this is how i feel after my first day back at school. why? because i RESENT everyone for having passed the class that i did not. they are all together (without several of us superstars), going on with their education. there they were in their blue scrubs, in the middle of their second year while i'm trying desperately to finish my first. they are graduating this summer and i won't till june '09. i have no reason to feel this way towards others who were my special close friends. it was painful to try and talk to them. it was more painful to talk about what they were up to (easy classes and fun clinicals)! for the most part they are wonderful people who will make great nurses (except a few idiots who i will not dare to describe). i'm glad i did not see my great, bestest friend who is still in that cohort today cause i don't want to feel bitter towards her.
i have NO REASON to feel this way towards them. they did nothing wrong. it was I who had a hard time and it was I who failed. it is I who has to take that responsibility and "man up". get myself together and really get my educational experience going in a different direction. I am the only one who can make this happen. it is not my fellow students or teachers that can make it happen. it's all about attitude right? in reading another blog i found these quotes today by thomas edison:
“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”there is no way i am giving up, having come this far and seeing the light at the very long tunnel, BUT after today it is a challenge. as if seeing former classmates smiling and happy they are almost done was not enough, i had to go to class. my school is rather disorganized and at times incompetent, i believe, at running things (sometimes at teaching them). but, i need my degree. the class i am registered was scheduled for mondays, 12:30-3:30. it is a great time, being able to sleep in and still be able to do things before my next class (conversational spanish at 7). instead, i get a call at 8 THIS MORNING saying that the class was changed to 9-11 and 2-4 (more on that later). HELLO! what about having a week's notice, or changing it on the official schedule? i checked and double-checked that schedule, and talked to 2 classmates (one from old cohort and one from new one) and 12:30 it was. so talk about starting the day off on the wrong foot.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
so i get to class 45 minutes late and immediately have to take a quiz, which was fine cause i was actually prepared for it (drawing the heart with all chambers, vessels, blood flow, etc) cause i read last night. then i find out we are not only there from 9-11 but ALSO 2-4. now this is a 3 credit class, which usually means 3 class hours. we we've got an extra hour, which we have to share with the theory class. it's a combined "seminar" hour. now i'm not only bitter but angry.
the cohort i am joining bought their books in the first term, like we did. it cost us about $1300, give or take. their books ARE NOT the same as our books. so "what does this mean," you might ask. it means i have to buy new books! the teacher was trying to say "oh yeah it should be fine that you have these other books" but i know from experience with these sneaks that they pull things out of books you need a magnifying glass to see!!! things they put on the test don't cover broad all-encompassing need-to-know information, but teensy little trivia on one page of three hundred we were assigned to read. so, i am buying two new books:
total cost, trying to buy old textbooks from online dealers who supposedly have good deals - $150. this is only one term, one class!! i've got 3 more terms left to go and have no idea how many more books (we got about 20 when we first bought the bundle). i am not only bitter and angry, i am also going to be poor.
i am not complaining. i am in school while others have yet to get in, it's hard to. they are giving me a second chance to take the class (74.9% is failing here). i messed up and i'm lucky i'm still here. there are many reasons why i failed, some are excuses, some are personal/internal, some are external. that is in the past. i will make the most of it and tomorrow hopefully the bitterness goes away, just a little.
2 comments:
i would be bitter too... more so i think about the books, that's a buttload of money to shell out on almost-duplicate books, damn. although about the being a year behind your cohorts... i started my undergrad degree with wongie to see if speech path was interesting to me, i didn't have all my pre-requisites done yet, but i wanted to see if i could continue in that field because they had specific pre-reqs to take, so all the people i meet in those classes were actually a year ahead of me, then i took the next year off from degree courses to do my pre-reqs and so i fell a year "behind" all those friends that i made (including wongie because she was a nerd and took all her pre-reqs during the summer so she could grad with them a year earlier). anyway, so when i got back into my degree courses it was a year later and i watched all those people i knew earlier already start their practicum and everything, but for me it was a good thing, 1) because those people were total drama and so i was kinda good i got disassociated from them and 2) because then i still knew them so i could ask them all my questions about what's coming up in the program and what they did for tests and projects and stuff for classes that they took the year before i did. Plus, the new classmates i made were really cool and we became real tight (had to be) without all that drama from the class before, so in the end it was a real good thing. yeah, when snags like that happen in life it never always seems like such crappiness, but when you look back at things that have happened in your life, you start to realize how there's really not a lot of things that actually DO go smoothly and the way you planned, yet somehow you still arrived where you are. it's one of those perspective things... more pessimistically you could say that life always throws curve balls and nothing ever goes the way it's planned, but that's actually a kind of comforting thought because then when curve balls do happen you don't feel so bad because you realize crap like that always happens, but eventually things work out somehow.
I'm sorry, that's a really hard thing to go through. I'm not gonna tell you to "be positive" and all that crap because I find that when people tell me that I want to tell them to piss off. I will say that I've found that sometimes the hard stuff makes you stronger and a better person...though while you're going through it you just want tell everyone to piss off and leave you the hell alone.
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