#189 - JUNE

i haven't written anything in a month! i've been busy and i promise there was some excitement. first of all, i finished school and graduated! yeehaw now i am waiting to take my NCLEX, the national board exam for nursing. after i pass that i will be a RN. my parents, sister and uncle all came up from hawaii to visit and participate in my graduation ceremony. it was awesome. unfortunately, no pictures of graduation yet. sorry.

my big june event was a trip to alaska on a cruise ship! it was my first cruise and while maybe not the last, i don't think i'll be going on another anytime soon. it was a lot to take in, for sure. especially when it came to eating. most of the meals are included in the price, unless you want a fancier meal, then it is $10-$25 set price. we ate a lot at the market cafe, which was buffet style. towards the end we started eating more in the restaurants but you could still order as many appetizers and stuff that you wanted. it was a lot of eating, what we are really good at!

it was cool cause i got to spend a lot of time with my sister, who i miss a lot. we get along fantastically. i also spent a lot of time with my parents. it was nice but a little cramped. we all shared one room and i slept on a bunk! it was interesting and i wish we had two rooms. it would have been a lot more expensive tho i think. there was a lot to do on the ship, a lot of which i did not partake in - crazy dance parties, a pool and hot tubs, casino, bingo (played once). we did go to all the night time shows though, with the jean ann ryan company. they did 3 shows - andrew lloyd webber tribute, cirque pacific, and "band on the run" 70's. it was really neat and we saw the chinese all-star acrobats, which was badass! another awesome thing was the magic show! shawn farquar is a two time world magic champion and he was awesome! here is one of his best card tricks, it's amazing!


we did four different outings off the ship in different ports of call. one of the best was the glacier day. we went to see mendenhall glacier by taking a bus ride from juneau. the glacier was cool but it was far away, i thought we'd get closer but i suppose it is better if people stay far away from them.i also wanted to see the glacier calving, which is when big chunks fall off. but we did not get to see that unfortunately. too bad, but what we did see was maybe even better...a BEAR! it was a baby i think and who knows where the mother was. i was standing at a lookout trying to get a picture of the glacier when i look down and there is a bear! i said "oh my god!" and screamed like a girl. that probably wasn't the best idea but that's what happened. the bear didn't even notice me or the other people around. he was 10-15 feet away from me, only a 3-foot cement wall separating us. oh man it was scary!after that experience nothing was going to be awesome so we got back on the ship and went on our merry way. the plan was to go see sawyer glacier but for whatever reason it was not accessible, so we went up a different fjord and set sail for dawes glacier. it took over 2 hours and everytime there was a little bend in the road we thought it would be around the corner! it took forever and the scenery didn't change much. it was cold and rainy and we were standing on the bow so all the wind was going right into our frozen faces. it was pretty spectacular though.we also had stops in ketchikan, skagway and prince rupert, canada. we went on a scenic train ride in the yukon area and learned about the gold rush. basically there was gold in alaska and so a bunch of men went there to get some. what do a bunch of men need? a bunch of women. so in every gold rush town there were lots of brothels. we went on a tour of one...that's all i remember about skagway. my sister and i nicknamed it "skankway". and if you get a chance to go to prince rupert, canada - don't. there is nothing there! we're still not sure why we stopped there. so that was my trip.

now i am back in portland, studying for my exam and moving (again!). also i have to look for a RN job and start working. yikes! for all those who have been hounding me for a picture of my bf, here is one of me and jeremy at a park. we had just finished a big meal of sushi and were hanging out in the sun.

#188 - freedom

i'm so close i can smell the freedom. this must be what people in prison feel like right before they get out. anticipation of what's ahead. an insecurity of self. excitement of the endless possibilities. it feels good but at the same time i have a lot of anxiety. i've been in nursing school since january 07 and doing prerequisites for a couple years before that. so i'm used to being in school while working a couple jobs. but mostly i'm used to being in school. it's a kind of comfort yet it is a commitment. a commitment i am almost free of! no more teachers, no more books, something and dirty looks. i am so glad.

this brings up another kind of freedom though, one that i'm losing. i've been floating along for a couple years and i'm used to working whenever i want. having two on-call jobs i can usually work as much or little as i want avoiding holidays and administrators, which is definitely a luxury. i will be starting out on-call at my nursing home after training for a number of days, once i get my license. this will pay the bills for awhile but i certainly don't want to work there forever. i might get stuck. this means i will probably have to find a full time job. yuck! while full time in the hospital will probably mean three 12-hour shifts, its still kind of constricting. really committing myself three times a week for awhile sounds horrible. having to work holidays, weekends and pretty much any time they tell me to. ugh! being tied down, yuck.

