#188 - freedom

i'm so close i can smell the freedom. this must be what people in prison feel like right before they get out. anticipation of what's ahead. an insecurity of self. excitement of the endless possibilities. it feels good but at the same time i have a lot of anxiety. i've been in nursing school since january 07 and doing prerequisites for a couple years before that. so i'm used to being in school while working a couple jobs. but mostly i'm used to being in school. it's a kind of comfort yet it is a commitment. a commitment i am almost free of! no more teachers, no more books, something and dirty looks. i am so glad.

this brings up another kind of freedom though, one that i'm losing. i've been floating along for a couple years and i'm used to working whenever i want. having two on-call jobs i can usually work as much or little as i want avoiding holidays and administrators, which is definitely a luxury. i will be starting out on-call at my nursing home after training for a number of days, once i get my license. this will pay the bills for awhile but i certainly don't want to work there forever. i might get stuck. this means i will probably have to find a full time job. yuck! while full time in the hospital will probably mean three 12-hour shifts, its still kind of constricting. really committing myself three times a week for awhile sounds horrible. having to work holidays, weekends and pretty much any time they tell me to. ugh! being tied down, yuck.

good thing is i will have more free time. bottom line, more free time. i have to remember that. school took up so much time and while it will be worth it in the end (10 days from now) but it was a long process i am glad to be done. i will be able to hit the gym again and maybe even sleep in a few days a week. these are things i am looking forward to in my "freedom" summer. i will have to devote a lot of time to studying for my NCLEX but ultimately it is on my time and no one will be making me do it. i will pass the test, i know this. once i pass the test then it's on. i can be hired, trained, work and all that jazz. all the paperwork is done, it's time to wait.

oh and i also have to move. another freedom because i will be getting rid of stuff and simplifying again, of course. i have boxes yet unpacked since i moved into my apt in november. it will be gone. i need to figure out how to best get rid of these things because i don't want to add to the landfills but i doubt anyone will want any of it. it's junk. junk in my trunk. i have 33 days to find a place to live that is preferably close to where i am now, in a basement or otherwise not too hot, has an actual stove, and is decently priced. good luck with that, me.