#133 - there is hope

there is hope again in this country and his name is barack obama. this will be the next president, he understands the needs of our country and what we need to have a future. "the change we need is coming, because i've seen it" what part of our country do we not need change? i see problems in every part: war in iraq, health care, economy/jobs, taxes, environmental policies, education, etc. i called someone to wish them a happy birthday and she said "did you see obama?! it was inspiring!" and it feels like there is so much going on, there is a special energy that seems to be involved in this election. her friend was undecided until she watched his speech. my mom cried. of course, there is a long way till the actual election but man, this is exciting!

you don't have to be a democrat to appreciate this speech. instead of dividing ourselves by our beliefs, why don't we come together as a nation? it is moving and addresses many of the concerns over obama's lack of experience or other issues people may have with him. just listening to him speak gives me the chills and i think it is hope that i am feeling. there is actually hope for this country. yes some may say this is the best country in the world but really, we are suffering as a whole. you may be comfortable in your suburban home with your 2 cars, children, etc but as they say, you are only as strong as your weakest link. we do not take care of each other and the divide between rich and poor is growing every day. we need to take care of those who can't afford health care and education. everyone has a right to those things. many people are born into poverty and we expect them to just rise above it but no one can do it alone. they have so much going against them yet we don't give them a helping hand.

you may not be a democrat, voter, political, idealist, optimist or activist but i know you are human. it is human to want what is best for yourself. everyone wants happiness and what better way than to provide a good life for every man, woman and child? we are just people, the same flesh and bone. we may differ on many things but why should we focus on that? we are all americans, let's come together and change our country for the better! listen and cheer, four parts for your enjoyment.

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

#132 - consumerism

how do you define yourself? when you meet someone new, they often ask "what do you do?" and it's a hard question to answer for me because 1) i wipe butts for a job and 2) i am going to school to become a nurse. neither of these things really define me as a person and i don't really want to introduce myself as one or the other. but what should i say? i am a person who loves to play dodgeball, sing in the rain, travel the world and to eat good food. :) i think people sometimes ask so they can feel superior. they might not even be listening to what you say, but waiting for you to finish so they can one-up you.

i was watching "trading spouses" on CMT (yes, don't laugh) and this lady was so caught up with herself, she kept mentioning that she had a four-poster California king bed. her relationship with her husband was distant at best, and really - she was crazy and self-absorbed. her insecurities with her personal life manifested itself in showing off of her material possessions. having a nice big bed does not make you a good or decent person. she criticized the other mom for not running twice a day and said how "they are lucky i am here to help them and give them some culture." she was from florida and they were from wisconsin. i am not sure there is much more culture in florida than wisco.

so these things make me think of the movie FIGHT CLUB. if you have not seen it, you must. if you do not like violence then you can skip over those scenes, i don't really believe it is essential to the essence of the themes and purpose. here is a short clip/quote from the movie about self and identity.


you're not your job. you're not how much money you have in the bank. you're not the car you drive. you're not the contents of your wallet. you're not your fucking khakis. you're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

i don't believe in advertising, especially for drugs. this is a post for another day but people really believe in what they see on tv. while this isn't necessarily their fault, it is a problem. "advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need." it is so true. why is it that we are so dependent on material possessions? having things makes us feel good and buying things makes us feel we are closer to somehow having everything we need. we will never get to that place because hopefully we are always evolving and will never reach a state of being "complete". every day is a chance to become a better person.

tyler durden says "the things you own end up owning you. it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." meaning, material possessions are weighing us down. maybe it does not feel like it but our lives revolve around our "stuff". we need jobs to pay the rent to store the things we buy and electricity to keep them going. many people even have storage units to store the things they have purchased that they do not necessarily use. useless things taking up your money. that does not seem to make you "free". when people go through natural disasters and lose everything, they gain other things. they realize how the thing that's worth the most (their life) is still there even if they have no money. the friends and family that they still have is worth more than that house or car. while it may seem essential to have such things, it is not. of course losing all your possessions would be hard to cope with but there is more to life than stuff. with nothing to keep you attached you might realize that you have a bigger, larger purpose.

