a trip coming up and need/want a few things for it. not even going to risk taking my ipod so i'll buy it when i get back, if i have any money left.

where am i going this month?
my main focus will be on school. i have the one class - pathophysiology. i will be a superstar and i will know things. i will study hard and i will do well. at the same time, i need to deal with my angry/bitter side by throwing dodgeballs at people. so i will be playing lots of dodgeball. i'm also going to be working a few times a week. so school, work and dodgeball. so out of 168 hours a week:

• 56 hours sleeping (8 hours a day, average)
• 24 hours working
• 12 hours AT SCHOOL on mondays
• 6 hours playing dodgeball

that leaves 70 hours to study, make food, eat, workout, procrastinate, get ready, go places, free time. that may seem like a lot...but it's not.

while i'm always thinking about the person i want to become and my future self, i often feel i need to focus more on the now, the present.

no day but today -rent

i neglect the now self. the only way to truly appreciate life is to embrace that self, no matter how flawed or wrong it feels. embracing it doesn't mean being content. you've got to love yourself first! i've never believed that contentment is a good thing. i don't mean contentment of material possessions (this is good), but always trying to be better. becoming a better person. no one is, was or ever will be perfect. some would argue that if you're always trying for something else you'll never appreciate what you have. i would have to disagree and say that being content with what you have will make you complacent and lax. it would me anyway. i appreciate everything i have, whether it was given to me or i have earned it. it doesn't mean i don't want to better myself. i do.

#89 - i am bitter

(from the free online dictionary) - bitter adj. 6. marked by resentment or cynicism

this is how i feel after my first day back at school. why? because i RESENT everyone for having passed the class that i did not. they are all together (without several of us superstars), going on with their education. there they were in their blue scrubs, in the middle of their second year while i'm trying desperately to finish my first. they are graduating this summer and i won't till june '09. i have no reason to feel this way towards others who were my special close friends. it was painful to try and talk to them. it was more painful to talk about what they were up to (easy classes and fun clinicals)! for the most part they are wonderful people who will make great nurses (except a few idiots who i will not dare to describe). i'm glad i did not see my great, bestest friend who is still in that cohort today cause i don't want to feel bitter towards her.

i have NO REASON to feel this way towards them. they did nothing wrong. it was I who had a hard time and it was I who failed. it is I who has to take that responsibility and "man up". get myself together and really get my educational experience going in a different direction. I am the only one who can make this happen. it is not my fellow students or teachers that can make it happen. it's all about attitude right? in reading another blog i found these quotes today by thomas edison:

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

there is no way i am giving up, having come this far and seeing the light at the very long tunnel, BUT after today it is a challenge. as if seeing former classmates smiling and happy they are almost done was not enough, i had to go to class. my school is rather disorganized and at times incompetent, i believe, at running things (sometimes at teaching them). but, i need my degree. the class i am registered was scheduled for mondays, 12:30-3:30. it is a great time, being able to sleep in and still be able to do things before my next class (conversational spanish at 7). instead, i get a call at 8 THIS MORNING saying that the class was changed to 9-11 and 2-4 (more on that later). HELLO! what about having a week's notice, or changing it on the official schedule? i checked and double-checked that schedule, and talked to 2 classmates (one from old cohort and one from new one) and 12:30 it was. so talk about starting the day off on the wrong foot.

so i get to class 45 minutes late and immediately have to take a quiz, which was fine cause i was actually prepared for it (drawing the heart with all chambers, vessels, blood flow, etc) cause i read last night. then i find out we are not only there from 9-11 but ALSO 2-4. now this is a 3 credit class, which usually means 3 class hours. we we've got an extra hour, which we have to share with the theory class. it's a combined "seminar" hour. now i'm not only bitter but angry.

the cohort i am joining bought their books in the first term, like we did. it cost us about $1300, give or take. their books ARE NOT the same as our books. so "what does this mean," you might ask. it means i have to buy new books! the teacher was trying to say "oh yeah it should be fine that you have these other books" but i know from experience with these sneaks that they pull things out of books you need a magnifying glass to see!!! things they put on the test don't cover broad all-encompassing need-to-know information, but teensy little trivia on one page of three hundred we were assigned to read. so, i am buying two new books:

total cost, trying to buy old textbooks from online dealers who supposedly have good deals - $150. this is only one term, one class!! i've got 3 more terms left to go and have no idea how many more books (we got about 20 when we first bought the bundle). i am not only bitter and angry, i am also going to be poor.

i am not complaining. i am in school while others have yet to get in, it's hard to. they are giving me a second chance to take the class (74.9% is failing here). i messed up and i'm lucky i'm still here. there are many reasons why i failed, some are excuses, some are personal/internal, some are external. that is in the past. i will make the most of it and tomorrow hopefully the bitterness goes away, just a little.

#56 - summer trip

in the ideal situation i would have an endless source of money with which to travel the world. unfortunately i don't so it's not my ideal situation but i do have an opportunity for a great trip this summer. my friend and former college roommate, amanda, is getting married this august in costa rica. her fiancee is a costa rican so naturally they are having it there. it was going to be a nice 3 month trip for me to explore central america but unfortunately i had to go and ruin my trip by failing my class. so instead of having from august till whenever to complete my trip, i will probably only have a month, depending on when my summer class is. i have to take a 1 credit class called nursing transition NUR 151. since my teachers/advisors are inept and generally wrong i have no idea about when and how i will take this class. it will start june 23 and get out either july 25, august 15 or august 29. then fall term starts on september 22. if it is july 25 i can do a 6 week thing. august 15 and i can do a 4 week thing but if it's august 29th i won't much time, barely enough for a 2 week trip. i have been saving money for awhile now for it so it would be a bummer if i could not make it work out. i have also been doing research, reading online and in travel books...only making me want to go more!

if i have a 6 week trip i could make it work. here are the 7 countries i am interested in visiting and planned on spending time in on my 3 month trip. instead i'm either going to cut out time in each country or skip countries altogether, thinking the latter probably.

• costa rica
• nicaragua
• el salvador
• belize
• honduras
• guatemala
• mexico

obviously i am going to be there because of my friend. since she won't be living in c.r. i am not sure how long she will be there before/after her wedding so if i cannot make the wedding in late august that would be a shame. then would i not even go? that is the question. spend my money to visit another area perhaps. i think my 6 week plan (school ending july 25) would include, in order of interest but not necessarily chronological/geographical order:

1. costa rica - 8-9 days
2. guatemala - 7 days
3. yucatan peninsula, mexico - 5 days(ish)
4. el salvador - 4 days
5. belize - 4 days

then if the trip were to shorten to say 4 weeks or less with amanda being in c.r., my list might be more like:

1. costa rica
2. spanish school and homestay somewhere to learn spanish

so these are two different possibilities that i've been thinking about, both not what i planned initially but change and flexibility are the names of the game. if she will not be in c.r. at that time though, i might do a trip to guatemala or mexico instead, the two i have a little more interest in and that aren't terribly expensive. i have something to look forward to, i'm just not sure what.