good thing is i will have more free time. bottom line, more free time. i have to remember that. school took up so much time and while it will be worth it in the end (10 days from now) but it was a long process i am glad to be done. i will be able to hit the gym again and maybe even sleep in a few days a week. these are things i am looking forward to in my "freedom" summer. i will have to devote a lot of time to studying for my NCLEX but ultimately it is on my time and no one will be making me do it. i will pass the test, i know this. once i pass the test then it's on. i can be hired, trained, work and all that jazz. all the paperwork is done, it's time to wait.

oh and i also have to move. another freedom because i will be getting rid of stuff and simplifying again, of course. i have boxes yet unpacked since i moved into my apt in november. it will be gone. i need to figure out how to best get rid of these things because i don't want to add to the landfills but i doubt anyone will want any of it. it's junk. junk in my trunk. i have 33 days to find a place to live that is preferably close to where i am now, in a basement or otherwise not too hot, has an actual stove, and is decently priced. good luck with that, me.

#187 - RIP hector

in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (may 24), hector "the projector" passed away. he had been sick for awhile, with his body no longer producing blood cells. he was anemic and perhaps had some kind of doggy leukemia. i don't know and i guess i don't really need to. he is gone, that's all that matters. he was getting blood transfusions a few times a week so that his levels would go up, and it seemed to be doing him good. but he stopped giving kisses a long time ago and just was not himself.while he may not be suffering anymore, it is hard to say he is in a better place because that place is without me. i am without him. i had not seen him in a long time but his picture on my wall is usually one of the last things i see before i go to sleep. the one with the sombrero. he definitely did not like that hat but we made him wear it for the picture.he was one special dog. special in many ways. in my opinion he was one of the sweetest, loving dogs in the world and definitely my favorite after Niki. he gave the smallest, cutest, perfect kisses. never too much tongue and he didn't try to stick it in your mouth. it was just sweet. to me, he was gentle and kind. he wasn't my dog but he was so special to me and will always be.yes, there are those who hector did not warm up to (most people) who mostly got growled at and even a special few who got love bites. it took him awhile to trust i guess. once you earned that, he was yours forever. he is my forever friend.this dog would eat anything but especially liked chicken, which Mike would always have in his truck for hector, his best friend. they always went to work together and hector would run around the house looking for trouble or some blue tape to eat. he loved to eat tape.i remember when hector was just a baby, four short years ago. he was very curious but kind of wary of new things. he was always a cuddler. all i can think about is how much of a lover hector was. it's hard for me to think of going to the coast and hector not being there to greet me. when i go to the beach he won't be there chasing or barking at birds/dogs/people. when i'm lying on the couch he won't be there trying to jump up on it with me. i say "try" because as a small, fat chihuahua he didn't think he could make it up. so usually i would just pick him up and set him next to me.indeed, i will miss hector forever. i don't know why he became so special to me but that is doggy love. he knows things about me that most people don't because i told him. he loved me no matter what and it goes both ways. he can't do no wrong. even now, i can't blame him. while i do feel some guilt for not being there when he was sick, i can't blame myself. i am just sad and i will miss him. he was a part of me and i would've given my arm/leg/butt cheek for him. hector, such a good dog!

#186 - i want out

i want to get out of here! don't get me wrong, i love portland and my life is pretty darn good right now but i want out...i want to travel. i'm getting the itch pretty bad. i think what makes it worse is the thought that i will be getting a full time job pretty soon. i hate the idea of being tied down. i have been working on-call for the past couple years, so i say when i am available and when i am not. i can say i don't want to work for the month of june or whatever. it's the bomb.

last summer i went to mexico and guatemala, it was an amazing experience and once i was back i just wanted to leave again. it was a month-long trip but i wanted more. i am not into having just two weeks off a year as your "vacation". i don't like the idea of having to plan a trip within the confines of 14 days. lame! i just do not want to work a full time job. i think that is the expectation. most places do not want to hire you unless you have experience. they also do not want to know you are going to leave after making X amount of money so you could travel to ___ for X amount of time. so i cannot tell anyone that, shh....

mostly i want to travel the world. i want to see everything. unfortunately i know i will never be able to do that. at this point there are several places that i must see before i die. there are different reasons but i've got a few trips in my head that i must do, in order to see these places.