i re-read this post and it sounds kind of preachy. these are just my observations in general and while i believe a lot of it to be true, i do not really live this way. i buy things, i love to shop. i have more t-shirts than a person needs. i can not do laundry for a month and still have clothes to wear. BUT i do feel that all my things weigh me down and that if i can somehow simplify my life and pare down my belongings i will feel more free. i want to travel the world and having all this stuff kind of makes that less achievable. i need to pay rent or for storage while i am away, just so i have my things when i get back. on my trip to mexico/guatemala i lived out of a backpack, for almost a month. i never really felt i was lacking because i had the essentials and it was enough. back home, my room full of stuff was sitting there. going to school and working i do need a little more than just the essentials but the more you have, the more comfortable you become. why can't i just be content? if i am content with my material possessions, i can move on to other things. i can be free to change other aspects of my life and really work on my inner self, rather than focusing so much on my appearance/image/status.

i am working on finding a new place to live, with some friends. i want to pare down before i move. it will simplify the moving process as well as cut out the things in my life i don't need. other people could find better uses for my unloved things. i've got things sitting in the basement i haven't seen in a year. i am not even sure what's down there. i've got clothes i've never worn and books i never open. so i will simplify. will this get me closer to changing my life for the better? i hope so. it is hard to change the hard-wired consumerist lifestyle that we've become accustomed to but i want to, and hey, it can happen.

#131 - cleaning schedule

my roommate has been trying to get a house meeting together for some time now. we've all got different schedules and i think i'm out of the house most. the others are night jobbers so we're on different sleeping schedules. so he thought it best he just talk to us individually. i don't know if this is a dictatorship but he said that we're changing the cleaning schedule to have "incentives" although i am not sure that is the right word. basically, if you don't do your chores by sunday you pay $15. $10 to the person behind you on the list and $5 to a house fund. there is no way i can afford this and there is no way i can get my chores done every week. there are 4 rotating chores: kitchen (worst and hardest), bathroom (2nd most), living room/laundry (lame and easy), garbage (once a week, easy). most of the time i do not even know what day it is so being on a cleaning schedule really doesn't work for me.

sure, cleaning the house is important but when i clean, it's a deep clean that you can tell the difference afterwards. i don't think it's necessary every week. if you've seen my room you know i am not even a neat person. i don't consider myself "dirty" but i'm in no way neat. i do have anal tendencies when cleaning and organizing but it doesn't bug me that my room looks like a hurricane just went through. i have better things to do than upkeep the visual aesthetics of my living space. i don't mind stepping over things to get to my bed, then throwing random things on the floor that have been occupying that space. my room is about 8x12 so there isn't much room. i have too much stuff and i know this. i'm working on it. my new place will be smaller.

speaking of, i'm going to move out. i can't deal with cleaning schedules and such. especially cleaning schedules with "disincentives", if there is such a word. two gals from work want to find a house to live in together. it's gonna happen at the end of september. one of them is in eugene till i find a place and the other is at her mom's and wants to wait till she pays off her credit card. so far i haven't found much that will fit our needs and wants but there is still a month so even if i found something it wouldn't work out. we don't want to pay more than $1200 for a 3 BR which is actually kind of hard to find in a good location. so i'll keep looking cause i need to move out!

#130 - brandi @ the zoo

brandi carlile is one of my favorite singers. she has an amazing voice and a great variety of music. in some songs she rocks out and others are sweet ballads. the band consists of "the twins", tim and phil hanseroth plus a drummer that's changed a couple times and the cellist, josh neuman. i went to my 4th brandi carlile concert the other night at the oregon zoo. it was an amazing show and i was right up at the front with other obsessed fans who knew all the words to her songs. they just wrapped up recording on a new album and so played a lot of new songs. i've been watching vids on youtube so i pretty much knew all the songs in the set, which ran about 90 minutes. it was great!!

it was a pretty amazing place to have a concert and they have concerts every week during the summer at the zoo. it just so happened that the elephant was very soon expecting a baby. so they kept commenting about the elephant and it turns out the baby, a boy, wasn't born till the next morning. i read that it was 286 lbs! i took a bunch of pictures throughout the show but many turned out blurry because it was dark and no flash was allowed (altho people still flashed, idiots). the funniest thing happened while i was shooting, this girl comes up and offers me a beer in exchange for e-mailing her pics! i agreed but didn't really want any beer so she gave me $2. does this make me a professional? :) the thing about brandi and seeing her live is that she puts everything into her shows. she lets it all go as if she's playing for you the first and only time. it really felt like i was the only one there, even though it was a sold out/packed show.

she played songs from her two albums "brandi carlile" and "the story" as well as some new songs on the upcoming album and cover songs. i've heard her cover many songs and she did a couple favorites, "folsom prison blues" (johnny cash) and "fortunate son" (credence clearwater revival). when you think about those songs you wonder how a gal could do it but she pretty much owns it! and as always, she closed the encore with a cover of "hallelujah" which is always amazingly spine-tingling. it is a leonard cohen song which has been done by many people and i think the most popular is the jeff buckley version, but brandi really makes it her own.

