#187 - RIP hector

in the wee hours of the morning yesterday (may 24), hector "the projector" passed away. he had been sick for awhile, with his body no longer producing blood cells. he was anemic and perhaps had some kind of doggy leukemia. i don't know and i guess i don't really need to. he is gone, that's all that matters. he was getting blood transfusions a few times a week so that his levels would go up, and it seemed to be doing him good. but he stopped giving kisses a long time ago and just was not himself.while he may not be suffering anymore, it is hard to say he is in a better place because that place is without me. i am without him. i had not seen him in a long time but his picture on my wall is usually one of the last things i see before i go to sleep. the one with the sombrero. he definitely did not like that hat but we made him wear it for the picture.he was one special dog. special in many ways. in my opinion he was one of the sweetest, loving dogs in the world and definitely my favorite after Niki. he gave the smallest, cutest, perfect kisses. never too much tongue and he didn't try to stick it in your mouth. it was just sweet. to me, he was gentle and kind. he wasn't my dog but he was so special to me and will always be.yes, there are those who hector did not warm up to (most people) who mostly got growled at and even a special few who got love bites. it took him awhile to trust i guess. once you earned that, he was yours forever. he is my forever friend.this dog would eat anything but especially liked chicken, which Mike would always have in his truck for hector, his best friend. they always went to work together and hector would run around the house looking for trouble or some blue tape to eat. he loved to eat tape.i remember when hector was just a baby, four short years ago. he was very curious but kind of wary of new things. he was always a cuddler. all i can think about is how much of a lover hector was. it's hard for me to think of going to the coast and hector not being there to greet me. when i go to the beach he won't be there chasing or barking at birds/dogs/people. when i'm lying on the couch he won't be there trying to jump up on it with me. i say "try" because as a small, fat chihuahua he didn't think he could make it up. so usually i would just pick him up and set him next to me.indeed, i will miss hector forever. i don't know why he became so special to me but that is doggy love. he knows things about me that most people don't because i told him. he loved me no matter what and it goes both ways. he can't do no wrong. even now, i can't blame him. while i do feel some guilt for not being there when he was sick, i can't blame myself. i am just sad and i will miss him. he was a part of me and i would've given my arm/leg/butt cheek for him. hector, such a good dog!

#186 - i want out

i want to get out of here! don't get me wrong, i love portland and my life is pretty darn good right now but i want out...i want to travel. i'm getting the itch pretty bad. i think what makes it worse is the thought that i will be getting a full time job pretty soon. i hate the idea of being tied down. i have been working on-call for the past couple years, so i say when i am available and when i am not. i can say i don't want to work for the month of june or whatever. it's the bomb.

last summer i went to mexico and guatemala, it was an amazing experience and once i was back i just wanted to leave again. it was a month-long trip but i wanted more. i am not into having just two weeks off a year as your "vacation". i don't like the idea of having to plan a trip within the confines of 14 days. lame! i just do not want to work a full time job. i think that is the expectation. most places do not want to hire you unless you have experience. they also do not want to know you are going to leave after making X amount of money so you could travel to ___ for X amount of time. so i cannot tell anyone that, shh....

mostly i want to travel the world. i want to see everything. unfortunately i know i will never be able to do that. at this point there are several places that i must see before i die. there are different reasons but i've got a few trips in my head that i must do, in order to see these places.

SOUTHEAST ASIA i am totally drawn to this area right now, i don't know if its the culture, food or landscape but it just seems AWESOME! places and things in order of importance:

• thailand - songkran in april - it's a new years festival where everyone throws water on each other. plus, i could eat all the pad thai and som tum i want. for cheap, like thai food should be! a thai tattoo would be cool too.
• laos - while not many people i know have been there, i have heard it is cool and will definitely get there
• vietnam - again, food is key here. phở is the bomb.
• cambodia seems wild
• malaysia - my parents went there and said it was fun but pretty grossly humid.
• indonesia would be neat to go to

ITALY i feel italian sometimes. i could seriously eat italian food all day, everyday. i'm not exaggerating. i think in another life i was italian. while i mostly want to eat my way through italy, there are also a number of things i want to see/do there: rome, vatican, sicily, venice, tuscany, abruzzo, florence...basically everywhere. i want to see art and learn italian. i want to push the leaning tower over.