SOUTHEAST ASIA i am totally drawn to this area right now, i don't know if its the culture, food or landscape but it just seems AWESOME! places and things in order of importance:

• thailand - songkran in april - it's a new years festival where everyone throws water on each other. plus, i could eat all the pad thai and som tum i want. for cheap, like thai food should be! a thai tattoo would be cool too.
• laos - while not many people i know have been there, i have heard it is cool and will definitely get there
• vietnam - again, food is key here. phở is the bomb.
• cambodia seems wild
• malaysia - my parents went there and said it was fun but pretty grossly humid.
• indonesia would be neat to go to

ITALY i feel italian sometimes. i could seriously eat italian food all day, everyday. i'm not exaggerating. i think in another life i was italian. while i mostly want to eat my way through italy, there are also a number of things i want to see/do there: rome, vatican, sicily, venice, tuscany, abruzzo, florence...basically everywhere. i want to see art and learn italian. i want to push the leaning tower over.

BACKPACK EUROPE this is separate from my trip to italy. i want to do the whole backpacking thing, taking the eurorail and sleeping in hostels. not sure where i want to start and end but i know i want to go through the chunnel! i'm guessing i will start in great britain - england, ireland, scotland. i need to golf in scotland and swim in lake guinness in ireland. then on to france, portugal, spain, germany, netherlands, austria, czech. not necessarily in that order or equal time in those places. there are obviously lots of things to see there. i'll need many months and moneys.

SOUTH AMERICA/CENTRAL AMERICA, again i will forget my two spanish phrases if i don't go there soon. oh dear. first, see motorcycle diaries, then you will know what i want to do in south america. basically i want to travel the continent, as it is "all one america". i want to see iguaza falls, go down the amazon river, go to carnival in brazil, rain forests, mountains, oceans, people, food, etc. i want to speak spanish and i guess maybe i could learn a few phrases in portuguese as well. chile and argentina sound like awesome countries!

AFRICA duh.

#185 - what i want

i'm thinking about what i want my life to be like. i'm thinking about the future. i'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, wasting time. it's not that i am bored and have nothing to do. i have tons of things to do, but i need to get this thing for school done. it's an online tutorial and i need to do 2.5 hours every 2 weeks. of course it's due friday and i didn't start till today. so i've spent the last 100 minutes clicking back and forth between the timed tutorial and various online activities (facebook, myspace, etc). i've still got another 50 minutes to spend on this.

i hate wasting time, especially when i don't have much free time. coffee shops get boring after an hour or so and i forgot my ipod. *sad mac face* i am really looking forward to more free time this summer. having a somewhat regular schedule will be nice. having multiple days off a week will be nice.

i really can't complain much right now. i have a job, i pay most of my bills, i have a house (until july 5), i'm almost an RN, i am enjoying clinicals, i play dodgeball and kickball, i have an awesome relationship, portland rocks, and it's good. but...i still complain! i'm congested (maybe allergies), tired, it's raining, i work too much, i have no free time, not enough money, i've been eating crap and time flies. overall i'm happy but those little things are annoying.

so this summer will be exciting. PLANS - i'm going on an alaskan cruise (june 20-27) and house sitting at the coast (july 9-17). i'll be taking my NCLEX (and passing!) some time in july. i'll also be moving somewhere in july. moving is never that much fun but i like to do it anyway. who wants to stay in the same place too long? get a new job, preferably at providence on 2G! whoo! my clinicals there have just been awesome and it's a great working environment. busy and interesting. draft league dodgeball, something i haven't done yet. you sign up and get picked up on a team, then play with cool peeps you haven't played with before! awesome! bike rides when it gets sunny more consistently. other than that, who knows what this summer holds for me.

maybe i'll start some new hobbies. maybe i'll have time to workout. maybe i'll cook more. maybe i'll garden. maybe i'll become president. who knows..and besides me, who cares?!

i want to say i will continue my "no buying" thing but i just don't know if i can. i want... i want a new laptop, mine takes about 20 minutes to start up and get going. it still works but i want to smash it to pieces. my desktop is just as slow starting and i don't even have it connected to the internets. i'm pretty sure they both have viruses. my laptop needs a new battery, it only lasts about 10 minutes off AC power. so i could spend money to fix them...or buy a macbook...heheif i do cave, it will be on a new laptop. that's all i can think about. i have too much clothes and other things that i would've normally spent frivolously on. i'm over buying stuff for the sake of it and to make me feel better. i would probably get buyers remorse now, something i've never really had previously. it hasn't been that hard not to buy things. i am pretty stubborn afterall. if i make a decision to do or not to do something, then it's done and done. whatever the reasons may be.

