#175 - reading books

i like reading books. right now i am on the lookout for books to put on "the list". i also have a list for movies, it's a long one. i've been reading a lot of random things, i read obama's first book and it was real good so i want to read the other one. right now i'm reading "junky" by william s. burroughs, it's about a heroin addict. not something i relate to very much but it's interesting.

so why am i reading all these books? basically, i have a big test coming up. whenever i have big important things to do (like studying) i tend to find other more important things to do. i am reading my own books, getting my hands on whatever other books i can (friend's books) and even reading books i've already read. i enjoy reading and will start any book once or twice to see if i can get into it. if i read a few chapters, 20-30 pages and do not get into it, i usually put it down. and then there are those other books i pick up and read it without putting it down at all, not even to sleep. (harry potter!)

last year i had a list of 50 books to read. i think i read about five of them since i made the list. i got kind of tired of the classics and wanted to read different things, eventually i totally forgot about the list. for instance, i tried a few times to read "ulysses" by james joyce. it is at the top of many top 100 book lists. i just could not get into it. i will try again later.

so basically i want some suggestions for books. my friend is giving me a stack of her books, which includes some on my list of 50. also one she recommends is "a thousand splendid suns" by khaled hosseini who also wrote "kite runner" which i think i liked. i maybe didn't like the ending but i hear this new one is better.

anyway, my posts lately have been pretty lame. no pictures, nothing that interesting, nothing too in-depth or thought provoking. maybe when i'm done with this term. i am having my last school test ever...in 11 days. it's about pregnancy/OB stuff and GI. not really my strongest subjects but i will do my best. i will be "studying hard" the next 11 days....or reading.

#174 - i want spring

yesterday morning i walked out the door and there was snow on the ground. yes, this is still february but it's the portland metro area, it should only snow ONCE A YEAR! it has been such a crazy winter and i am so ready for spring. i've never had spring fever like this before. it's such a tease because the sun keep peeking out and some days are clear as can be (but cold). it hasn't rained much this year and so it's just been strange.

i am totally ready for spring. i want to go on bike rides, have picnics, take a hike, enjoy the sun, be outside and feel healthy/good. the winter has been long! winter is a good excuse to stay inside and do indoor things. i am a wimp and realize that i can do all those above things (except maybe picnics and sun) during the winter...i just don't want to. it is sunny today and may get warm but i am ready for some consistency. maybe the same weather for two days in a row...it may be a reach but hey, that's what i want!

i'm working on and finalizing my taxes right now. i've had them almost done for awhile, just been putting them off. had a big test (which i bonked on), clinicals, school and a bunch of other stuff (dodgeball) so i just didn't finish. i've been playing dodgeball a lot, 3 nights a week of team play, not just pickup. it's such a huge commitment and has become kind of a drag. once i am there it's fun and cool but some days it takes an hour to get there and an hour home so it gets to be long days. still, i enjoy hitting people with rubber balls.

i've been a little under the weather for the past couple weeks too so i think if it were sunny i would be feeling better. plus right now i am at the library sitting next to some smelly dude. i wanna hurl. so i think i'll end this here, now. please....sun....soon!

#173 - lent, again

it seems like it's always lent. well it is here once again, on wednesday. i didn't really give it much thought this year, as i have already given up shopping for 2009. that is going really well, haven't bought anything except food and 1 gift for someone. i think this year instead of focusing on the giving up of something i will do another part of it, which is the getting closer to god part.

i am not catholic or even christian, i like to think i'm kind of buddhist. so why do i even practice lent? i don't know. why do i practice gift-giving at christmas? i am a damn conformist! i'm not going around with an ash cross on my head on wednesday but i do love the idea of lent. i started in college and just kept doing it every year. 40 days is a pretty long time and if you can do anything for that long it kind of becomes a habit. then if i like it i will continue and if not, well it was good for those 40.

this year i will practice my spirituality and do things to get closer to god. while for more people this means prayer, for me i think i will try different things. i will try to pray (i've tried it before....not so much) but i really want to do some meditation. i may even try some yoga again. the idea for me is to do something everyday to get me in touch with my spiritual nature and the god within me. it may include reading spiritual literature or listening to a buddhist podcast.

i am going to do buddhist things for a christian tradition. i like to mix my religions up! so anyway, that's my plan for lent. pray, meditate, yoga, read, listen, spiritualize!

on a totally unrelated note, i watched a great movie yesterday called "into the wild" it's based on a book by jon krakauer (also wrote "into thin air"). it's based on a true story about a guy who basically goes to alaska to live in the wilderness and be free of society and its rules. he burned the last of his money, hitchhiked around, rode trains, met people, lived life and ultimately he chose solitude. the soundtrack was amazing, music by eddie vedder. the main character was played by emile hersh who is quickly becoming one of my fave new actors (he also played alongside oscar-winner sean penn in "milk"). i'd definitely recommend it!