here are a couple new songs, hopefully on the new album!

dreams


caroline (oregon zoo show)


that year (heard it at her last show but it's still new)


pride & joy (not new exactly but they kinda changed it)

#129 - nursing clinicals

i had a summer class that i cut my summer trip short for. i should've been in costa rica getting ready for a fun wedding. instead i've been back for almost a month, back in the real world. it seems weird that just a month ago i was traveling and living out of my backpack. now it's back to reality and my messy disaster of a room. add to that a broken dryer and shower in my house. i am not sure how i will take a shower tomorrow tho i'm thinking maybe at work. one of my roommates is supposedly taking care of it but the dryer has been broken for weeks. i had to use the laundromat the other day because i ran out of scrubs and underwear. this guy fell in a puddle of water and his wife called an ambulance. there wasn't anything i could do for him and i felt pretty helpless.

so bottom line is - i need to move. a couple friends from work are looking for a place with me and we're looking for cheap, 3 br, preferably in inner SE or NE, maybe even nopo would be cool. something in the range of $1000-$1400. W/D would be nice, or even hookups. option of pets would be nice but i know i'm not ready for one yet.

my summer class consisted of one day of in-the-classroom practice. we were given some videos to review as well as tools to help us get back into nursing. our last clinicals were in november, so our skills are a bit rusty. or they were. after that class i was a little nervous and skeptical of my skills but now i'm back in the game. we had to do four clinical days out at the hospital. it was usually about 7am-4pm but we got out early today. doing those four days really helped my confidence in patient care and an assortment of skills i didn't know i had. things like patient teaching and organizing my day with medications and treatments. of course, i only had one patient but i also was able to observe several seasoned nurses and how they do things. every nurse has their own "practice" and it's nice to be able to model the things i like and omit the others. i haven't had a bad nurse yet but i've heard some stories.

one of my patients was a homeless man withdrawing from alcohol. he was very agitated and it said he drank a dozen 24-oz per day...that is a lot of beer! there are many patients like this and seeing him only reaffirmed my decision to quit drinking. i don't want to get to that point. i don't think i would become that way, but i don't think he ever thought that either. it really can happen to anyone if they slowly lose that control and let the alcohol take over their lives. it's a harsh disease that affects many people.

TV - just started watching six feet under, it's about a family that owns a mortuary. showtime has the best shows! this one is pretty funny and the family is so dysfunctional it's entertaining. a lot of people are afraid of death or even talking about it. uncomfortable topic, use comedy! i guess working at a nursing home i see a lot of old people die so it doesn't make me too scared. it's a natural part of life and for me, it's nice helping someone to be comfortable at the end. you just have to accept it's going to happen.

#128 - taco thing

i did an experiment. well first i wanted to make quesadillas cause they are yummy. so i pulled out some ingredients for that. then i realized i had a ripe avocado but i didn't want to put it IN the "dilla" so...i made this thing. i made my quesadillas first, with small round corn tortillas, shredded "mexican" cheese (cheddar and pepper jack i think) and frozen corn. i sliced up the avocado, then decided to mash them up instead. added some cilantro, lime and salt. once my quesadillas were done i spread the avocado mixture on half, put some salsa picante, chopped red onions and cilantro on top and VOILA - my taco thing! it was amazingly delicious so i didn't even have a chance to take a photo, but i am thinking of making them again tomorrow for dinner. here is what i used:
4 corn tortillas
2 handfuls of shredded cheese
some frozen corn
cilantro
1/2 avocado
1/2 lime
some salsa
some red onions

i think i have invented something new, or at least new to me. what to call it though...quesadilla tacos?