BACKPACK EUROPE this is separate from my trip to italy. i want to do the whole backpacking thing, taking the eurorail and sleeping in hostels. not sure where i want to start and end but i know i want to go through the chunnel! i'm guessing i will start in great britain - england, ireland, scotland. i need to golf in scotland and swim in lake guinness in ireland. then on to france, portugal, spain, germany, netherlands, austria, czech. not necessarily in that order or equal time in those places. there are obviously lots of things to see there. i'll need many months and moneys.

SOUTH AMERICA/CENTRAL AMERICA, again i will forget my two spanish phrases if i don't go there soon. oh dear. first, see motorcycle diaries, then you will know what i want to do in south america. basically i want to travel the continent, as it is "all one america". i want to see iguaza falls, go down the amazon river, go to carnival in brazil, rain forests, mountains, oceans, people, food, etc. i want to speak spanish and i guess maybe i could learn a few phrases in portuguese as well. chile and argentina sound like awesome countries!

AFRICA duh.

#185 - what i want

i'm thinking about what i want my life to be like. i'm thinking about the future. i'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, wasting time. it's not that i am bored and have nothing to do. i have tons of things to do, but i need to get this thing for school done. it's an online tutorial and i need to do 2.5 hours every 2 weeks. of course it's due friday and i didn't start till today. so i've spent the last 100 minutes clicking back and forth between the timed tutorial and various online activities (facebook, myspace, etc). i've still got another 50 minutes to spend on this.

i hate wasting time, especially when i don't have much free time. coffee shops get boring after an hour or so and i forgot my ipod. *sad mac face* i am really looking forward to more free time this summer. having a somewhat regular schedule will be nice. having multiple days off a week will be nice.

i really can't complain much right now. i have a job, i pay most of my bills, i have a house (until july 5), i'm almost an RN, i am enjoying clinicals, i play dodgeball and kickball, i have an awesome relationship, portland rocks, and it's good. but...i still complain! i'm congested (maybe allergies), tired, it's raining, i work too much, i have no free time, not enough money, i've been eating crap and time flies. overall i'm happy but those little things are annoying.

so this summer will be exciting. PLANS - i'm going on an alaskan cruise (june 20-27) and house sitting at the coast (july 9-17). i'll be taking my NCLEX (and passing!) some time in july. i'll also be moving somewhere in july. moving is never that much fun but i like to do it anyway. who wants to stay in the same place too long? get a new job, preferably at providence on 2G! whoo! my clinicals there have just been awesome and it's a great working environment. busy and interesting. draft league dodgeball, something i haven't done yet. you sign up and get picked up on a team, then play with cool peeps you haven't played with before! awesome! bike rides when it gets sunny more consistently. other than that, who knows what this summer holds for me.

maybe i'll start some new hobbies. maybe i'll have time to workout. maybe i'll cook more. maybe i'll garden. maybe i'll become president. who knows..and besides me, who cares?!

i want to say i will continue my "no buying" thing but i just don't know if i can. i want... i want a new laptop, mine takes about 20 minutes to start up and get going. it still works but i want to smash it to pieces. my desktop is just as slow starting and i don't even have it connected to the internets. i'm pretty sure they both have viruses. my laptop needs a new battery, it only lasts about 10 minutes off AC power. so i could spend money to fix them...or buy a macbook...heheif i do cave, it will be on a new laptop. that's all i can think about. i have too much clothes and other things that i would've normally spent frivolously on. i'm over buying stuff for the sake of it and to make me feel better. i would probably get buyers remorse now, something i've never really had previously. it hasn't been that hard not to buy things. i am pretty stubborn afterall. if i make a decision to do or not to do something, then it's done and done. whatever the reasons may be.