#172 - kids

kids are interesting. this morning, on my way to school, there was a cute little indian boy on the bus. he was sitting on the seat in front of me with his mom, who only spoke indian. he was probably about 2ish and kept looking at me. i smiled and then we proceeded to play peek-a-boo for about 10 minutes. it was pure, unadulterated fun. simple and pure. he made me smile! it was a nice way to start the day. it's funny how kids can play peek-a-boo so long, or even hide-and-seek. i once played hide-and-seek for 2 hours non-stop. it was exhausting! i guess peek-a-boo crosses cultural lines as well. anyway, it was cute.

i always assumed i would have kids. my parents were 24 and 25 when they had me, so obviously i'm older than they were. i can't even imagine having kids at that age. i'm definitely not ready now yet. i go back and forth on wanting kids almost everyday so by that comment i'm definitely not ready. a lot of people don't think about these things. i mean that lady that had octuplets...crazy. she already had 6 kids and is on federal aid (not that there is anything wrong with that..). she doesn't work and i've heard is going to lose her house. you already have 6 kids then go through in vitro to have 8 more?! what is wrong with this lady? i know there are religions that do not allow contraception but obviously this was not a religious thing. the way i see it, each parent only has so much time and energy. so say you have 2 parents. you can only fully give one kid your whole energy at a time, so that means 2 kids at most. my parents only had 2 kids, it was enough i think. we each got attention, even though i tried to get more for myself. (it's a leo thing)

mostly i want my sister to have kids soon. i want to be an aunty! then i can play with the kids and dress them up, spoil them and not have to raise them. i would definitely need to be closer to her when she has them. of course she is not married yet so it's probably not going to happen that soon. my grandma has been telling both of us we don't need to get married before having kids, cause she wants us to have them soon while she's still around. i laugh everytime she says this, it's a very un-grandma like thing to say, especially since she's pretty conservative. of course i want to make my grandma happy but not at the expense of my life. once you have kids, your independent adult life is over, as you know it. it's the biggest commitment you could ever make. i'm not against commitment but this is huge. parents have so much influence over the outcome of the kids' lives. sometimes they don't realize how much. although my upbringing was not bad, i can attribute a lot of things to things that happened or did not happen. although i have grandiose ideas that i would be the best parent ever, it's not a good idea yet. i want to be a little more stable myself.

what a weird post that is all over the place. that's my mind today.

#171 - honoring her

today we did a module on post-mortem care. we cleaned the body (mannequin) and fixed it up so it could be taken to the morgue. these are things i'll have to do as a nurse. these are things i've been doing as a CNA. recently many people have been dying, they kind of come in waves. usually it is in series of 3's. anyway, one of our ladies was 103 (i previously wrote about her that she was 104, oops) and died a couple weeks ago. i looked in the obits everyday (something that old people do) to find hers. it wasn't until today (18 days later) that it appeared.

Aili (Enegren) Knox
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Oregonian
Aug. 17, 1905 - Jan. 29, 2009
Aili was born in Coos Bay. She worked as a public school teacher.
Survived by several nieces and nephews.
No service will be held. Arrangements by Holman's Funeral Service.

i'm kind of upset and sad for this obit, i mean this lady was amazing. sure she kind of lost her marbles at the end but she was amazing nonetheless. give her a service, put in an obit right away (sometimes i see them as early as 5 days later), write a little more about her, and at least honor her someway publicly. this made me really sad. if i were to write about her, i would've said something like this:

aili was born in coos bay to a loving mother and "dad", she enjoyed life in coos bay and growing up in the outdoors. she enjoyed her family and career as a school teacher. she especially loved the children. one of her passions was flying, which was quite unusual for a lady of her times. she lived her life to its fullest and openly gave love away to everyone she met. she truly enjoyed the company of other people and always had a smile on her face. she will be missed dearly.

i guess this will have to do. i wish i had some pictures to share of her (but that would be violating HIPPA) and could remember more stories. i guess i will always have that with me. death and dying are such emotional subjects that i have to talk about in school a lot. i will be faced with this in my career so much. i enjoy getting to know these old people and their lives. it's interesting to learn about what they were like and what they have become, usually it is totally different. we just lost another resident on friday. he was one of my favorites and i knew it was coming. he had pneumonia and was just going downhill. i will always remember him because he was a singer. we'd tell him "do you have rhythm?" and he'd answer singing "i've got rhythm!" then we'd request another song like "old man river" or "i've been working on the railroad". he had this deep voice and would really get into it. he'd do the whole vibratto thing and it was just so cute! i knew he wasn't going to get better when he started saying "i don't have music in me today" when i requested a certain song. he was just a really neat guy.

my mom always tells me i should keep a journal of old people stories. i should, and maybe it would make it easier to let go. it's so hard to let go cause these people become like family. i mourn them just as i would an old aunty or uncle. i feel like i'm actually closer to them though because i take care of them and see them more. i should try to spend more time with my grandparents. each year is one year closer and you never know when you'll lose them. they are important.

i hate to be debby downer with my sad blogs about death and dying but it's been on my mind since she died. i just want people to remember her as i do. i think she deserves it!