#127 - night shift

i worked my first night shift. usually i work the day shift (6:30am-3pm) but there weren't enough open shifts this week so i picked up two night shifts (10:30pm-7am). i thought it would be really hard and i was pretty nervous but it ended up fine. i was a little tired at one point around 2-4am but it passed and i got a second wind. the residents mostly sleep and you answer a few call lights but mostly it's chill. i was thinking it might be good to work night shifts because when i become a RN most likely the shifts that i'll be able to get will be those unwanted ones.

it is still amazingly hot in portland, i'm pretty sure it hit 100F today. it's so yucky! i was worried that when i came home i wouldn't be able to sleep because of the heat and light but i got almost 8 hours. it's weird to wake up at 2:45 in the afternoon. i am not sure what kind of schedule i can get on when school starts but i am really wanting to work the night shift. it'll give me time to study when it's quiet and it's nice to be in quiet sometimes. also there are no administrators around so that's a big incentive. i need to figure out how to work nights and still be able to function during the day.

i am a big sweat bug right now. gonna shower, eat some leftover thai food then head to work. this day has been kind of weird, kind of zombie-like. i guess it's just another day. i finished the first season of dexter. there is another one but i think i'm gonna put it on hold for a little while. i started watching the 2nd season of "little mosque on the prairie". this show is funny, it's about a mosque in canada. it's an islamic comedy i guess, i saw the first season on dvd and just found the second on surfthechannel.com, check it out.

school starts in a little over a month. i am actually pretty excited to get started and going again. when i'm not in school or working full time i am kind of in limbo. it seems like i waste a lot of time (watching tv perhaps) and have no purpose. some people find ways to make themselves productive but not me. i'll have class on mondays and fridays and some clinicals thrown in there somewhere. they never tell us ahead of time when our clinicals will be and our class schedule usually changes without them telling us till THAT DAY. i just have to get through it. june 12 is the day, 10 months until i become something else.

#126 - birthday

why does it have to be 100 degrees on my birthday? i'm not sure if it's hit that mark but it's pretty darn close. exhibit A - me in birthday suit. seriously i can't wear clothes in this weather! it's 11 at night and i am sweating. i didn't do much today, it was nice to not work and just relax. my uncle took me out for breakfast then he had to catch a flight back to san diego. when i got home i took a nap and didn't wake up till it was time to hang out with my friend from work. we sat at a french cafe and had coffee and sweets. that's about it. oh and i got my hair cut, it's about time cause it was getting pretty shaggy. i didn't really feel like doing much for my birthday this year. i wasn't feeling it, maybe it's some kind of birthday blues. after all, it's not really special and just another day. another day to look back and realize how much you have or haven't changed in a year.

i can't even think in this heat. tomorrow i work the night shift, 11pm to 7am. it's my first time and i'm not sure i'll be able to handle it. my plan is to stay up late tonight and sleep as long as i can tomorrow. with the heat i am not sure i will be able to sleep very long. i'm actually thinking of going down to the basement to snooze. basements are dark and cool, perfect for sleeping.

i've been watching a lot of tv online. it started when i was introduced to "firefly", a scifi western. it was pretty good but only survived one season so i was kind of left hanging, i don't like that. so i've been trying to find some good shows. "dexter" was recommended by this guy i know. it's a very dark show. it's basically about this guy dexter who is a forensics expert by day and serial killer by night. he only kills people who "deserve it" and it's pretty interesting.


i was halfway through the second season of "the l word" when the site i was using kind of stopped working. so again, i am left hanging. the last season (six) is gonna start in january and i think people are pretty excited. i just heard of it recently but it's pretty interesting. i still have a lot more to watch so i hope the website comes back.

i finished the "grey's anatomy" series through the fourth season, patiently awaiting the fifth in september. i had watched the first 3 but somehow stopped watching the latest one, probably because of school.

one of my favorites is "bones" and season four should be starting this fall as well. i don't have a tv so i rely on the internet for tv watching. once school starts though i will probably have a hard time keeping up. also i like to watch them with limited commercials or none at all. internets are good for this. also "house" is one of my favorites so i'm looking forward to season five of that. there is just so much to watch, so little time.

i used to watch "desperate housewives" but missed the last couple seasons. it kept getting weirder and i'm not sure if i want to revisit it quite yet.

i am thinking the next series i start might be CSI or the sopranos. i haven't seen either and heard good things about both. maybe monk or the office too. well i guess football season will be starting soon also. it's gonna be a busy fall!

okay technically it's not my birthday anymore so i better stop blogging about it. it's OLD news, just like moi! tomorrow is just another day.