#184 - right now

i figure i should blog. haven't done so in awhile and not really doing anything important right now. there is about 5 hours until i have some kind of commitment (dodgeball) and although there are OTHER things i could be doing, i'm just sitting here with my laptop. things are still busy with me but going really well i guess.

clinicals are badass. being at the hospital is kind of fun and i can totally see myself there in the future, if they have jobs. the whole nursing shortage-hiring freeze dilemma is dumb. no makey sensey. but that is the truth and that's where we are at right now.

monday was tattoo day. the day of the dead has always been interesting for me. it's basically a holiday to remember dead people and celebrate their lives. i guess it's similar to the japanese obon season. here in america, death is kind of taboo. we don't talk about it enough and so we don't really celebrate it. we don't talk about the deceased. i think talking about it is therapeutic. i'm around death/dying a lot working in the nursing home. memorial day is coming up and they do a memorial day service for all the people who've died since last year. it's a nice thing that they do there and we can write down some interesting memories we have of the people. i've never been to the service but it seems very nice. funerals give people a time and place to mourn that is socially acceptable. society says we have to accept a death and move on but it takes time for most people. we are human afterall.

i guess i am entering the homestretch. let's see...a month and 5 days until graduation. it is getting close folks!! i am just about halfway through my clinicals, learning a lot everyday and getting used to the long 12-hour shifts. it's not all that bad if i keep eating throughout the day and have lots of coffee to start it off. i'm not sure if coffee keeps me awake or if it's the adrenaline of things. i think even if i'm tired, if something is interesting/cool/exciting then i can definitely stay up without coffee. but...coffee is so good! i tried to quit drinking it for a time but that was dumb. it's soothing and yummy, and people like to socialize over it. it's easy to "meet for coffee", especially since there are so many coffee shops around town!

the other day i did meet someone for grilled cheese sandwiches. we went to the grilled cheese grill on ne alberta. they do have the classic plain grilled cheese but you can get all kinds of additions, and you can get it with the crusts cut off! haha but i got one with four cheeses ("the gabby") and bacon. c'mon, you know you want it!

#183 - hormones?

i've never really been a big "baby" person. it's not the one thing i want to do with my life. i don't really understand those people who just want to pop them out one after another. no offense to you who do, but it's not for me. i always assumed i would have kids, two of them. the same as i'd assume i would go to college, work, and get married. are they cultural or societal expectations? sure. parental? probably. the thought of doing something other than settling down is unsettling for some. to a certain extent it is also unsettling for me but there are a lot of things i have to do before that even becomes an issue. now that i am close to being done with school (again) forever i am thinking about the future. i went into nursing thinking it was a sure thing, of course there are jobs! now with the recession all i hear about are the hiring freezes at hospitals and pushing nurses to the limits.

so back to the baby thing. i was never one of those nursing students who wanted to go into OB/GYN or pediatrics. yuck, i don't want anything to do with pregnant women and crying babies! i want patients who i can converse with who aren't crazy on hormones! i managed to get through school with only 24 hours of experience with such patients, WHEW! we did have quite extensive education on pregnancy and such but i never paid much attention. recently though, maybe it is the warm weather, my hormones, or age, i have been thinking about babies. ack! i see babies and moms with babies and dads with babies and it's just so darn cute! how could you not want one? and then i smack myself upside the head and remind myself, "oh yeah, there is a ton of stuff still to do sans baby". DUH!

my grandma wants me or my sister to have kids, she wants great grandkids! we are the only grandkids so we're the only hope. i keep telling my sister that she should be first since she's had her bf for awhile and you know they're getting married someday. speed it up! i would love more to be an aunty at this point than a mom so...anyway when i argued my gm that i'm not even married she said AND I QUOTE "you don't need to be married!" most of the time grandmothers encourage marriage before babies, right?! or am i crazy?

anyway, this is the closest to baby fever as i am gonna allow myself to get. it's just not healthy. i'll just stare at people with them. i'm not even going to hold them, it might be contagious.

***EDIT*** i just posted this a few minutes ago, i know. i went back looking through my blog cause i KNEW i wrote something on babies before. so guess what, two months ago i wrote this about kids. last year, almost exactly a year, i wrote this little piece on babies. so then i was thinking well it must be a spring thing. i am a little creeped out by all this.