#170 - valentine's day

i don't like valentine's day. i don't know what the origins of it are particularly. i think maybe it has to do with some saint? well whatever it started as, it's totally different now. i am not being bitter for having done nothing for that day but i have never really liked it. even when i was in a relationship or even when i got a dozen roses from a friend (that was really sweet!) i am just not big on the idea of it. it is basically consumerism at its finest. you have to show your bf/gf/spouse/lover how much you love them by showering them with gifts (diamonds!), chocolates, roses, and nice dinner. how shallow and lame. people have all kinds of expectations for the day and when it doesn't work out, they are disappointed. sure, who doesn't love getting gifts? it is nice to get all these things, but wouldn't it be more awesome if it was given on a totally separate day, when it is not expected? when society isn't telling you to buy all these things?

it's all so fake to me. pick a random day and surprise me. i'm not into diamonds so much but chocolate and flowers are always a plus! do i sound bitter? i hope not, that's not my intention and i don't think i'm bitter. i just think it's lame that the holiday is so commercialized. it's not even a real holiday but it seems like people only shower their loved ones on days they are expected to, v-day, birthdays, xmas. be a little more creative people!

i guess everything nowadays is commercialized and consumerism is all-important. since the economy is bad, we should stimulate it. what a concept. instead of watching our spending and living within our means we should go out and buy stuff. i like holidays where buying stuff isn't a big part of it, like thanksgiving. pretty simply, turkey day is getting together with family to eat and be thankful. and of course they try to commercialize it. it bugs me.

i spent the day giving love to the old people at my work, dressed everyone in red or pink (haha), and hanging out with friends. it was a good day and i felt the love. i didn't need anyone to buy me flowers cause i could appreciate all the flowers that the old people got from their relatives (but did they visit? hell no). i even enjoyed looking at the lilies that give me allergies. i ate chocolate too, why not?! it was good times and perhaps someday i will get flowers and a lovely romantic dinner...on a random day cause it's more awesome.

#169 - old age

i know, i'm not old yet. i shouldn't whine about my age, i'm in my prime. but i feel old! my body creaks and i have a sore back. when i bend down to pick something up my knees creak/pop and i always groan. when i did this in front of a patient she's like "you sound as old as me". i felt it too that day. maybe it's hanging out with all these old people that rubs off on me. they might be 60 years older than me but i feel connected to them. i like old people, they are funny. maybe i should call them "geriatrics" or "seniors" but i just like to say "old people". whatever.

i've been working at the nursing home for 3 years now and one of my favorite people just died. she was one of the most amazing people i've met and although she has dementia she was cool. she was a teacher and flew airplanes for fun, most exciting of all she lived to be 104. i've asked all my 100-year old patients at one time or another how they did it or how they feel about reaching that point. they kind of shrug it off as if it's no big deal. from what i can tell though, in order to make it to that age you need to be good-humored, friendly, positive and enjoy life, or more specifically enjoy the small things in life. most of them have outlived their friends and family, which is really sad. so anyway, this 104 year old lady was my favorite. her birthday was 3 days after mine and so i asked her "so, our birthdays are coming up in a few days, how should we celebrate?" she thought for awhile and she said "all i really want to do is love you". i just about lost it right there, i mean it was just so sweet i wanted to melt. that is why i still work there i guess.

although i love the old people and working with them makes my life better, i don't want to work there as a nurse. maybe i am selfish and want to have a more exciting job. i think i would lose all my skills also. mostly i think if i worked there i'd just become older, faster. i'm already physically feeling old. sometimes i feel like i think like an old person (it's 5:00, time for dinner). i've told a bunch of people that if my favorite patient (above) were to die that i'd quit my job. of course i'm not gonna do that but i just feel like something is missing there now. i am still mourning and it's been 2 weeks. there has not been an obituary/funeral for her yet so i'm really kind of annoyed at her family. the woman lived a great life of 104 years, please honor her life, DAMMIT! maybe it was a private funeral or something but at least just run a free obit in the paper. i'll just have to sort out my feelings on my own i guess.

although old people might be crazy (most of them are!) they have a lot to offer. not only the wisdom that comes with age but perspective from another generation. these people have been through so much it's amazing. many of them are lonely and have been living at the facility for awhile. some of have lost their marbles and only repeat the same lines over and over ("it's good work if you can get it, you can get it if you try"). i feel sorry for them a lot of the time but try to be more than just their caregiver when i work with them. anyone can wipe an ass, not everyone can care for people. so i guess i learn a lot from work. alls i know is that i don't want any of my relatives in a place like that. i'll admit the one i work at is a pretty swanky place but as much as it is nice, it's not home and i don't know if you can ever be comfortable there. family may come visit often, but it's not the same.

that's it. don't get old.