#125 - olympics 2008

usually i am all over the olympics. i like to watch as much as i can, even if it's something i find boring like track or it's in the middle of the night. some people enjoy watching other people run around in a circle, personally i find it boring. i don't care if someone can run 100 meters in less than 10 seconds cause if i don't have to run, i'm not gonna! i used to be very patriotic and believed USA should win it all, have the best medal count and all that jazz. did i somehow lose my olympic spirit and national pride? maybe it has to do with the fact that it's so much about marketing and money now, even if they say it's an amateur things with amateur athletes, that is not true. i don't even know if i care that some of them are professionals and get paid to do what they are great at. sure, there will be people who rise from being nobodies to become national heroes. there will be "sure things" who fail and don't live up to expectations of their country and countrymen. people will get up on the podium and cry as the national anthem is played, mouthing the wrong words because they forgot them. there will be (or probably was already) a crazy long opening ceremony with lots of interpretive dancing and music that is culturally relevant and what not. i guess i've always liked winter olympics better but i used to enjoy them all. what happened?

i didn't realize till now how much money and work goes into building and planning for olympics. there are millions of people involved and billions of dollars. they make an olympic "city" in a few years, i guess that's pretty amazing. they clean up the area that it's held in. i heard sydney was a pretty dirty city before the olympics rolled into town. the thing that has been bothering me is i read an article about people who have been displaced because of the olympics. they just get kicked out of their homes because it's now gonna be a stadium, or parking lot, or whatever. they have no choice but to leave. this is unfair, but i guess that is life. sucks.

another thing - tibet. i won't go deep into this issue but i believe that china is slowly crushing and destroying tibet's rich and beautiful culture. tibet's spiritual and political leader, hh dalai lama lives in exile in india and has not even seen his country in the 50 years that china has occupied tibet. it makes me angry and sad because of the atrocities that have taken place at the hand of chinese ruling in tibet. they have not only destroyed monasteries, homes and temples, but also tortured and killed over a million tibetan people, many over religious causes. the chinese government says they are "improving" tibet and putting money into that region to benefit the tibetans but really it encourages more chinese to move "out west".

so i am frustrated and not sure if i will watch any of the olympics. honestly i have a lot more going on right now and don't even have a tv. watching it on tv is so commercialized and over-produced that it's not as fun to watch. you have to sit through a lot of talking in order to watch any athletic action! i'm just not into it this year. i can't wait till vancouver '10 though!

#124 - the good

my day at work was good and bad, mostly just busy/crazy. i will only write about the good though because this moment made my day. we have this resident i will call A. she's about to turn 104, i think. age gets fuzzy once they get so old. so we're sitting there at lunch and i am helping her to eat.

i tell her "A, next week is our birthdays you know?"
she says "oh really?"
i say "yeah you'll be 104"
she says "well it will be my day"
so i say "well what do you want on your special day?"
she answers "i just want to love you"

i love her! she is just such a sweet lady and i almost cried at that moment. i doubt she even really knows who i am, even though i've worked with her for 2.5 years. she's almost blind and pretty hard of hearing. sometimes i think she knows its me by my voice and gentle care but i can never really be sure. she says wonderful things like "you're a jewel" and "you're a beautiful girl" (i take it for what it is cause she's nearly blind).

one hundred and four years old! that's old. working in geriatrics you deal with a lot of old people, they come and go. there are usually people dying every month, some months more than others. A is the one resident that i am attached to and it will destroy me when she goes. i've seen so many die, some went slow and others fast and unexpected. i've gone to a few funerals of those who really impacted me in some way. i spend so much time there and get to know these wonderful people, it's really hard to let go. some of them don't even have a funeral because they have no one.

i have a couple who have been married for decades, probably 60 years or so. they still call each other sweetheart and are always looking for the other. they tell each other "i love you" and honestly, it's one of the most wonderful things. they don't know where they are or what year it is. he is pretty deaf and can't see well, she is kind of crazy (okay, really crazy), but what they do know is their love for one another, and it's beautiful. that's the thing that keeps them going.

and these people i take care of are the reason i keep going back, even though it kills my back and i can't stand some of the people i work with. i am there for the residents because they deserve someone who cares about them. it seems like everyday is a bad day and i say i'm never coming back, and then someone tells me they just want to love me. the thing is, everyone just wants and needs a little love.

#123 - failure and success

i have been reading a book called wooden: a lifetime of observations and reflections on and off the court, by john wooden. coach wooden was an amazing and storied coach and is a popular motivational speaker. he started his collegiate coaching career at indiana state then moved to UCLA where his teams won ten national championships, seven in a row, and had an overall record of 620-147. he coached for nearly twenty years there and no one even comes close to his achievements on the court. he is in the basketball hall of fame as both a player and coach. by these parameters you could say he is very successful but to him success is not national championships or number of games won. he said "try your hardest in all ways and you are a success" and "effort is what counts in everything". this is a man of principles, he was born in 1910 and raised by hard working parents. now this isn't really a post or biography about coach wooden. he is very successful and i could quote his book to fill pages but what i've been thinking about lately is failure and success. when i read my google reader today i came upon this video, which i've seen before:

michael jordan is my favorite athlete, no doubt. no one thinks about his so-called "failures" because he is a winner and a success. it's not so much an issue of half-full or -empty but people makes mistakes and fail at things. it's a fact. you cannot do anything if you do not try it. another wooden quote: "the individual who is mistake-free is also probably sitting around doing nothing". so i say this, what am i doing?! i'm sitting around, mostly cause i'm under the weather and it's way too hot to get anything done but i have been a bit lazy lately.