#182 - pseudo summer

right now, portland is gorgeous! the sun is shining and it is warm. it's getting a little too warm for me but i know it will go away soon. we are being teased by the weather gods, as usual. i am totally okay with that. i don't even want summer yet. it's still april. i want a few months of nice cool sunny weather, in the 50-60's preferably. i am not ready to break out the tank tops and sunscreen. i got cheated out of a normal winter of endless days of rain. we had all kinds of weird stuff like snow, hail and sun. i don't want to be cheated out of a rainy, cool spring with little breaks of sunny days.

all that being said, i've enjoyed the last couple days of nice weather. i took time off for my sanity. i did nothing. i laid in a hammock. i went on a hike. i sat in the sun. i slept in. these are all things that needed to be done, i was going nuts-o. i have a hard time just relaxing. there always has to be something being done, even if it is as simple as changing my fb status. usually i am doing two things at once (like writing a blog and resume at the same time). i feel like i am using my time better but i know that is not true. doing laundry AND dishes AND listening to music AND preparing lunch. there just does not seem to be enough time to do everything i need/want to. where does all that time go? i have been keeping a time log and i notice much of my time goes to waiting or riding the bus, at least 2 hours a day. it seems like a waste but i use it to read a lot. when i do too much it makes me less present.

thinking about summer, i can tell this will be an awesome one! while i do not look forward to certain things, i know they will turn out ok. i already have two little trips planned and i want to do more. if and when i survive the next 50-odd days i will be free!! i will no longer have school, classes, homework, clinicals, etc. of course there will be the job search, interviews, possibly moving houses, and then work. but with 12-hour shifts at the hospital and only needing to work 3 days a week...that just sounds so sweet! i'm thinking of day trips out to the coast, weekend trips, rivers, lakes, fun, food, friends and being outside. all of what i moved to oregon for. one of the reasons i want a rainy spring is so that i stay on track and not get caught up in the nice weather too much, it makes me want to only do fun things and forget all my responsibilities.

#181 - housing situation

once again i am thinking about moving. my 6-month lease is up on may 5. my landlord wanted me to sign a one-year lease once this one was up, so she wouldn't have to look for a tenant in november again. i am not quite ready to move, don't have time to look for places, and don't have money to put down for deposits. so i want to propose a 3-month lease (which would be done august, which is perfect for moving) or a month-to-month deal. she is kind of old and i could see where she would be unwilling to budge, but it is also a good idea on my part. the biggest problem is that she is somewhere far away in her RV without a cell phone, until may. i'm assuming she's coming back to take care of my lease and/or moving. i wasn't able to talk to her and so i don't know what to do. she didn't even tell me she was going on this trip in the first place. lame. so i inteded to talk to her before a 30-day notice would be appropriate. i called her, she was not there. does this mean she doesn't need 30 days notice?

i hate the physical and mental strain of moving. i hate putting all my crap (it's mostly crap) into boxes and shuttling them from one temporary place to another. i knew moving in that this place would not be my last, mostly because it's got no "real" kitchen. that bothers me but for now i deal with it because it's a good deal. eventually i want to live in a place that feels like HOME and that i will not think of as temporary. for the last 4 years that i've lived in portland i think i've lived in 7 or 8 places. my mom hates it because she has to change her address book so much. i don't do it on purpose but certain places just get old after awhile. call it what you want. i get antsy after awhile.

also i want a dog. i can't have one at my current place. :(

thinking of moving always makes me think of simplifying. i have way too much stuff, yet i really don't have much. it's all junk. if i died and there was an estate sale (or even a yard sale), there would be nothing of interest. i've got too much stuff yet nothing sellable. i probably couldn't even give my things away. there are two boxes full of junk headed for goodwill, probably is, they have been parked there in the corner for almost 6 months now, since i moved in. how lame am i? it's mostly clothes i don't seem to want/need/like anymore. i don't even like fashion so why do i have all these clothes?! ridiculous.