#184 - right now

i figure i should blog. haven't done so in awhile and not really doing anything important right now. there is about 5 hours until i have some kind of commitment (dodgeball) and although there are OTHER things i could be doing, i'm just sitting here with my laptop. things are still busy with me but going really well i guess.

clinicals are badass. being at the hospital is kind of fun and i can totally see myself there in the future, if they have jobs. the whole nursing shortage-hiring freeze dilemma is dumb. no makey sensey. but that is the truth and that's where we are at right now.

monday was tattoo day. the day of the dead has always been interesting for me. it's basically a holiday to remember dead people and celebrate their lives. i guess it's similar to the japanese obon season. here in america, death is kind of taboo. we don't talk about it enough and so we don't really celebrate it. we don't talk about the deceased. i think talking about it is therapeutic. i'm around death/dying a lot working in the nursing home. memorial day is coming up and they do a memorial day service for all the people who've died since last year. it's a nice thing that they do there and we can write down some interesting memories we have of the people. i've never been to the service but it seems very nice. funerals give people a time and place to mourn that is socially acceptable. society says we have to accept a death and move on but it takes time for most people. we are human afterall.

i guess i am entering the homestretch. let's see...a month and 5 days until graduation. it is getting close folks!! i am just about halfway through my clinicals, learning a lot everyday and getting used to the long 12-hour shifts. it's not all that bad if i keep eating throughout the day and have lots of coffee to start it off. i'm not sure if coffee keeps me awake or if it's the adrenaline of things. i think even if i'm tired, if something is interesting/cool/exciting then i can definitely stay up without coffee. but...coffee is so good! i tried to quit drinking it for a time but that was dumb. it's soothing and yummy, and people like to socialize over it. it's easy to "meet for coffee", especially since there are so many coffee shops around town!

the other day i did meet someone for grilled cheese sandwiches. we went to the grilled cheese grill on ne alberta. they do have the classic plain grilled cheese but you can get all kinds of additions, and you can get it with the crusts cut off! haha but i got one with four cheeses ("the gabby") and bacon. c'mon, you know you want it!

#183 - hormones?

i've never really been a big "baby" person. it's not the one thing i want to do with my life. i don't really understand those people who just want to pop them out one after another. no offense to you who do, but it's not for me. i always assumed i would have kids, two of them. the same as i'd assume i would go to college, work, and get married. are they cultural or societal expectations? sure. parental? probably. the thought of doing something other than settling down is unsettling for some. to a certain extent it is also unsettling for me but there are a lot of things i have to do before that even becomes an issue. now that i am close to being done with school (again) forever i am thinking about the future. i went into nursing thinking it was a sure thing, of course there are jobs! now with the recession all i hear about are the hiring freezes at hospitals and pushing nurses to the limits.

so back to the baby thing. i was never one of those nursing students who wanted to go into OB/GYN or pediatrics. yuck, i don't want anything to do with pregnant women and crying babies! i want patients who i can converse with who aren't crazy on hormones! i managed to get through school with only 24 hours of experience with such patients, WHEW! we did have quite extensive education on pregnancy and such but i never paid much attention. recently though, maybe it is the warm weather, my hormones, or age, i have been thinking about babies. ack! i see babies and moms with babies and dads with babies and it's just so darn cute! how could you not want one? and then i smack myself upside the head and remind myself, "oh yeah, there is a ton of stuff still to do sans baby". DUH!

my grandma wants me or my sister to have kids, she wants great grandkids! we are the only grandkids so we're the only hope. i keep telling my sister that she should be first since she's had her bf for awhile and you know they're getting married someday. speed it up! i would love more to be an aunty at this point than a mom so...anyway when i argued my gm that i'm not even married she said AND I QUOTE "you don't need to be married!" most of the time grandmothers encourage marriage before babies, right?! or am i crazy?

anyway, this is the closest to baby fever as i am gonna allow myself to get. it's just not healthy. i'll just stare at people with them. i'm not even going to hold them, it might be contagious.

***EDIT*** i just posted this a few minutes ago, i know. i went back looking through my blog cause i KNEW i wrote something on babies before. so guess what, two months ago i wrote this about kids. last year, almost exactly a year, i wrote this little piece on babies. so then i was thinking well it must be a spring thing. i am a little creeped out by all this.