but i had my first "summer class" today. it's not a real class, i am taking this mandatory "transitional" class for those who failed a class and are left behind. so this class is to get us up to speed with where we should be. today we spend 5 hours in the lab practicing our skills then we have 40 hours in the next two weeks at clinicals. the last time i even touched an IV was probably in november at my last clinical, many months ago. i don't remember how to set up a piggyback. i am sketchy on how to insert a catheter. so these are things i had to work on. how can i be successful when i don't keep my skills up? how can i be successful when i am not putting forth my best effort with all i've got or hanging back waiting for someone to teach me? i cannot. i understand now what i need to do. perhaps that is why i am here in the first place, maybe i was not ready. on grey's anatomy, george o'malley failed his intern exam. so he had to take the whole year over, his friends moved on to become residents and he was still an intern. that is how i feel. my original class is graduating at the end of the month, i've got till next june. oh the horror. BUT, i am back on the horse, learned my lessons, and i will be a success because no one will work harder to achieve their potential than me. i will be a success.

#122 - missy higgins

usually i hear people before i see them live but i saw missy higgings open for mason jennings and i totally fell in love. i already knew it was gonna be a good show cause brett dennen (also awesome!) was playing too. but missy is an amazing singer and i really can't get enough! she's from australia and totally awesome with a beautiful voice and catchy songs. here are a few of my favorites:

"scar" - great energy!


"the special two" - just found this one and love it!


"peachy" - love the video and "life is peachy"


"where i stood" - was in grey's anatomy, totally perfect for the episode.


"greed for love"


"steer" - one of my faves

#121 - stranger than life

i don't even know what that title is about. i think everyone gets a little weird around their birthday. some are scared of getting older but mostly i think we like to re-evaluate ourselves and our accomplishments. a year has passed and so we think about it. i do this at new years also. once i reached my 20s, life started getting better every year. if you ask my favorite age, i'll say it's right now. i'm figuring stuff out every day.

my bday is less than two weeks away and i've come to several conclusions. waking up at 4am on the side of the road kind of does that to you, details are unimportant but let's just say it involved drinking and i really woke up. i love to have fun but usually that means going out with a bunch of people to the bar. it's how i spend a lot of evenings and i enjoy it, it's what people do right? so now in order to avoid doing that i need to think of new things. the thing is i really enjoy beer, especially the microbrews of oregon and the northwest especially. i like going to beer fests and what not. it was one of my hobbies, okay maybe my only hobby besides pseudo sports (in which you get free beer for losing). i will probably watch more movies and i want to read more. i will probably end up being a hermit because most of my friends like to drink, a lot. i don't want to put myself into positions where it is hard to keep promises to myself. it's just easier to stay home than go to a bar with friends and not drink.

so back to my birthday. i've never had anxiety about growing older, probably because i'm still in my 20s. almost to my late 20s but still young. whenever i tell someone they say "oh you're a baby!" and really it's true. so much has changed since my last birthday, i started playing dodgeball for one. also, i have many new and exciting friends. went on an awesome trip and had a few new hairstyles... but many things are the same. i live in the same room in the same house. i work at the same job. i have a lot of same, great friends. but i am barely farther than i was in school last birthday. some would say being in the same house and same job are good things but it makes me antsy. not many understand that antsy feeling; i like change i guess. last year for the "special day" i went to the coast, hung out with family/friends, ate moroccan salsa and greek pasta salad all day, went to the river to swim and drink beers, and had a great day. it was just the sort of birthday i like, no expectations, just hanging out and having a good time.

this year my uncle (also a leo) is coming to town from san diego so we will be having a birthday dinner and hang out. i'm not really sure what i want to do to celebrate with my friends though. in all reality it is just another day and nothing special in the big scheme of things but i am a year older and it was a better year than the last. you can't go wrong with the making and eating of good food with good friends though, i'm thinking maybe mexican.